The little fearless things we do

yoga and weight-loss, worth a shot?

2010-02-02T19:44:00.002-05:00

Yoga Journal had a very interesting article about weight loss and yoga. I have read at least 3 separate mentions of this in other fitness magazines in light of a study that was recently completed. I'm writing this article in my living room and the fitness magazines are upstairs otherwise I would give you more detail (who authored the study, how many participants were involved yadda yadda yadda). The point is, the study was about the correlation between yoga and weight loss. I tend to be kind of old-fashioned when it comes to weight-loss. I believe in big scary deadlines (Costa Rica in two weeks) lots of salad and hours strapped to the treadmill.

Past experience dictates, (as does the experience of many others) that this kind of yo-yo weight-gain and loss combined with miserable crankiness (I have to be fed every 3 hours or I'm unbearable to be around) makes this kind of thing unmaintainable.

The solution for many could be yoga. I know, yoga is not the first thing that comes to mind when you think of weight loss. The ginormous stack of magazines on my bedroom floor would urge me to run, swim, eliptical (which is, as far as I can tell some evil made up exercise) do kick boxing, join the army, really anything for weight loss but yoga. Don't get me wrong, they always advocate yoga to de-stress, manage sore muscles and generally be as healthy as possible, but to suggest that yoga could help with weight loss or weight maintenance seems to be relatively new in the yoga dialogue.

Go to a yoga class and you cannot help but wonder why. Pre-injury I remember visiting and trying out some studios and I was absolutely flabbergasted looking at the lithe and fit bodies around me. Ultimately this makes sense, these people were clearly regular practitioners and regular practitioners seem to have a sort consciousness that wouldn't allow for mindless snacking in front of the TV, or emotionally downing a pint of ice cream after a rough day (or 4 drinks for that matter).

However, part of me is also going to raise my eyebrows in skepticism a little bit. Yes the Yoga Journal issue featured a personal story about one woman's struggle with her weight and how yoga helped her overcome it, but I wonder if this article, or even if the study it was sort of based on considered certain socio-economic factors that could be at play. In my search for the perfect yoga studio, with varied class times and affordable monthly membership I inevitably noticed once again how classist good health can be in North America.

The average cost for monthly membership at yoga studio in Toronto based on my little Internet shopping excursion was around 100$ for a student. To me that is almost totally unaffordable and I come from an upper-middle class family, I live at home and I earn around 600 a month. Even with all of the charitable and not-for-profit organizations oriented around yoga out there, it is simply not accessible to a huge chunk of North America's population.

Furthermore, we know that the wealthier tend to be better informed about health, often because they have the luxury to spend more time and money on their health (and if you didn't know I highly recommend that you read something by Michael Pollan). Because of these reasons I tend to be more then a little suspect when a study announces that yogis lose weight because of body acceptance and increased self-awareness.

All that said, I have found yoga to be beneficial in terms of weight management and my health has certainly been affected by my forced sabbatical.

What am I supposed to do?

2010-01-27T12:38:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I've been gone. I've had a cold so I've been feeling sorry for myself and watching a lot of the Food Network. I've been thinking a bunch too. One of my favourite days of the month has become when I find the latest issue of Yoga Journal and they had a very insightful aspect about balancing these four aspects of your life. I couldn't even think about the other three however because I'm totally hung up on the first aspect, dharma. Dharma is duty in yoga. It is your job, your duty to your family and your community and following your life's purpose. In terms of my job, I'm a student which is going fine, I'm a research assistant, I lag a bit in that department and I'm a lifeguard and since no one has drowned on my watch I think that's going ok. But am I serving the world the way I'm supposed to? Am I serving my community? Am I working towards my life's purpose? These are such deep questions and my answer is unfortunately, heck if I know!

I know the things I like, but I cannot differentiate between those that are my life's purpose and those that are my passion (what I do for fun). I love politics but sometimes the vast unfixability (yes I know I made that up) of the world can overwhelm me and intimidate me. Sometimes when I read about the catastrophe that is Haiti, or Somalia or even the Reservation system in Canada I just want to curl up in a little ball with a romance novel and pretend the world outside doesn't exist.

Instead what I'm going to try doing is taking a deep breath and working a little closer to home. I want to volunteer at this community centre that I heard about where they grow most of their own food and have an after school cooking program. I want to open a farmer's market at my school (there's an ambitious project!) and change the world a little bit through food.

Yoga off the mat and on the dinner table

2010-01-14T15:42:00.002-05:00

So I would be lying if I said that I have not shifted the purpose of this blog a little bit. My intention, to do one fearless thing a day, or week, or even a month hasn't really happened. I'm still terrified of talking to strangers (blame it on being told from childhood that its a bad idea), I still seem to be pretty much convinced that I'm not going to succeed at anything that I really like. In spite of my anxieties and my neuroticisms (that's not really a word, I invented it, you're welcome Freud) I'm happy about a lot of things, I like my classes, I like my job in theory, I like my friends though I don't see enough of them and I'm enjoying delving into the world of yoga. Don't get me wrong, I plan to take that cooking class, go on that yoga retreat, and talk to more guys (because really, that's what this is all about) and finally trust myself enough in crane pose tha I can hold it for longer then half a second, but I'm 21 it's ok that I cant do all of these things yet.

The direction of this blog seems to have taken a sort of yogic turn, maybe you noticed, maybe I noticed you noticing. Well, the reason is because anything that makes people happy, serene, content and uplifted, that provides answers to life's hardest questions, that helps people find answers to life's hardest questions and that gently suggests a way of living that makes you say "If everyone lived this way the world would be a much better place" is something that I want to talk about.

Now as I mentioned previously, I injured myself last month. It really cramped my style or threw out my groove or whatever young cats are saying these days. So what could I do? I don't really have a lot of experience meditating, I have a true (as Buddhists say) monkey mind. I'm not a vegan and am currently serving the greater good by getting my degree political science or, as I have started calling it, understanding the world. I always feel as though I should be doing more however. So taking advantage of my winter holidays I have been studying up on mindful or ethical eating. By ethical, just so we're clear, I'm not suggesting vegetarian or vegan (though most serious students of yoga eventually follow that path) however since I'm relatively new to the world of yoga let me suggest a smaller step. Eat local. What does local mean? The definition varies, however the first people to really bring this issue to the forefront (authors of the 100 Mile Diet) suggest a limit of 100 miles. This is tough and it is unrealistic for your diet to comprise of 100% 100 mile food, (especially during the winter) however, if you do you're best you will find yourself cutting down on packaged foods, meeting the farmers who grew your food, eating pesticide and artificial fertilizer free food and (if you can afford it) eating happier and healthier meat. The health benefits of eating this way can be enormous. You enjoy a more varied seasonal diet, many people have reported weightloss, they have reported being satisfied by their food more easily and of course there are the social benifits (think of the time you can spend at the farmer's market with your family, and think of the pride your kids will have in opening up a jar of jam that they helped make the summer before). In short, veganism is a big step and it isn't right for everyone (I'm talking to you anemics) but there is no reason why we can't all be a litle more aware of where our food comes from.

More to follow on this later!

Asana on Hold

2010-01-13T19:06:00.002-05:00

I am frustrated beyond measure. Why? Because I fell off my mat (the yoga wagon if you will) quite literally. Before I fell let me explain the appeal yoga has for me. In a phrase, I like how there is no such thing as a perfect yogi/ni. Every other thing I do is something that I feel that I should excel in. If I fall short of being a perfect daughter, being a great friend, being an amazing student (and I inevitably do) it's really quite heartbreaking. Yoga has always been something different however. Just touching my toes felt like an accomplishment after years of tight hamstrings. To feel downward dog change from a struggle to a wonderful stretch was a joy. As my core grew stronger I could hold tree pose for longer. I had all the wonder and enthusiasm of a new yogini. So I started to branch out. Anyone with the privilege of living in one of Canada's major urban centers has access to something called passport to prana, which is a pass that, for a nominal fee gets you a free class at over 30 different studios around Toronto.

So there I was, happily branching out. Being adventurous, trying out different studios, different styles, different teachers when one day I fell off my mat. I was tired, it was a vinyasa class and everyone there was far more advanced then I was. Rather then focusing on my own practice, listening to what my body needed and trying to stay present I did exactly what I was avoiding. I started pushing myself, not just trying to keep up but trying to prove that I belonged there at this ritzy studio catering to blond, fit stay at home moms with their six-packs. (In my defense, the teacher did not encourage us to take a moment and reconnect but she pushed us harder then I had ever been pushed before.) So there I was, near the end of the practice doing one final vinyasa, and as I rolled over my toes and pushed myself back into downward dog, I felt an enormous wrench, as though my knee had suddenly turned around to face the back, and as I fell down, in excruciating pain and put my hand on my knee, I realized that that was exactly what had happened (actually my knee cap had dislocated itself and was now on the outside of my leg).

I saw a physiotherapist and she said the one thing I was the most scared of hearing: don't go back to yoga just yet. Get that knee healthy first. So I heaved a big sigh and acquiesced.

Bikram vs Laura

2009-11-24T12:01:00.002-05:00

Conventional yoga wisdom says that if there is a pose or posture that you ABSOLUTELY detest, you should do it more often. Case in point, in your standard vinyasa (flow) practice you could do downward dog anywhere from 10-20 times. Most people hate their first downward dog of the day, it strains their wrists (which are stiff from typing and writing) it stretches your hamstrings uncomfortably (as they are used to sitting), it makes your arms and shoulders burn until you adjust to put more weight into your legs. The second downward dog however, feels a little easier, on top of that, it stretches your back wonderfully. You may take advantage of your second one to work your legs up and down to help loosen up your hamstrings, or maybe you'll wiggle your hips side to side to relax the tension in your lower back and enjoy as each inhale expands your ribs. By the time you do your last downward dog of the day I swear you will feel as though your vertebrae have all been stretched out a couple of millimeters and any tension in your back is gone. You love downward dog, you can't remember not loving it, but you did. The whole process will start again next class.

So, like I said, conventional yoga wisdom dictates that the poses you hate are the ones you should be doing, but what about styles of yoga? Should you do the one that you hate the most? On Sunday I blithely signed up for 10 days of unlimited bikram yoga at the studio near my house. I figured the heat (bikram is done at 40 degrees Celsius) would be nice, it would help with my flexibility and clear up my skin. I knew that they only did 26 poses over a 90 minute class so I figured it would help me work on my fundamentals.

I have only done two classes and already I hate it.

Firstly, I have learned that I'm not really a heat kind of person, I seem to be all about more temperate climes. I do not enjoy the sensation of sweat dripping down my face and body in tiny rivulets. I do not enjoy the sight of my beet red gasping face in the mirror. Gone is the elegance of yoga, gone is a half lotus pose or an upward dog (they don't do any of the "dogs" in bikram) of which I could be proud. Instead I was surrounded by thinner darkly complected women who's faces flushed prettily and who could hold the poses astoundingly well even though their limbs (like mine) were slicked with sweat.

I also did not enjoy the near constant feeling of nausea that lasted the duration of the practice. These days, in my other yoga classes, I don't have to go down into child's pose (or recovery pose) unless our instructor tells us to. In bikram I felt as though I could happily spend most of the practice lying on the ground, trying to breath that thick, hot uncomfortable air.

In terms of flexibility, it certainly made me more flexible but at what a price. I am so sore today lifting a laptop strains my forearms and climbing a flight of stairs virtually sucks my energy away.

Of course, when I'm not struggling I'm kind of bored with the lack of variety in the postures as well.

So the question is, if I hate it should I keep it up? Is it worth the misery?

The Pursuit of Happiness

2009-11-20T18:17:00.003-05:00

Before I made the suggestion of a year long project based on self-help books, I naively thought that it would be encompassing a much smaller field. But no. It is huge, there is self-help in the kitchen, self-help (swimming) stroke improvement, self-help self hypnosis. The list is quite long. So yeah, what kind of self-help do I need? And also what makes these people experts? What is the qualification? As far as I can tell its living a good life.

It's interesting though isn't it? It's been enshrined in the American Declaration of Independence (I think, I'm nothing if not wilfully indifferent to everything grand and wonderful about American politics so please don't quote me) that the pursuit of happiness was a fundamental right. In fairness since this was heavily inspired by Locke who was a raging libertarian capitalist if I ever saw one, the pursuit of happiness was probably tied into the accumulation of wealth (not much has changed eh?)

So yes, this is how we work in North America, we go to therapists, we read self-help (or magazines which are kind of mini, much more shallow self-help books), we take up yoga and we try and find a job that we don't absolutely detest.

Well that was depressing...

So yeah, anyway I'm pretty sure happiness for me lies some place in France, some place with good food, darkly good looking men, amazing wine and picturesque bicycle rides through the countryside while I look adorably bohemian in torn jeans comfy sandals and some kind of stripey, vaguely french t-shirt. Or maybe happiness for me is in a bakery, eating croissants and sipping a creme. Either way I know it's there, not here. So let's make the best of a situation, of the difficulty of being born on the wrong continent let alone the wrong country and see what people who are much older, wiser and in the possession of more degrees then me have to say about improving my life.

Self-help

2009-11-17T22:55:00.002-05:00

My goodness, what an evocative term. It is a word that is just full of potential. It's up there with "Home-made chocolate". "Naked Male Models" and world peace. I went to my happy place today (well one of them anyway) I went to the book store. Now, I love looking at the new and hot fiction, I love looking at the cook-books, I love looking at the snazzy stationary that I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BUY UNTIL I USE ALL MY OTHER NOTEBOOKS, NOT EVEN IF ITS SUPER PRETTY.

Whew.

I also, (I confess) have a weakness for the self-help section. Why? Who knows, I'm sure its connected with my deep-lying perfecionist tendancies which are my main barriers against success and happiness. I'm sure it also has something to do with my love of books and my general admiration for the Published. My admiration is child-like and naive considering how many truly shitty books there are out there, nonetheless I continue to assume that if someone is smart enough to write a book they absolutely must be smart enough to fix my life and all my stupid little anxieties and woes which, when added up are nearly crippling and are certainly suffocating (at times anyway).

So... I had an idea. There are quite a few famous blog projects out there (and quite a few obscure ones I'm sure) Living Oprah comes to mind, the premise being that the author spent an entire year following Oprah's advice on everyone of her shows. She did this I think mainly to hold Oprah accountable for her frequent contradictions and her encouragement of rampant counsumerism amongst her housewife devotees. Another one had to do with following magazine advice I believe, and the most famous of all has a movie based on it (Julie & Julia). So, here's my wild and weird and abstract thought. I am a rampant perfectionist who is absolutely immobilized by stupid little fears, if anyone could benifit from self-help it's me. The theory being that my problems are not so grave so as to require psychiatric help (though I do enjoy making use of the school's counselling centre occasionally) but nor are they so minimal that I can ignore them. In my own wildly biased and unprofessional assessment of myself, I think I am the perfect candidate. So what I'm thinking is 26 books over the course of a year (1 every 2 weeks) follow their advice to a T and hope for the best!

So, I need to decide a couple of things:

How do I select the books? Alphabetically? At random? As around and see what other people have used?
What constitutes as self-help? Is it purely psychological? What about "lifestyle" books that incorporate health and wellness as well?
What about relationship and love advice? Or should it be purely me?

So what do you guys think? Fun project no? PLEASE let me know your thoughts (I've noticed a distinct lack of commenting going on these days, way too much lurking folks.)

Anyway, let me know loves!

De-junking

2009-11-08T19:58:00.004-05:00

Ok.. I have a confession to make. Are you ready? (deep breath) I Laura Scrivener, am a hoarder. Ok. I feel better now. Let me explain a little. It's not as bad as it sounds. I will not be on a reality tv show any time soon. It's not like you can't move through my room because it is full of mountains of crap that have cockroaches, mice, the occasional squirrel and maybe the odd squatter living under them. No, my problem is not nearly that bad. In fact, I think my problem stems from idealism or romanticism if you will. Take a notebook for example. A brand new, notebook with a pretty picture on the cover, maybe it's a picture of Ganesh a Hindu god with an elephant for a head. Or perhaps its a picture with a fairy on the cover, with a misty ship sailing to the moon, and nymphs frolicking in a pond. Or perhaps it is a plain leather bound "serious" looking notebook. It doesn't matter what kind it is because I can pretty much guarantee that I will love it. I love page one. I love the newness of it. Here is a notebook ripe with potential. I could pen a best-selling novel, write an awe-inspiring speech, plan out a business idea, sketch out witty little thoughts, write a poem, take down my favourite quotes from a book, scribble down future Mr. Fearless's number, the possibilities are endless.

Bags are another favourite. A bag as far as I'm concerned is an excellent friend. A bag will never make you look fat. A bag, can hold your life. A bag will still love you no matter what you spill in it. A bag, in short is the perfect, nay, the ultimate accessory. However, there is no denying the fact that I have too many. The problem lies in the fact that I have three go-to bags that I use ALL the time, and the rest are lucky if they ever see the light of day, I mean, why mess with perfection?

Ok, so I've justified my bad behaviour for you guys, very unconvincingly I'm sure. But, I have decided to solve it. Everything that I have too much of and am not currently using will be gone by the new year. I have decided to have a get rid of all the crap in my life party. A radical notion I know. Actually I believe if it is commonly referred to as a garage sale. The catch is that I won't be charging. Nope it'll be a good old swapping party but without the swapping, more giving. I couldn't be more excited!

I thought I was finished..

2009-11-02T18:20:00.004-05:00

I stopped writing because I though I had said everything I needed to say. I'm sort of at a stalemate. My job is wonderfully predicable and meaningless. I hate writing papers and reading reviews as I don't see anything earth shattering in writing about a preassigned topic. I snap at my parents and my sister. I desperately want to smack the lady in yoga who moans every time we do a particularly effective stretch. My eczema is driving me up the wall. I'm finding far too much solace in McDonalds. I dyed my hair brown just to escape the monotony of it all.

To make matters worse, everything I learn depresses me these days. Political science used to excite me. I loved the intricacies of power. I believed with absolute certainty in democracy, government regulated capitalism, a welfare state, and all those other good Canadian values, but now I'm not so sure. I get lots of questions, we discuss almost constantly the way the government's gone wrong the bad things Western states have done to the rest of the world. It's wildly depressing because, no matter how often we discuss what went wrong, we have yet o discuss what the answer is.

Maybe I'm not finished. Maybe I still have more questions to answer, I definitely have a rut to climb out of. Wish me luck!

I'll let you know.

shout out

2009-10-04T14:25:00.002-04:00

I would like to take a moment to shout out to a fellow (totally awesome) Canadian. His name is Chuck Hughes and he is a chef (excuse me, cook) in Montreal. I have yet to eat at his restaurant but I LOVE his show. His cooking style seems to be the getting back to basics, unpretentious (with a few suprising twists) style that is just so in today. You don't have to dress up to eat there but you know you're going to be fed something pretty special. On top of that, the guy is totally smokin'. If you haven't heard of him I emplore you, check out his show, you won't be sorry.

Sometimes I don't even know what to do

2009-09-27T23:22:00.002-04:00

I could really use some advice. Rarely do I have a problem with shit friends. I'm pretty selective with my friendships, if acquaintances don't become friends I drop them. As a result I'm close with my friends, value them and try to go the extra mile. It pisses me off when I don't get the same. I spent two months of summer hanging out with a girl I'll call Y every week. (More frequently then I see some older friends) I brought her to my club on Toronto Island, taught her how to cook stuff and we hung out with her friends and generally had fun. After she visited her bf in Cali for a week I haven't heard from her since aside for a quick phone call and a couple of fbook messages, just saying she was busy. So yeah its kind of the cranky bit of my general excitement about school, hot TAs, clubs, newspaper articles to write etc. I would let it go I think... but she has my favourite bronzer and its like the insult to injury. How would you solve this?

I'm sorry...

2009-09-22T13:33:00.002-04:00

I fail... It's kind of hard to maintain this right now because of the way I feel when I come home from class. I feel tired, drained, frustrated, anxious and nervous. There's a lot riding on this year. It's my opportunity to make up for my screw-ups of first year and second year. On top of that I have the added stresses of paying off a ridiculous credit card debt, eating healthy and just making sure that I take good care of myself. I try to see my friends as regularly as possible and my family provides eternal comfort to me, but that doesn't take away from the fact that this is my make it or break it year.

My course-load is obscene but I'm excited to be in the process of wrapping it all up and getting out into the real world. I'm lifeguarding, working for my professor, trying to do pilates, yoga or swim every day and trying desperately hard not to get too bummed out about the weather. Most of September has been beautiful, which is certainly what we deserve after such a crummy summer but not today. Today is a hot chocolate and a good novel kind of day, not a 9:30 tutorial and a 2:30 lecture followed by a 7pm pilates class kind of day.

Just to add to my irritability, my dear friend (so I thought) who I spent most of June and July hanging out with is now too busy to even see me for coffee. I haven't seen her for two months and I now suspect that the reason for this is that she doesn't want to give me back the bronzer I lent her... People! It's enough to make you a miser.

Things will get better though. The sun will come out, the leaves will turn. I'll get to wear my chunky sweaters and knee high leather boots. It will be the season of soups and pies and stews. Thanksgiving is coming up in another couple of weeks. Followed by Halloween (inicidentally one of my least favourite holidays) a dreary month and a half, then the first snowfall, the hustle-bustle of Christmas shopping. A friendly family baking rivalry, Christmas decoration overkill and 4 or 5 Christmas cds on rotation. I can hardly wait.

the bird

2009-09-05T22:12:00.003-04:00

Two days ago, a house finch smashed into our window. I yelled downstairs to my dad that this one was still alive so he came up and picked it up off our deck as it fluttered weakly. He cupped it in his hands then gave it to me since he had work to do but he didn't want it to die. "If you keep it in a warm dark place" (he meant my hands) "until it's ready to fly away, it'll probably live." I didn't really have anything pressing to do so I cupped my hands under his and he carefully slid his big hands out from underneath those teeny claws. I put one hand over it and I sat down on a deck chair holding this warm little scrap of life carefully in my hands, sheltering it from the world. I could feel it shivering and shaking, still in shock. I could feel its tiny beak against the tip of one of my fingers as it panted. I could feel its unbelievably soft little body producing an amazing amount of heat as I sat outside on that perfectly still morning while the sun shone and other birds sang and flitted through our garden. Finally, after a good ten minutes of this strange situation, the bird began to flutter and beat its wings wildly. Bemusedly, I opened my hands and watched it fly away, grateful that I got to hold that one little bird.

Incidentally, birds play a special role in my family. It is a love and a fascination that my father has always tried to share with us. He loves his little song birds, his thrushes, his downy woodpeckers and his hawks and ospreys and such. This is not the first time that I've saved a bird for him, nor will it be the last. I suspect that in imparting this love and admiration for his (excuse me) feathery friends, he has also imparted his deep respect for nature and his sense of stewardship towards the environment.

"you keep biting heads off of gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized'"

2009-08-30T20:48:00.002-04:00

I've been gone for a while, and I loved it. No offense folks. But no internet, no newspapers, the occasional One Tree Hill episode plus lots of good thick novels is about as close as you come to paradise you know. It was wonderful too, to find out who my real friends were. The people who called me and who didn't ignore my conspicuous absence from the technological world. I felt overcome several times, to write, be it on this site or in my plethora of notebooks but I just couldn't bring myself to do it without my computer.

Plus, I'm a little apprehensive. I want to know whether or not I should even bother anymore. Do I have anything really and truly worth contributing the blogosphere? It doesn't always feel like I do I must confess. Some people have the most interesting struggles, lives, loves and observations. Besides that what do I have to offer aside from my own anxieties, cynicism and a certain love of life that this blogging adventure has helped me cultivate.

Reading other people's blogs has made me realize how far I have to go and how much I have to appreciate. My break made me realize that in some ways this whole blog thing is overrated. But it lets me write, ramble and rant, and occasionally, when I'm very lucky, get some feedback.

There's more of what's been going on to follow.

sorry I've been gone

2009-06-28T21:26:00.003-04:00

It's been so long... I feel terribly guilty. A few things have kept me tied up, school, my new job... the Twilight series. Ok I'm pretty embarrassed about the last one. I;m sorry that I abandoned you guys for twilight. Twilight is kind of liek a certain kind of candy that I love once I start I just can't stop. The writing was awful, the couple was absolutely nauseating... (I really think she picked the wrong guy) but once you start, how do you stop right?

Everything slipped up while I was reading those books. I worked half-heartedly, I couldn't bring myself to exercise or do the laundry, I didn't want to see my friends until I was finished. I tend to avoid books like that because I don't want to be sucked in. I've avoided anything gossip girl, though I did read shopaholic and the devil wears prada. It feels so good to be bad.

Part of the intriguing part for me is the fact that, I almost feel like I could right one. A certain degree of believability is required for these books coupled with some humour and and a few anecdote type stories.

But I also have to wonder, hopefully without sounding too pretentious, whether or not these people feel bad writing their flaky stories, with no meaning except to entertain. There are thousands of books writen and published every year, but how many of them will go down in history or be remembered as works of importance and influence. They're probably more widely read than any great literary achievement, but does that mean that they will be what is remembered as opposed to what has been acclaimed?

It's interesting isn't it? To speculate on what aspects of our culture will survive. Will we be remembered by Kanye music and gossip girl (or Harry Potter for that matter) or will it be the so called geniuses who survive?

it looks like I'm working less then 30 hours this summer

2009-06-01T18:01:00.002-04:00

a 30 hour work week! I'm so friggin excited. So what should I do with my time? I couldnt find any classes I wanted to take. I want to volunteer, take new gym classes... you know, all that jazz.

something I've been thinking about...

2009-05-31T21:30:00.002-04:00

I don't know why this has been bugging me, perhaps its because of my american politics class. After all this is no longer a political issue. SO, here's the thing. I want to live in a world without abortion. Ok, I can hear the gasps and sighs of dismay... but bear with me. I don't mean I want to live in a world where abortion is inaccessible. On the contrary, I think it should continue to be as accessible as it currently is in Canada.

I want to live in a world where contraception is affordable. Where girls can protect themselves without their parents permission. I want to live in a world where sex is always consensual. I want to live in a world with virtually no birth defects. I want to live in a world where every single baby is wanted and recognized for the blessing it is.

Abortion should always be an option. In an ideal world, no one would want or need to choose it.

pot fun facts

2009-05-29T12:51:00.002-04:00

Fact: Canadians have the second highest percentage of pot smokers (after Holland) in the world.
Fact: Canada came this close to legalizing the stuff.
Fact: The best stuff comes from BC.

Can we please, as a nation, accept the fact that it's about as bad or as good as booze, a heck of a lot better then cigarettes and, unless your planning to fine 45% of Canadians (or throw them in jail) we should just make the stuff legal (and tax it)?

I'm not saying I use or don't use. I'm just saying that this is getting silly. Now don't just decriminalize it. Legalize it. In the same way that it seems strange that people can kill themselves with two packs a day but can't enjoy the occasional spliff (which has as much tar as 3 cigarettes and young people who smoke weed regularly triple their chances of adult onset schizophrenia) and in the same way that a man can pay a woman to take her clothes off, can purchase dvds of other people having sex but cannot pay someone to have sex with him (or a woman for that matter). It really just boggles my mind what sins are legal and what sins aren't. I get why heroine and crack are illegal, that makes sense, but weed... weed will always baffle me.

Ah me, what to do...

2009-05-23T18:00:00.004-04:00

So folks, this post is going to be pretty random. Here's a list of things I want to cover:

-School! Almost done!

-Some musings about how delicious May is.

-A recipe, a very delicious recipe from http://www.orangette.blogspot.com/

-Some pictures illustrating the deliciousness of May.

-My stupid procrastination/fear of failure thing.

-My occasionally frstrating lack of direction.

-Have any of you attempted writing a book or a short story lately? Because I would like to get back in to the swing. But I don't know how.

First thing is first. I'm almost done school, I have take home exams to submit (that I should have already submitted) one more exam to write and a decision to make about summer school (i.e. do I want to ruin my summer and graduate faster?) All things considered, given my crazy anxiety over school and thus my tendancy to pretend that the work isn't there, things haven't been going so badly. Whenever I feel even slightly compelled to goof off, I do one of two things: 1) goof off

2) bust out the ol' therapy journal and do some exercises.

Thats right folks, pre-emptive measures. Are you proud? Because I am!

May is awesome. It is quite simply my favourite month of the year. It's not too hot, not too cold, everything has flowers on it. I can wear pretty dresses. I can drink lemonade. Usually I'm finished school by now. I can spend my weekends lazing outdoors, reading some old english classic or some brainless chick lit. There's almost always a delicious breeze wafting, making the great big willow in our garden sway..... Ok so I haven't been outdoors in a while and I miss it, can you tell?

Here's some pictures!

K so the pictures totally threw my alignment out of wack.

Anyway...

Recipe time!

(cut and pasted from www.orangette.blogspot.com)

Banana Bread with Cinnamon Crumble Topping

Adapted from Bakesale Betty and Bon Appétit, September 2008

For bread:1 ½ cups all-purpose flour

1 cup sugar

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

1 tsp. baking soda

½ tsp. salt

1 cup mashed ripe banana (about 3 medium bananas)

2 large eggs

½ cup vegetable oil

¼ cup honey

¼ cup water

For topping:

2 Tbsp. sugar

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

2 ½ Tbsp. packed dark brown sugar

Preheat the oven to 350° F. Butter and flour a 9- x 5-inch metal loaf pan. (Alternatively, you can spray the pan lightly with cooking spray and then line it with parchment paper, letting the excess hang over the sides. That’s what I did, and it made it very easy to remove the finished bread from the pan; I just grabbed the parchment and lifted. Also, because I don’t have a 9- x 5-inch pan - and because an 8 ½- x 4 ½-inch is a little too small - I used a 10- x 3-inch pan that I found once at a flea market.)In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking soda, and salt. In a large bowl, whisk together the banana, eggs, oil, honey, and water. Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients, and stir well. Scrape the batter into the prepared pan.In a small bowl, mix together the topping ingredients. Sprinkle them evenly over the batter.Bake the bread until a tester inserted into its center comes out clean, about 1 hour, give or take a little. Cool the bread in the pan on a wire rack for 30 minutes. Then carefully remove the bread from the pan, taking care not to dislodge the topping. Cool completely before slicing.

Yield: 1 loaf

There you go folks. YUM

So uh... I'm in my third year of my bachelor's degree. So you could say I'm at a crossroads. I need to start thinking about my fourth year and what comes after which has been stressing the heck out of me! Grad school? Law school? Neither? Japan followed by backpacking through Asia, then a job in France followed by backpacking through Europe? Working for an NGO abroad? (NGO- Non-Government Organisation, think Doctors without borders). Sit down and write a book? Get on the political war path? Quit it all and open up a little bake shop like the girl in Stranger then Fiction? OH MAN!

Writing people, give me guidance! I've started a million plots, but then I get bogged down or lose interest or feel like I don't have time! I know that Nina over at Life's a Ficke Pickle manages to write short stories even with her hectic schedule, so really, do I have an excuse?

Thanks for listening folks. This is just some of the crazy bouncing around in my brain right now.

is it worth the frustration???

2009-05-19T14:35:00.002-04:00

OH MY GOD!

There really are all types on dating sites. I mean, ok there are two ways of looking at this: 1) everyone on the site must be fucked up, since they're still single. 2) I'm on the site, I'm not fucked up. There must be a few good ones.

Ok I'm starting to think that I'm fucked up.

There are the needy, clingy, whiny guys who get all upset when I don't respond right away. I read a note from one guy and didn't get back to him for a couple of days who sent me another saying "I didn't like you that much anyway".

There are the profound assholes, who wear their badges of assholery with pride. They would stand on roof tops bellowing, "I'm an asshole, hear me roar. Look at how I got Douche tattooed across my upper back with really fancy calligraphy." Ladies, let me help you spot them: they say things like "I do whatever the fuck I want." in their profiles.

There are the guys who are just plain boring! Be it the nurse guy from a little while ago, the "handy man" (interestingly enough, his name was Dan) that I went out with a couple of weeks ago, were both very nice, woefully uninformed, and socially inept. Reader poll: should a university degree become one of my requirements? Or is that too snobby? Would it even protect me from people who don't know who Vladimir Putin is?

Oh and lets not forget "the pervs". Ok, I'm not talking about child molesters or rapists (though I'm sure those are out there too), I'm just talking about the ones who are way way WAY kinkier then me, and want to help me explore my kinky side. All very well and good, but folks, there are just some things that I DON'T want to do, not even try. I don't care if you're Brad Pitt (ok well maybe Brad), it just ain't gonna happen!

And of course, there are the guys that I like, who, unfortunately don't seem to like me back. Case in point: I never heard from the french guy again.

However, I'm going out with a nice, normal, funny, extra tall guy on Thursday. Fingers crossed everyone!

Also, triathlon training is in a slump already! This does not bode well.

Happy Birthday Andrea

2009-05-16T15:03:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a big day. Yesterday was the day my little sister became old enough to drink in Toronto. That's right folks, the girl is 19. Actually I should call her a woman. So, to commemorate this special day I decided to get her jewelry. www.etsy.com is a wonderful site. Everything is handmade, everything is priced reasonably and everything is one of a kind. But at the end of the day I suppose that that's not what I really wanted to write about.

I'm rereading the alchemist and it's making me think. I need time to figure out my life, but my life seems ready to charge on without me. How nice would it be, to spend a couple of months in contemplative solitude. Not isolation, not silence, but a kind of introspective solitude so that you have time to figure stuff out. Maybe at an ashram in India, maybe on a beach on some teeny tiny greek island. Maybe right here at home, but with no job, enough money to see a shrink, do yoga every day and go to organic cooking classes. I want to hit pause, I want to figure out my life, sort through my "issues"; my fears, my phobias. And then when I'm good and ready, get back into it again....

If only right?

Doin' my I have 9 followers dance!

2009-05-15T00:14:00.003-04:00

Oh my goodness, 9 followers, this thing is really snow balling :P. Oh man... so much to talk about I don't even know where to start. I'm going to think in categories here: school, romance, social life, misc., career, am I missing anything? Oh man if only I had a blackberry, I could blog on the train! Anywho...

School: I suck. I really do. Its pretty embarrassing. My profs think I'm wildly intelligent until it takes me 3 weeks to complete a simple 10 pager. I of course know exactly whats going on. They don't. Am I going to tell them? No. I should, but instead they just think I smoke a lot of pot or spend too much time getting my nails done or whatever.

Romance: Ok, fucking dating sites. Sorry, but man... people can portray themselves however they want and it SUCKS because I wind up disappointed and so do they. On the flip side, meeting people in real life is hard. Maybe I'm socially retarded.

Social life: Essentially non-existant because of school. I occasionally get dragged to a party I don't want to attend. Sometimes I go to a club or bar with a few people but things have been kind of lacklustre of late.

Misc: Oh my effing Lord, I'm training for a triathlon people. I know right... Because enough is enough. It saddens me that running a mile is so damn exhausting. It also saddens me that I have flub where my triceps should be. No longer people, no longer. Plus, hopefully I'll be ready to do Run for the Cure in September.

Also, how does one go about writing a novel? I suppose its just one more thing that I'm going to procrastinate on this summer, but I think it would be kind of fun. If you have any tips feel free to share.

Work: I HAVE A SUMMER JOOOOOOB! Woot! This is awesome. I don't have to become a street baker or a nanny for 8 bratty children. Thank heavens! Nope, instead, one of my professors is going to hire me. (I know, I was suprised too!) Cross your fingers for me, tell your friends.

I heart letters

2009-05-06T20:48:00.002-04:00

I really do. Because I find them ALL over the place, and notes that my friends and I passed, scrap bits of paper with to-do lists, story ideas, things that I want, goals etc. My room is littered with them. My favourite has got to be letters however. I don't have any love letters YET but someday I hope I will. Anyway, I found this one little gem that I wanted to share, it's from when I was a ten-year old camper and as much of a misfit as you've ever seen. Let me paint the picture for you before I share the letter, with a few short words and phrases: book worm, too smart, gangly, boyish, thick glasses, poor wardrobe, socially awkward, too honest, too trusting. Can you see why I might have had trouble making friends? Anyway, long story short, I was, for a number of years, the kind of target certain girls dream of encountering and, Christian camp or no, there was still that kind of girl. So, the letter, from one of my councellors. Very sweet and just the kind of thing an insecure little dork like me needed to hear.

Dear Laura,
It's late at night Saturday and for some reason I thought of you. I wanted to say something to you that I didn't get a chance to at camp.
I know some of the girls gave you a hard time at camp. You are going to run into that in life. You are different from a lot of people. You are very smart and that will make some people dislike you. (editor's note: told you!) My advice to you is try not to let it get to you. You are very special and you should not let others make you feel bad about that. Don't ever deny your brains. I'm sure you're destined for something gret in life. Look around for people who can appreciate your specialness. They are out there!
It was wonderful having you at camp. Hope to run in to you again.
Love,
____

So, I think the moral of this is two-fold. Never underestimate the difference a kind word can make in a child's life. And two, be different! I probably couldn't have blended in with the "cool girls" even if I had tried, but as I got older I found people who appreciated me. I grew too... I was none the worse for the bullying I received, in fact it made me stronger. BUT, some people don't get away so lightly. Oh yeah, I guess thats lesson number 3, grow!

10 things I would rather do then go job hunting

2009-04-30T15:56:00.002-04:00

I'm thinking of starting a list of all the things I would rather do instead of finding a job.

1) read classical political theory
2) reorganize my closet by colour and clothing type
3) read every russian literature book I can get my hands on
4) mow the lawn... in a spiral pattern.
5) write 5 novellas in a gossip girl style targeted at stupid girls.
6) learn jazz or tap or something requiring the same amount of coordination
7) go out with a fat bald guy 30 years my senior
8) learn to play the oboe.
9) master the art of haikus and make a day-by-day haiku calendar
10) stay in bed all day and pretend I don't need money!

2009-04-27T13:06:00.003-04:00

So... I bought this dress. In retrospect it was kind of an impulse buy and probably not worth the 90$ I spent on it but DAMN it is cute. I can't wait to wear it in public, ideally with my most ass covering pair of nickers because MAN is it SHORT!

Is it cute or what? Next time I'll take off the jacket but folks, my arms are one of my "trouble spots" you see, I used to swim competitively so I used to have these big muscular arms and shoulders, well the muscle is long gone but my arms are still big! Or at least it seems that way to me! Anyway its nothing that some pushups won't fix, so hopefully they'll be ready to show off by mid may.

PARIS

2009-04-25T15:20:00.003-04:00

When people think of the epicentre of culture (western culture anyway) they tend to think of one place more than any other. When people are talking of places they want to visit eventually, it might not top their list but it's on there and they always wind their way to that city eventually. Sure people might long for hot sandy beaches, turquoise water and dark skinned men with their white teeth flashing against their tans. Or they might want the hustle and bustle of an Asian city, steaming and savoury dishes, fluffy hot rice, tucked in to corners temples and remnants of their greatness. But eventually, if it's not at the top of their lists, people will say "and of course there's Paris".

Why? What do we love so much about the City of Light. Perhaps its the food? There are definitely people who would quite contentedly eat their way through Paris, with a Guide Michelin in hand they would go to a three or four starred restaurant for every meal, they would go to the open air markets devotedly, they would go to as many caves as possible, getting in a wine tasting every day if they could. They would delight in the little boulangerie right outside their hotel, where they would get their morning croissants- made not 15 minutes ago as Madame assured them- and sit at a little table out front and order a cafe au lait with their croissants.

Some people go for the culture. Paris is FULL of museums, churches relics of history war memorials etc. To go through the Louvre and give the art work the attention it deserves would take months. And then there's the light and airy and entirely beautiful musee d'Orsay, an old train station converted in to a shrine for slightly more modern artists. My favourite museum of them all though, had to be the Rodin museum. In his old, large and very beautiful house and throughout his gardens there is an impressive amount of statuary. There is also, if my memory serves me, a small outdoor cafe on the property, so that you can take a little refreshment and contemplate Rodin's genius at the same time.

Others still go for the fashion. That indescribable way that french women have of dressing that many others try to replicate but can never duplicate. The priviledge of shopping in the homeland of some of fashion's greatest names. A chance to get a little preview of whats to come (France is roughly a year ahead of us fashion-wise).

And lastly, I suspect that some people go simply to absorb and enjoy a little bit of frenchness. The french have something that a lot of the rest of the world doesn't understand, they have joie de vivre. Joie de vivre isn't quite as simple as enjoying life. It takes a little more conscious thought. It actually involves trying to make life pleasurable. So for example, when you're in France you may notice an astounding absence of gaudy mansions, hummers, SUVs etc. Instead what you're likely to see is tiny appartments, itty bitty houses with front gardens that are an absolute riot of flowers and lots of mopeds. This is no because the French earn less, but rather because they'ld rather spend their money on other things. The French spend a much higher amount of money, proportionally on food, vacations and other little pleasurable things. The French are much more likely to value a good restaurant meal over more gas for a hummer.

Anyway, I'm not going to lecture, the whole point of this was a brief bit of nostalgia and longing for my favourite place in the world.

Mystery solved!

2009-04-19T16:33:00.003-04:00

GUYS!

I've answered one of life's mysteries! I'm so excited... I HAD to share! I've always wondered, why do lyrics NOT make sense, and folks, I've figured it out. All across the nation, as I write, variations of the same conversation are going on. It goes like this.

"Dude, great song, but the lyrics don't make sense"

"So?"

"Well, dude... like... people have gotta understand what we're trying to say!"

"What are we trying to say Ned?"

"Dude... that's soooo deep."

"Look Ned, no one is gonna not buy our album because the lyrics don't make sense, and if anyone were to question us, and they wouldn't because no one wants to seem stupid, we would just say that we refuse to explain ourselves."

"Whoa... dude... that's why you're the master."

internet neuroses.. I mean dating

2009-04-18T21:44:00.002-04:00

zomg.... I have 6 followers! 6! I can't handle the pressure, I need one of you to leave now, k?! Actually, please don't I would cry, for days. Follower rejection would hurt more then dating website rejection.... So lets dive right in to the fray shall we? I feel as if, some guys have become disillusioned because, lets be real here folks, we all pick our most flattering pics to put on the site, so when they add me on fbook, and see the drunk shots, well you know.

Also, chiropractor boy, who I might add is graduating from kin shortly is fit. And I'm not... I feel as if he may be disappointed. We exchanged pics of a slightly more naked nature (swimsuits guys! JEEZE) and I feel paranoid because so far I've received, no comment. Nothing wreaks havoc with a woman's self-esteem like no comment.

Anywhoo, post is short because I am mad tired, and slightly tipsy and I have an early day tomorrow. So love you all! Have a bee-you-tiful weekend!

more, from the dating website

2009-04-13T23:57:00.002-04:00

so... I really like to peruse people's profiles, it's interesting checking out how people try and sell themselves.

"looking for a woman I can trust" could mean one of two things: a) I got hurt, so I'll never trust you. b) I'm looking for a sucker.

"no mothers please" means: I'm funny.. ha.ha

"verrry interesting" means: he's anything but

"looking for a soul mate" means: I'm sad and alone and not meeting my life goal of being married before I turn 25

"friends and maybe more" means: I'm trying to seem disarming and suggestive. So I come off as creepy.

"Love IS commitment, not a feeling" wow... that's... depressing...

"LETS GO BLUEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!" because.. that is how you attract a woman!

Internet dating part four

2009-04-10T16:20:00.002-04:00

Well, I went out with nurse boy and it was... a train wreck. Really I should have seen it coming, I like people who are different from me but we need SOME things in common for you know... conversation and such. This boy was like TOTAL opposite, I feared talking politics with him since hes so woefully uninformed and bored by it. I'm not interested in nursing, we had no common ground upon which to build... I should have seen it coming.

I sort of want to have a new rule of only dating university people, I feel like that would be wildly pretentious but at least that way I can avoid people who "don't read". Actually I cringed as I typed that last sentence. There are a whole lot of middle class liberal types like my self who fear seeming snobby more then anything else in the world. As a result sometimes we put up with people who are just not agood match so that we can't be accused of said snobbery. Well, I still have the guy from Dubai, Fashion guy, chiropractor guy, and the guy who likes sex in public places (yeah I dunno about that one either). I don't know what happened to french arab guy, I haven't talked to him since either monday or tuesday... I'm a little bummed about that because, with him, I could really practice my french, and you know, I had some diversity.

online dating cont'd

2009-04-09T13:15:00.002-04:00

Urgh, so this whole online thing adds such LAYERS of complexity it's actually insane. For instance, I haven't heard from fashion boy in AGES (ok like one and a half days) but it's driving me wild, wild I say. I added him on fbook per his request, he hasn't gotten back on that either. I'm wildly paranoid, did he peruse through my pics and decide that my style was off (as it can be sometimes, I blame suzy shier and it's cheap glory) or maybe he saw a pic where I'm not wearing any makeup and decided my skin tone was too uneven or my pores are too big!

Thats another fear of mine! Am I misrepresenting myself but just including head shots? You can't see any of my "trouble spots" so I'm developing a whole whack of insecurities I never had before! Are my arms too big? What about my belly? Can you see that little bit of cellulite on my thighs? Should my ass be more toned? Should I go get a facial that I can't afford because my nose is starting to erupt in black heads? ARGH!

On the flip side it makes things easier to. I mean I would NEVER approach a guy in real life, I'm ballsy about some things but rejection really stings. Even online rejection! Plus sometimes I get really tongue tied and nervous and I have inane giggles and goofy smiles and trouble making eye contact! At least here I can play it cool.

But fashion boy, or fb if I may.... I hope you get back to me soon!

Internet dating... continued

2009-04-07T11:20:00.002-04:00

So, life is going well-ish these days, aside from a couple of minor glitches (the disappearance of my glasses, my wallet being stolen, my continued refusal to crack open a text book) But I'm happy, sure I have a stress headache from not working but hey, if I just keep putting it off I won't fail because I'm stupid, I'll fail because I put it off.

I've been reading blogs again (excellent procrastination technique!) and I'm over 1000 behind... another thing I'll never catch up on.

But hey, I'm like 10 lbs lighter, I got my hair cut like Katie Holmes and I'm getting a kick out of internet dating (It is SOOOOOOO much easier then meeting people the usual way) Anyway, I've got a few going on right now, the main ones though are french guy, fashion guy, only wants sex guy, dubai guy and chiropractor guy.

The one that excites me the most though, is fashion guy. Already, he's giving me fashion and makeup tips, but he was in the army and watches football and such, it's such an interesting combination. PLUS hes 6' PLUS he's asian, did I mention I'm going through my asian phase right now? My last phase was a white phase which lasted for about a year so I figure I was long over due for a new racial phase!

(I don't know why but my mind works like this, for long periods of time I find only one race attractive... right now its asian guys, before that it was white guys, before that it was black guys and before that... I forget... but you get the idea)

Anywho... I went on a date with french guy. He was really cute, or I would think so if I wasn't going through asian phase, he's much better in person then online, some people come on really strong online since they can say things that they would normally be to inhibited to say in person. Our entire date was in french! Thats right, I spoke french for 2 solid hours, about... everything, heck even I'm impressed. The other good news? My english accent is cute.

internet dating part 1

2009-04-04T17:04:00.002-04:00

So, much to the amusement or disgust of several friends, I have joined an internet dating site. It's been an interesting ride people. It's amazing what guys think is funny. It also amazes me how many cliched shots there are of people.... some suprisingly frequent ones that come up: the shirtless shot, the sunglasses shot, the swimming with dolphins shot, the with 4 girls shot, I don't know why these all keep cropping up? I don't know.

And the kinks people have! The guy that likes to do it in public, the one that likes spanking, the one who wants to play just the tip asap.

URGH

Oh Hai, sorry I've been gone

2009-03-27T21:55:00.002-04:00

Lately... like the past month, I've been neglecting HUGE swaths of my life quite shamelessly and really I'm sorry! I AM. I've been preoccupied and studying and just not really feeling like doing anything. Sometimes a huge wack of apathy totally derails me for a little while, I hope that the fact that I'm posting right now means that I'm back!

So, what's new. I don't really know what to say. I wish I had tons of exciting updates. I wish that my life was as wild and crazy as I picture it in my head, the way that my Second Life would be if I had one.

Honestly I'm pretty out of practice in the blogging thing, so I'm going to leave it at this for now. More to follow with my life and the fearless things I might do (I have a doozy!) to follow.

comfort food (for the soul)

2009-02-25T21:24:00.004-05:00

"The melon felt surprisingly heavy for its size, the skin freckled with beads of water, the stem end slightly soft. We inhaled and made admiring noises. The melon king smiled, his expression at odds with the eighteen-inch machete he had found in the corner. "Now you must see the flesh," he said, taking back the melon. A flick of the blade and it was in two halves, vivid orange, brimming with juice, a treat that he told us would "charm the throat and cool the belly." (I later found out that he had borrowed the line from a melon-fancier who was also a poet, but it was most impressive at the time.)
.... He let us buy a dozen, throwing in a handful of damp straw to line the shallow wooden box which he gave us to carry them away.
We stopped at a cafe before going back to the car, and found that we had another melon expert in our waiter. The thing to do he told us was to cut of the top, scoop out the seeds, pour a bottle of vodka into the hollow, and leave the melon in the fridge for twenty-four hours. The vodka is soaked up by the flesh of the melon, making a potent dessert of unimaginable delicacy.
Something to charm the throat and cool the belly?
"Voila" he said. "Exactement"
- Peter Mayle, from Encore Provence

I don't just have a repertoire of comfort foods, I also have a repertoire of comfort books, though I acknowledge, the common theme in those books seems to be total escapism (like in the sorcerer world of David Eddings) or homey comfortable books like Lucy Maude Montgomery.

I also have a penchant for books set in France, like the one above, or the swash buckling adventures of Alexandre Dumas. It's books in these three, very general categories, that I read over and over again.

The L. M. Montgomery books are very simple. Feminism is great, I love it, it serves me and I serve it. Equality is great. Technology is great. Modern day relationships are great. But at the end of the day they are also freakin' complicated. So L. M is my escape, along with Alcott and other books of that ilk. Anything Jane Austen is guaranteed to satisfy me.

Also, I just like really old books in general, vanity fair, and Charles Dickens, any book where I'm addressed as Dear Reader. Swiss Family Robinson and others. It's so detached from my world, it was before fiction played games and tried to shock and pain you (the way the Kite Runner or the God of Small things does. Those to books are NOT escapist literature), no those books serve to entertain, they detach you briefly from reality and its great.

Another genre, fantasy. Who doesn't want to move to Hogwarts? De-stressing escapism at its finest, Voldermort be damned.

The foodie books. You need books with good eating. If only to make your eating better. Flip through nigella or gourmet magazine before your super. The perfect prime, and it's wonderful to think about nothing but food for a bit.

And finally, the french culture books which I eat up. I devour them. Or really any book where they romanticize the 1600s and 1700s with swashbuckling musketeers and fainting ladies. I don't know what that says about me. No doubt some Freudian psychologist says it reflects my subconscious desire to be a weak willed sop of a woman.

Either way, these are the books I reread when I'm stressed and tired of my dry academic tomes. Sometimes I'm ashamed so I usually tote Machiavelli with me (or sometimes Aristotle) to make me feel better. Sometimes it works to.

food is love

2009-02-24T21:48:00.002-05:00

All the diet and exercise magazines are going to strongly recommend against what I'm about to say, but I don't care. Sometimes we need food to make us feel better. There! I've said it! Are you suprised?

No?

Did I just go against every single fitness magazine that I've ever read that has said over and over, stop having an emotional relationship with food! It will make you fat! Food is fuel and nothing more!

Look people, the day food is nothing more then fuel, is the day that sex is nothing but a means of reproduction. It's the day that clothing, including silks, cashmeres, pretty dresses and hot jeans are nothing more then what we use to hide our nakedness and shelter our bodies from the elements. The day that food is nothing but fuel is the day that all the beauty in the world ceases to be important.

Am I being melodramatic? I don't think so. Every culture knows what I'm talking about. The preparation of a good meal is an act of love. Sitting together at a communal table, what is more elemental, what is more essential to what it means to be human, and alive, and AWARE. Food is love.

Ok, all that said, where am I going with this? This all started because, me being stressed out about exams and therefore procrastinating, what do you think I've been fantasizing about, day dreaming about, with a coy smile hovering around my lips like its some harlequin being written in my head? Not a man. Oh no. I don't think men are as satisfying as the things I was dreaming about (or at least no man I've met so far)

I've been dreaming about comfort food. My famous chocolate chip cookies, the delicious, incredible pasta carbonara I made for myself once, and only once since my parents frown on fatty pastas (living with home is a trial sometimes) nuts and bolts. This really divine burger that I haven't had since the summer. The stupendous pizza I had in the Dominican (I was surprised too). Its all been dancing through my head. I've been telling people about it too. They think I'm weird, or maybe they think the gym is finally getting to me. My sister took the opportunity to lecture me about my bad food choices (whatever miss Coolers and poutine! (ooooooh poutine... I just opened up another can of worms))

Anyways, where I'm REALLY going here is this: do not be ashamed to turn to food in comfort. Make yourself a home cooked meal, have a glass of wine, top it off with a cookie and some milk. That is healthy comfort food. An entire pint of Cherry Garcia, not so much.

Also, this is sort of my one and a half hours at the gym talking. I tried to satiate it with cheese but it's roaring for pasta, cookies, or nuts and bolts.

What Machiavelli forgot

2009-02-24T16:50:00.003-05:00

There's something you should know about political science students. Actually, several things. 1) Yes, even we are occasionally bored by our own subject matter. I was lulled in to napping earlier on today reading about Chinese politics which, considering how volatile they are (in comparison to Canadian politics) was no mean feat.

2) We all plan to take over the world someday. It's kind of embarassing and cliched actually.

3) We have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever. If you don't believe me look at parliament. If you don't believe them, contrast Hilary Clinton and her array of pantsuits (and her success) to Sarah Palin and her fashiongate (and her failure). Hell, I'm not even touching the men, caus we know they mix their plaids and polkadots.

4) We're argumentative by nature. We're sorry, we know its obnoxious, we can't help it.

5) All that said, we must be great in bed given the disproportionate number of cheating politicians.

the vacation anticlimax... in other words, the honeymoon is over.

2009-02-23T22:49:00.002-05:00

urgh. I feel so disinclined to blog right now. I'm back from the DR. It is cold here. Very. Very. Cold. I also lost my glasses at some point, so I'm bummed. Im equally bummed about the fact that I'm very unfashionable apparently (I'm not even close to the weardrobe kids, or the lookbook ones in all their hipster glory), my credit debt may be insurmountable and H ave take home exams galore to get done. Take homes a great idea, unless you have 4.

2009-02-13T14:45:00.002-05:00

had to share... And if you have food issues, DO NOT click on the link (yes you)

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

I'm serious. It's sick and delicious at the same time, it left me craving gravy covered pizza.

2009-02-13T09:08:00.001-05:00

Alright so I was not going to blog again before I go, but I'm kind of excited because I lost a lot of weight in a relatively short amount of time. And I was healthy about it people. I didn't deny myself ANYTHING. All I did was drink more water, eat more salad and burn 500 cal 3 times a week.... roughly.

So yeah. That pretty much sums up my weight loss tips. It won't even matter that you had almost a whole day's worth of calories in OREOS alone one day because you were so tired after the gym your body was going "sugar, fat, sugar, fat"

before I go

2009-02-12T22:00:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I'm off to the Dominican on Saturday (I know!) and I have got SO much to do before then. But I thought I would stop by.

Things I hate:

Knee caps- They seem so vulnerable

Essays that are entirely to long

Getting a manicure

The calories in the starbucks Espresso Truffle

Things I love:

The way my nails look after a manicure

The Espresso Truffle

The short story I'm writing (yay!)

The people who read this

Dear White People

2009-02-06T16:14:00.002-05:00

Hi white people (with emphasis on men)
Yes, I know, I'm white. Bear with me.

Listen white folks, I would love to say that this is an American problem. But its not. This is pretty much a world problem. Any place there are white people they're going to be saying shitty things and making assumptions. Now, I'm not saying that this is an exclusive white people thing, trust me, just about everyone can be and will be racist. But seriously people, the things you say. Really stupid Republican lady? You think this email is appropriate? Really lady working for Queen's Park who called the black guy that came in for an interview the "ghetto dude" because of his cornrows REALLY! Really stupid guy from a prairie province (who happens to also be a federal politician) who called Nelson Mandela a terrorist? Really Miley Cyrus? Asian eyes? (Sad story about the only asian girl in my class in elementary school who actually tried to fit in with our kiddie racism with a fake chinese accent and the odd asian joke is NOT to follow, but it did happen. The world is sick, I know.)

I mean, let's be real here. I make mistakes. I say things that I later regret. So does everyone. I pass judgement on people... pretty much all the time. We all do. So I could use a little cultural sensitivity myself, I think we all could. I mean, my black friends could including Miss "White Girls Can't Dance" (she may be right though) My asian friends could (Mr. Everyone knows White people aren't good at football... yeah that stereotype surprised me to)

So the question is this, what are we to do? Laugh it off? Get over it. Or get indignant (my personal hobby) and hypersensitive.

I'm going to warn you right now, if you ever use the phrase that's so gay I'm going to dye your hair purple in your sleep and tattoo gay hair stylists, I'm a homophobe on your forehead. Just TRY to get your hair fixed after that. (No I'm not implying all hairstylists are gay, I'm implying its a very accepting industry... jeeeeeeze)

So... are ya inadvertantly racist ever? How do you deal?

I want a simple life!

2009-02-05T21:23:00.002-05:00

Ok so you know when I get these ridiculous headaches and I want to wrap my head in pillows and sleep for a week (except I would get really dehydrated) well thats pretty much my life right now. Thats right people, I'm blogging, going to class, going to work, studying, hitting the gym and talking to friends all while my head feels like my brains are being squeezed out my ears. All day every day. Did I mention its impervious to pain meds? Oh yes, thats right, does not respond to over the counter drugs in unhealthy quantities. Yes you see, this is what stress does to me. It's cruel and ironic and debillitating, because then I can't function with a headache and I get more stressed when I can't function which makes the headache worse, so nothing gets done which makes the headache worse. BAH!

But now I'm doing something.

I'm reading over an essay (surprisingly good) and I'm blogging.

I cannot wait for my vacation, the Dominican isn't gonna forget me baby!

goals and things

2009-02-02T17:12:00.004-05:00

It's been a long time since I've written anything meaningful, for which I apologize. I've had a lot going on. I mean, between the resumption of school, the realization that I have a helluva lot of work to do, keeping up my two jobs and squeezing in gym time, I can barely think. (Clearly I need a blackberry and an itouch.) So even with all of this going on, I've been thinking of getting a little creative writing done on the side. Virtually all the bloggers who's blogs I read regularly are a) working on a book, b) have written a book or c) talk about how much they would like to write a book. I tend to fall in to the c category.

Maybe while I'm on vacation I will use it as an opportunity to write.

Anyways, I have some goals for myself this month, what about you guys? I mean first and foremost if I can make it through this month with some money in my bank account and relatively on top of my readings it would be a HUGE accomplishment, but I am going to set the bar a little higher then that. First, I would like to get my work done on time. Second I would like to exercise every day, with a serious workout 5 times a week. So when I say exercise every day I mean, take a walk, do some quick asanas whatever, but carve out some serious time 5 days a week to really exercise. I'm starting to slip in to the groove and I'm liking it, lets just hope I keep it up. I want to talk to some strangers, smile more, crack a few more jokes and make friends at my jobs. I want to feel motivated to make myself healthy food so I don't wind up buying fries at 3pm.

I want to meet people to. Maybe while I'm on vacation, but also at home. I can really never know enough people. ALSO, I need to start talking to potential future bosses (read: summer bosses) and seeing what I can get lined up. Come March I would like to be in a position where I can take some time, get my instructor's qualifications done and find another job. (BOTH my contracts expire in March but I'll be working a day camp thing for two weeks) Still, I NEED a regular source of income, or two.

I might just start leaving my credit and debit cards at home this month and paying in cash, so that when I AM out of work, I have enough to get by on for one or two months, but oooooh how I want that itouch and blackberry.

This whole want want want thing is getting a little tiresome, a little self-absorbed (more then usual anyways) I'm going to start thinking about other kinds of wants. Spiritual wants, other people's wants the wants of politics, feminism and all those other big things I try to understand.

One last thing: do you consider yourself to be a feminist? Or is it some awful label in your mind that calls up images of angry short haired women with unshaven legs and shrill demands?

I want..

2009-01-29T21:59:00.002-05:00

The body that makes swim suit shopping fun.

I went swim suit shopping today and it was painful my friends, painful. Usually, I have pretty good body confidence. I mean, it could be better but then so could my body (see?) but come swim suit shopping I feel like a mess by the end of it. Its like I've gained 50 lbs in two hours. This feeling is pretty much universal I understand.

Anyways, long story short, I have two bikinis (3 tops) and I'm so GLAD its over.

In other news, today I kind of disappointed myself. I watched a situation unfold and I felt like I should have intervened, my parents are two upstanding people and they don't let other people get abused but I'm afraid I have chronic bystanderitis. (I believe the real term is diffusion of responsibility) Because I work in the service industry, I'm very sensitive to people abusing service providers (verbally) I really wanted to intercede, especially because it seemed like such a crazy situation, but I was also afraid of making it worse. What would you do if you saw someone screaming at the poor bus driver? I had to go see if she was ok after that, but it really wasn't good enough. I'm definitely thinking about this too much, but its what I do. I replay things in my head over and over. I'm a dweller

Anyways.

Goodnight...
Don't dwell people. Don't be like me. Move on, make more memories... don't dwell

I want...

2009-01-28T18:13:00.002-05:00

...to leave this cold country for a time. I want to go to a place with endless beaches, warm breeze and smiling waiters. I want to go to a place where everything's brighter, and warmer. The sun, the colours, the smiles of strangers. I want to learn to surf, to snorkel through reefs, eat spicy food and drink freshly squeezed mango juice. I want to dance, let my hair bleach out and get wavy and wear jewelry made of shells that would look tacky anywhere but on a beach.

If not there then I want to go to a place where the very streets have been walked on for centuries before my country was even on a map. I want to wander through old castles and look around and enjoy the forgotten splendour of it all. I want to experience the kind of culture that is slower moving, they understand the importance of language, food and tradition in their continuity. I want to drink wine and discuss politics with the boys my age who act like they're men. I want to go to a daily market and sit on a terrace while the sun sets on some beautiful old ruin.

If not there, then I want to go to a place where to food is hotter and the colours are wilder then anyone with delicate North American sensibilities could ever imagine. I want to walk through old temples, and hike through ancient rain forests. I want to do yoga in an ashram and see where an ancient emperor used to keep his harem.

If not there, then I want to stand at the edge of a dessert. I want to walk through cities of vast wealth and vast poverty. I want to see an oasis. I want to experience a hot desert garden. I want to eat with my hands. I want to see places that westerners never go. I want to see catacombs. I want to see the oldest cities in the world, the greatest monuments to death and life.

So I think the point is, I'm bored of Canada, I'm bored of Winter. Get me out of here.

2009-01-27T21:57:00.002-05:00

I have to go to bed early because I have a headache and so much to do tomorrow! AND I have to make myself indispensible at work to get a good reference, its getting close to end of contract time (5 more weeks people) I also have a mild headache. So, before i go to bed I thought I would go through a childhood ritual that I never had but wish I did.

Goodnight moon...

Good night stars that I can't see...

Good night messy room....

Goodnight yellow monkey on my bed...

Good night tiring thoughts in my head....

Goodnight friends who are far away....

Goodnight York, I'll see you monday...

Goodnight hat & Gloves...

Goodnight future loves....

Goodnight gym bag...

(nothing rhymes with gym bag)

Goodnight moon.

You know, with all of the wonderful children's books we had it makes me a little sad that we never had that one, I mean we had a lot of the key ones: velveteen rabbit, I'll love you forever, The Giving Tree, Grandma and the pirates and a bunch of lesser known but equally awesome books. I loved those books and they really did define my childhood, I only discovered Good Night Moon later on in life. (Yes I'm aware that that was a lame rendition of Good Night Moon and my 7 year old self is currently shaking her head at my 20 year old self but I really am tired.)

Goodnight All.

sooooooorry (puppy eyes)

2009-01-27T16:25:00.002-05:00

It's been an embarassingly long time. In fact, the only thing that is awakening me from my blogging stupor is the Nablomopo theme for next month, it is something I will be able to blog extensively about. Ladies and gentlemen, the theme for the month of February is: WANT!

Who in North America can't blog excessively about this topic? Who isn't unsatisfied. I started thinking about it on the bus the other day, from the really basic things I want (chocolate, sleep, a seat) to the material things I want (itouch, blackberry, smaller laptop, designer duds, more money) to the completely unattainable things that I want (a rockin' bod, perfect skin, the ability to turn off the mean part of my personality) and then the wild and distant dreams that I have (novelist, world traveler, politician, intrepid do-gooder) and these are only the things I want for myself!

I want an end to world poverty, world peace, everyone to be happy, our lives to feel more simple, I want the world to want less (oooh the irony)... the list goes on my friends, the list goes on. Like I said, I can wax eloquent on this topic like no one else. After all, are we not driven by our wants? Could we not say that every single action we perform every single day is the direct result of trying to achieve something we want? Anyways, my head hurts way to much for me to philosophize any longer about this.

In case your all wondering, this whole exercise and eat right business is going okay. I mean, I just can't give up junk food cold turkey, I mean there are certain things that I would miss with a physical ache, bacon, fries, mayo, pie, chocolate, fettucini alfredo, (or really any italian food... like garlic bread) chocolate chip cookies, etc. Man if loving those things is wrong, I don't want to be right. ALSO, I have a problem, so I'm hoping that all of you people who read my blog and don't comment can help me out (I'm lookin' at you Lynne and Sarah) I need a super fantastic, wildly energetic, fun in a poppy way, with no electronika play list to exercise to! Shout out your favourites people!

byyyyyyye

He's just not that in to you

2009-01-19T14:11:00.004-05:00

Today has been a day with nothing to do but "Try and Look Busy". Something I like to think I'm really good at but I suspect I'm fooling no one. So in an effort to do so, I've been alternating between reading through my google reader (I had to mark them all as read since every time I left the damn page it started all over again) and reading the news. Especially the political news. I'm sure my boss would be very impressed. Anyways, here's what I noticed, I've noticed that all is not well in bloggerdom. I mean, sure we're all pumped about the Obama Inauguration. I cannot wait for our weird neighbours to the South to finally have a normal, sane, rational leader. I mean Bush made Harper look like a tree-hugging lefty. (On the other hand, Bush still looks better compared to Stockwell Day) But like I said before, all is not well in bloggerdom.

I think I've found the problem. The problem is men. It makes me cringe, it makes me wince, it hurts me to see the women whose lives I like to read about, throwing themselves away on crappy guys. Last year, I read the book that is soon to be released in to a movie with tons of my favourite actresses (Scarlette Johansson... Drew Barrymore? Squeeeeeee!) and I think that its a book every woman should read.

Ok, one of my fave websites of all time because it has just the right mixture of feminism, politics, fashion, celeb juice and other fluff says you should NOT read this book. I haven'really followed the full debacle, but in some way or another it is anti-feminist or woman or maybe even the problem lies in the fact that it makes all men seem like assholes... Eitherway Jezebel hates the book but is excited for the movie, and I'm confused.

Anywho, I really really really want all bloggers with man trouble to read the friggin book! Because then they would realize, that everything they do to convince themselves that so and so is a good guy and he'll come around is just a huge waste of time. If I actually knew these people personally, well lets just say they wouldn't be doubting my stance on the matter. So, girls if you need to convince yourselves that he's going to call/ask you out/not cheat on you/marry you, then maybe he's just not that in to you and for the love of God (because God is a she, clearly) stop wasting the pretty.

my outbox

2009-01-16T16:23:00.003-05:00

Dear Americans,

I don't understand your love for dragging out politics and turning something as simple as electing LEADERS for your parties ( and then the president) in to a big brouhaha. I know you all think that the fate of the world hangs on your next president, but hey, the world survived 8 years of Bush, so clearly not. Also you should consider the more civilized parliamentary system. With our system you can actually get rid of the leaders you don't like before their term is up. Of course I wonder if you would have had the brains to do it considering you re-elected that numskull. (I know, John Kerry wasn't as exciting but he sure would have been better for the economy) Anyways, can't wait for the inauguration to be over. Took ya long enough.

Love,
Canada
(80% of us anyways)

Dear York,
FUCK YOU

Love,
The Students.... and their parents.

Dear Fries,
Our sordid love affair has gone on for too long. You will be the death of my waistline. I think I need to go cold turkey. Is there a country that DOESN'T sell fries?

Love,
My muffin top

So I was on craigslist

2009-01-10T22:45:00.003-05:00

And this is the Ad I want to post:

So, do you like girls with big boobs, tiny waists, clear skin and perfect hair? Sorry man, thats not me. What about girls that make sandwiches after sex and don't really like to talk about anything aside from sports and how hot other girls are? Well sorry to disappoint. If you want a girl who's super needy and yet, incredibly argumentative, I'm your girl. If you like tons of layers to bed, and unshaved legs, give me a ring. I'll probably spend lots of time trying to change you... I hope thats ok. I by contrast will be strongly, strongly resistant to even the faintest suggestion of some small way that I can be improved. I don't get my eyebrows done as often as I should. I'm the queen of procastination, and during the winter, you'ld be lucky to get me out of my bed, let alone out of the house on a date. My nail polish usually looks pretty scraggly. I get cranky when I'm not fed frequently, thats one of your resoponsibilities by the way. I love to have political arguments until I'm screaming.

Sound exciting!
Please reply.

Fearless Fridays!

2009-01-09T21:48:00.002-05:00

Ew. Why would I ever have said, hey you know what, I want to stand on my feet for 6 hours in an unflattering swim suit, a large floppy flotation device on a hot pool deck in the hopes of preventing the accidental death of 4 year olds for a mere pittance! If I was getting paid what those city kids are getting paid, who would care. AND they get to sit in chairs. But no, I had to be a snob, I had to say I want to work for the company that's more selective with their clientel. I'm actually rolling my eyes at myself right now. I've been pretty busy lately pretending to work and pretending to not eat junk food. I've also pretended to exercise as much as I'm supposed to, but no force on earth is going to get me outside to walk for an hour on a day like today. I had a lot of observations to make today, they all sounded wonderfully witty in my head. Sometimes I catch myself thinking like I'm talking to someone or writing this blog, or perhaps even writing a novel about myself. (It wouldn't sell... trust me) I think I was going to do a fearless fridays thing, why not, let's give it a quick whirl.

1) Caesar Salad: Because I feel healthy eating it, even though I know, deep down inside it's all a sham!

2) Ri-ri: I just really like her hair...

3) The crazy guy that adressed a letter to the mayor today and signed it "The President of the United States" and then accused said mayor of flagrant sex acts and of printing lies about him in the Toronto Star.

4) My fidelity Jeans: Everyone should have a pair of fantastic jeans to wear when they're glum.

5) Spray in wax: Makes my boring hair interesting.

6) The Illinois House for FINALLY impeaching Blago. Took you guys long enough. Yeesh.

SO that pretty much concludes my involuted little rant. In case your wondering I only did walking today and I was good on the junk food score until tonight, I'm a sucker for popcorn.

Some things

2009-01-07T22:59:00.002-05:00

I need carbs on a deep level. This goes far beyond the realms of physical hunger my friends, in fact it goes far beyond the realms of psychological hunger. I will not say I'm on a diet because that will just jinx everything, but I will say I'm going to the Dominican Republic on February 14th and I have begun my preparations. Among them I'm trying to reduce my junk food intake to almost zero and maximize my fruit and vegetable intake. This is going as well as can be expected considering the fact that I'm pretty much allergic to all fruits and vegetables in their uncooked form. I wish I was exaggerating friends, but I'm not. Here's when I know I'm done my salad: I'm not finished when I'm full, nor am I finished when the plate is empty, I'm finished when my voice is so raspy I sound like a 60 year old 1/2 pack a day smoker. (I stop plenty before I sound like a pack a day smoker) On top of this, I'm exercising. I don't use this term negligently the way I usually do to describe laps in the pool, a brisk walk or yoga whenever the mood strikes. Oh no, this is the real McCoy. I'm working out, with real exercises and everything. End of story, I'm tired, cranky and not noticeably slimmer (of course it's only been 3 days... but still) however, there is this one point in the day when all my good intentions go out the window. On Monday I succumbed to perogies, on Tuesday it was poppycock and today it was a BLT. Let me tell you, as soon as that constant gnawing that simply will not be satiated by salad was gone, I could feel wellbeing radiate from every inch of my body, it was wonderful. Long story short, I'm pretty sure I can stay on track if I can have one or two indulgences a day.

Ok in retrospect I realize that was a really boring thing to write about. I apologize, my life is in fact, pretty boring these days. Aside from waiting with bated breath to see whether or not my university and the union will in fact let me back in to class and working, and seeing some friends some of the time, there's really not all that much going on. I worry, I plan, I don't act out on my plans and then it starts again.

Finally, I'm just now coming to terms with the awesomeness that is Kindle, and slowly absorbing the fact that I don't have one. At any given day I carry about 5 books in my purse, one or two that I'm reading for fun, one serious book, and the rest are school books. On top of that, I carry like, 2 notebooks, because I don't want to be caught unprepared, an organizer that I haven't had to use and a bunch of other paraphanalia. I was thinking, kindle, plus iphone, plus super small and fast laptop with lots of battery power (AKA not the one I have now) and that would be all I need to carry. Then I stopped, sighed, and shook my head at what a sad, materialistic little person I am. But hey, at least I know!

ah Europe, here we come

2009-01-03T19:02:00.002-05:00

I'm excited. I'm excited the way I wish I was excited about a new man in my life. In some ways this is better though. Men come and go, working in Europe with a friend is the trip of a lifetime though. It's a little premature, I'm not going to lie, but we've already begun the preliminary planning. I'll let you know as the plans unfold. I'm serious this time. Plus I have someone to go with as added incentive!

snowy afternoons in the library

2009-01-02T22:04:00.002-05:00

I have a headache so I'm going to keep this brief. Firstly, have you read Eat, Pray, Love yet? No? Why not? Do it. It's life changing I swear. It's very carpe diem to which I like. In fact that may have to be my new motto for the year. It's pretty cliched, but things only become cliched because they were awesome in the first place.

So originally my big plan for today was... NOTHING! And I liked it that way. Usually I have stuff to do, or I feel like I should be doing something. In fact, usually I feel guilty for sitting around and doing nothing. In fact, occasionally I make it look like I'm doing something so that I can do nothing with a tranquil spirit.

However, my plan was quickly derailed. For reasons I'm not getting in to now, I wound up in a big library in tights and a red dress. No force on earth could persuade me to go outside or take the subway until I thawed a little so I started to think about some things that I want to do for myself this year. Do more yoga, decrease anxiety, manage my headaches without pills, maybe be a little more spiritual, because lets face it, we all need some spirituality. So, long story short, I have books along the lines of The secret power of yoga and What Matters; Spiritual Nourishment for mind and heart, Bikini Bootcamp, and Scarlett Pimpernell which is admittedly neither here nor there, it's just a good book. I'm also trying to get back on track with my school reading. I have no clear idea of what this is going to accomplish, just some hazy ideals, so bear with me folks.

Happy new Year

2009-01-01T17:12:00.002-05:00

So I've been thinking about New Year's Resolutions.It's a slippery slope my friends. I think we're all familiar with the tendency of these often drunkenly thought out resolutions to fail. I mean realistically if I want my resolutions to not fail, I would have a better time if they went along the lines of:
1) study less
2) eat more junk food
3) get in to more fights with people that I love.

These are all things that I'm already pretty good at, so I'm pretty much guaranteed to succeed. Instead my resolutions tend to run along the lines of :

1) go to the gym
2) get and maintain an 80% average
3) don't spend my money on useless things and junk food
4) stand up straight
5) stop being such an irrascible bitch

However, I think we all know that life isn't like that. I was reading, a month or so ago in my fave girlie magazine... well really my favourite magazine since I don't read intellectual ones (a resolution maybe?) about the idea of making small monthly resolutions. To be frank, I like it. The people did really easy thigs too, like wear dresses for a month or do one minute of exercise daily. So maybe, I just might stand a better chance of my resolutions are one at a time and bite sized. My over all goal can be more grandiose maybe, but my steps in getting there can be smaller. Let's say "be the best you can be" as something overall, vague and pleasant sounding for now. I'll firm it up a bit later.

A Carpe Diem Year

2008-12-29T22:53:00.002-05:00

Ok firstly I would like to apologize to the three people that openly admit to reading my blog as well as the hidden hordes I know are out there lapping my words up in secret. To those people I have to tell you, it's nothing to be ashamed of, really. I'm not That bad, nor is my material so peverted that it's something you need to hide from your friends. Anyhow, what I'm apologizing for is my prolonged absence. I seem to write a lot about how moody I am or how insanely happy I am but nothing particularly new and exciting. In consequence I really didn't want to bore you all with the details of my Christmas with the family, the waves of despairing loneliness that washed over me (irrationally) alternating with bouts of euphoric Christmas giddiness (also irrationally). Also, I've been unusually critical with myself. It's rare that I start out with any intent or purpose when I post, so it usually sounds quite rambling. However, lately that hasn't quite been good enough. Yes I'm rambling right now, in fact I can barely think through the fog in my brain caused by prolonged inactivity and weeks of eating too much. But I have decided that you, dear reader, have been ignored for too long.

I want to think about New Years. I love New Years. Ok, I hate New Year's eve with a passion. To me it's the worst holiday in the whole wide world. But I love New Years. I love the feeling of a brand new year. For the first little while anyways it feels different from all the other years. This year has possibilities. This is the year I'm going somewhere. I'll do something big. I'll start on the path that will lead me down the road of my Ideal Future. So for a little while I feel grand. I walk with a bounce in my step, I stand a little straighter, I drink more water, go to the gym more often and try to procrastinate less. I try and smile and flirt and be charming and witty, ah yes, this year has possibilities. But as we all know, our Resolutions are doomed before they actually begin. It's kind of embarrassing to admit that we've fallen of the wagon, but since it was inevitiable anyways we all just kind of grin sheepishly and move on. We set the bar to high we tell ourselves, there's always next year. I wish, I desperately wish, that this year would be different. I want a Carpe Diem year. When I'm old I want to look back and remember what I did, not what I wish I had done. So please, please let this New Year's be different.

Nigella... are you looking to adopt another kid?

2008-12-16T18:50:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I love reading cookbooks. It sounds like a strange thing to love, especially when you consider how little cooking I actually do. A few years ago, I wouldn't have got it, but then a few years ago a good night would probably have involved McDonalds and the movies. Some things about growing up are wonderful... However, by far the best cook books to read are those that are written by people who aren't neccessarily professional chefs. I don't want to say professional chefs are bad food writers! What slander! No, on the contrary they're great food writers, but often for them a meal is an opportunity to show off with delicious but elaborate feasts for the senses that need a half day to prepare and ninety dollars worth of ingredients. What I like to read is the kind of book written by people who cook with love. I know that that sounds incredibly corny, but if you're the type of person who cooks for themselves a lot or who eats out a lot, think of the basic pleasure given when someone else cooks a meal for you. A truly delicious family dinner is an affirmation of love. Also, nothing brings people together like good food.

So while I love going to a restaurant and ordering something fancy, when I want to feel snuggly and cozy, or when I want to get in to the holiday spirit, I crack open one of my Nigella Lawson's or one of my Peter Mayle's and curl up in my living room with something to munch on (you should never read a food book without something to nibble on along the way) and lose myself in the photography, the descriptions, the menus and the whole feel of it.

single during the holidays...

2008-12-10T18:37:00.004-05:00

People tend to blog a lot about being single, in fact I would maintain that it is a far more popular theme then the joys of a solid and comforting relationship ever will be. Why? Well in the book Atonement one of the characters said that she liked writing about ugly people better, there were far more ways to describe ugliness then beauty, everyone beautiful looks the same. That's kind of how relationships are, once you've talked about how much you love each other, how happy you make each other and how you can't imagine never feeling this way, there's not a whole lot left to talk about. Not to mention the fact that, most relationships inevitably settle in to a rut... singles do to of course, they just get to bitch about that rut because they're single. Singleness on the other hand comes in a wonderful array. Firstly, there are the miserable singles, these people are absolutely convinced that their lives would be so much better if only they had a significant other. Their self esteem would be better (since someone finds them attractive), it doesn't matter how crappy their job is because there's someone wonderful to come home to, and having partner is going to fill that aching void of loneliness that is inevitably in their lives.

Then there is the kind of single that is indifferent to their singleness. They've accepted it, they go out with their friends, they have hobbies, they try to go places to meet new people, they go on the occasional date. These people do not bemoan their singleness and they see it as a phase. But on the flip side they don't celebrate their singleness either.

The third kind of single is the kind that celebrates their singleness, they wallow in it. The perfect example in my mind is Samantha from Sex and the City. She is the quintessential bachelorette and has every intention of remaining so for the rest of her life. She revels in the freedom of being without that ball and chain, she gets the stability of a relationship from her friendships and she gets the sex from... well... the masses. She is a total narcissist and likes it that way.

So my friends, what makes singleness truly interesting is that no one is one of these three all the time. People tend to bounce back and forth between the three, and sometimes they find themselves in between two of them.

The reason why I'm giving so much thought to singleness is the holidays, specifically New Years. The holidays are bad enough with the majority of my cousins and my sister in relationships but now add to the mix New Years, the holiday with the most pressure to be with someone... anyone if only at the strike of midnight. (Well Valentines is probably more pressure, or would be if I wasn't looking forward to the discount chocolate on the 15th) So here am I trying to figure out what to do with myself, I talk to one of my bffs, she's going to a club with her bf and some other people, I ask if some of those people will be single. She said no, is that a problem? The answer is a resounding omfg YES!!! See here's the thing, its not that I mind being with couples, I don't but I really really cannot stand being a third wheel. I get strength in numbers. I need people to commiserate with. I need people to talk to when all the couples get all PDA on me. Trust me, there is absolutely nothing more awkward then sitting in a hotel room with 5 other couples that are making out, whispering to each other or drunkenly arguing. Well... the only thing more awkward would be if they started having sex.

So my assessment: I need a date, another single or another party... STAT!

I was going to write about christmas music, scrubbing the floor and the sappy/awesome book I read but...

2008-12-07T00:22:00.002-05:00

I tend to assume a lot of men are gay and just not out yet. In fact, my deep interest in outing gay men, my overly sensitive gaydar, my interest in gay rights (it's totally a human rights issue!) and the fact that sometimes i would rather wear my sneakers, a t-shirt and my comfy jeans (with no makeup to boot) led my mother to suspect that I'm gay.

This was something I gave serious thought to... after all no one knows me better then my own Mother! Maybe she was on to something, maybe she knew something I didn't. So I pictured myself with a woman instead of a man. I could immediately see the practicalities of the situation. I want a large family so it was nice to think that the birthing and breast-feeding responsibilities would be immediately halved. Also, I wouldn't be automatically slotted into the typical woman's roles in a marriage. Hopefull I would never have to hear "you're only mad because you're on your period" as well.

I did some research, I compared hot men and women on the subway, who was I more attacted to? I even struck up a flirtatious conversation with an absolutely gorgeous girl who hit on me via facebook. I'm not one of those girls who get drunk and make out with other girls for attention, I'm one of those girls who get drunk and make out with guys... because I'm horny, so I had no real frame of reference to help me determine which gender I had the most chemistry with.

But ultimately folks, I think that the reality is that I'm just far more attracted to tall handsome men with breaod shoulders and muscular stomachs and that undefinable arrogance that must come from having a penis. But perhaps, in spite of the strong case I made for being with women, my attraction to men is for the best... at least with men I know who's the boss (me) with women I'm not so sure where I would stand.

From the Annals of my notebooks

2008-12-05T19:35:00.002-05:00

I stockpile notebooks, like a total nerd. I absolutely adore stationary. So sometimes I go through writing periods if you will, when I write quite a frequently. However, as a result, it often winds up being sappy and melodramatic. Writing teachers encourage you to use lots of different words and sometimes that backfires. Anyhow, I feel like including an old piece, one from between 2 and 3 years ago I figure. It's one of the least corny ones, but feedback is always appreciated.

** You are the pink in my day. A brief but glorious minute of sunshine reflecting blazingly in a wet and grey world. You are the tattoo peaking out of an evening gown and you are running away during our lunch break to ride the rollercoasters. You taste like the Baileys I slipped in my coffee before the board meeting. You are the brazen sunflower whose coarse beauty brazenly outshines the dull, prickly roses. Only you could make the smell of lavender soap, stale coffee and garlicky french food my favourite smells in the world. You have become the tamarisk in my life.**

Is it a tad melodramatic? Yes. Is it a little wordy? Yes. Do I remember who this was about? No.

If you're wondering about such a random short paragraph, it has to do with the short descriptive paragraphs a writing teacher had my class do every week. It was kind of a warm up exercise.

I almost forgot

2008-12-04T22:35:00.002-05:00

If gentlemen prefer blondes... where is my gentleman?

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

2008-12-04T21:45:00.003-05:00

Suprisingly no, this is not going to be me obsessing over Tiffany's again. Instead, I'm going to be obsessing over one of the best movies of all time. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Darlings, it's iconic, it's Marilyn Monroe at her finest, if you have never witnessed this then, you must see it immediately. There are lines in it like "I just love finding a new place to wear diamonds." As well as flashy musical numbers. Monroe plays the charming ditzy blonde who's in it for the money and her friend plays the brunette party girl that is in it for the...well they had to refer to sex far more subtly back then. Suffice it to say that the "Olympic team" (really a bunch of dancers who are far to good looking to be straight) is one of the highlights of the movie.

Anyhow, the movie is the fantastic end to a fantastic day. It has been one of those rare days where I've accomplished everything I wanted to for once.

It's a wonderful feeling.

Hyde... fuck yeah

2008-12-03T23:00:00.002-05:00

I have nothing to say except that I just saw an episode of That 70s Show and in a total flash back I have transfered half my affections to Danny Masterson.

Is any fantastic Federal politician hiring right now?

2008-12-02T22:28:00.002-05:00

Ok I'm watching Peter Mansbridge right now. I should be reading a newspaper or something, but I can't because I'm getting stupider by the day. Anyhow, as we all know I'm out of school, cooling my heels and waiting for the damn strike to end. There's not a whole lot going on with my life, I'm ashamed to say that my studies aren't just slipping, they've full-on stopped. I would rather clean stuff and go to the gym. Thats actually going really well. But here's the point, Ottawa is the place to be right now. Our politics are getting super exciting with this potentail coalition, maybe even more exciting then in the states. I want to be in Ottawa for the "Coup" if there is one! Can anyone hook me up?

two blogs in one night? WHAT?

2008-12-02T01:14:00.002-05:00

Ok, So clearly I'm hyped up on something. If cocaine feels like this then I'll pass. My family says, Laura, go to the gym. I don't know if it'll work but its worth a try. What I really wanted to write about tonight though, was The Daily Show. Anne Hathaway was on it and I have to say, I love her. How did such a sweet girl wind up with a guy who claimed to financially represent the Vatican? But far more important then my love for Anne is my love for John Stewart. I know what you all are saying, "He's too old Laura. He has a family Laura. He's super-smart, rich and famous with millions of groupies." Listen all you nay-sayers, our love is pure! Our love has no bounds. When I'm not swooning over his salt and pepper wavy hair or that sardonic half-smile he's always wearing, I'm grinning with sheer delight, and yes, even chuckling occasionally at his jokes. Of course, I'm also fantasizing about him, me a candy bikini and that studio set of his... once everyone has gone home. TMI? I don't care. Now folks, since I have so much free time on my hands, I'm going to be delving back in to the realm of creative writing. I haven't seriously "been there" since grade 12 in high-school, under the tutelage of Mrs. Diamond. Anyhow, I'm bringin' the creative writing back. Normally political science doesn't allow much in the way of creative leeway, however, it seems that these days, they are just begging me to become an artsy type. I have no intentions of working at a restaurant however. Weak punchline? I know. So I will be sharing little tidbits from the short story I hope to write, maybe even get feedback on the plot ans whether or not its sounding a little to harlequin-ey or like those books with a lot of discriptors designed to confuse the stupid nouveau bourgeois in to believing they're actually reading literature.

whats wrong???

2008-12-01T19:32:00.002-05:00

I don't know why, but today I'm feeling jittery. It wasn't so bad yesterday, but last night I could barely sleep. I hovered uncomfortably between consciousness and sleep, my thoughts became dreams, which in turn became nightmares, but I was still conscious enough to say "snap out of it dude". My favourite pillow, which is flatter, was no longer making the cut if you will, my other pillow which is considerably plumper was too plump. At one point I balled up my comforter and all my throw pillows and threw myself across that. No cigar. I wanted to get up and walk around. I wanted to flip through magazines and books. I wanted to go watch the really bizarre late night television. More then anything though, I wanted to sleep. I was awake when everyone else started to get up. More then awake really. Usually I feel pretty groggy first thing in the morning, but not this time. Oh no, what I really wanted to do was get up and take up running. I've failed at it before, but this time I was sure I would get it. I would run to the YMCA, do some laps in the pool, come home and finally get some shut eye. I had a cable guy to wait for though. So instead I drank some coffee, which made things worse, read a book, which made things worse, and tried to trick myself in to eating, which made things worse.

Its like my body is doing a total 180, usually, I'm hungry and tired. Today, food would equal more energy. If I had more energy I would explode!

What the hell is wrong with me?? Anyone know?

To Do

2008-11-29T15:05:00.002-05:00

I've been wondering about my reluctance to, you know, actually accomplish anything right now. It's admittedly pretty bad. So I'm going to write up a to do list for the week. Including some major projects, scrubbing the floors, doing the laundry, cooking dinner and transcribing recipes in to the recipe book I got for my mom a couple of Christmases ago. I'm really disappointed in the place where I'm supposedly working, I have emailed them twice, they haven't responded, so I guess I'm looking for a job. If anyone knows a pool thats hiring lifeguards in Toronto please let me know!

yay blogs and david sedaris!

2008-11-27T15:11:00.003-05:00

Woo-hoo! So, since monday, I have made my way through 2 books and half way through the third. The first two books were, in my opinion, pretty awesome. The first one was the awesomest, because its totally my thing. I read: The Rick Mercer Report Paperback Book! Yes! If you don't know who Rick Mercer is and you're Canadian, shame on you! I didn't say you have to like him, I said you have to know him. If you're American, he's kind of like John Stewart or Stephen Colbert except funnier. Also his humor is uniquely Canadian, so while you could youtube him I doubt you Americans would get it. You may also be a little offended by his talking to Americans segment. But before you get your patriotic panties in a twist please remember, we live beside the most arrogant and powerful nation in the world, if we didn't laugh at you we would have to find a way to kill you. The second book had its ups and downs, its called Waiter Rant, it was based on the author's blog.

Its not that he's a bad writer, its just that so many of his flaws are also my own, and he wound up waiting tables well in to his late thirties, I mean sure he got a book deal and found somthing else to do, but still, it makes me antsy.

The last one that I'm reading right now is David Sedaris's When Engulfed in Flames. At the outset I found it a little hard to get in to, which was too bad really because I have read nothing but good about this book, maybe I'm just not sophisticated enough to get it.

In other news, and this is the best news of all, I have 4 lbs of the best hand-made chocolate in Canada, if not the world, sitting in my freezer waiting to be devoured by my family on Christmas day. I'm not going to lie the suspense is killing me. To help myself along with the suspense I got some humbugs and peanut brittle from the same company. If they weren't so nicely gift-wrapped I would have already taken a chocolate or two and moved the other around to hide the hole. I got 4 boxes when I only actually need two (one for Grandpa and one for Mom, my dad thinks chocolate is a lame gift, as does my sister) so I will probably be busting one of those extra suckers in... oh... about 2 hours. Lets just say my plans for this evening involve getting hungry with a couple of my girlfriends without actually, you know, exerting ourselves.

Ok here's my last little bit. As you all know, I'm more or less perpetually single, probably because I think I'm the shit, though maybe not, it seems to work for men. Anyhow, in spite of my single status, people ask me for advice. I'm lucky that thus far it hasn't actually led anyone astray. But this is what I'm hearing a lot of: "Oh my GOD Laura, you've got to help me, I have no idea what the fuck to get for______ (fill in the blank.)" This question is usually from, the newbies if you will. The people that have been together for under a year. They're conflicted, many of them would like to buy something super-extravagent as the ultimate statement of love, but alas we are all students. The other thing I'm hearing (from the guys) is a way more cautious approach. It seems like a lot of men don't want to set the bar too high. Jewelry, (as in the good stuff not the crap from ardenes, or even the slightly more upper-scale gold or silver PLATED jewelry) is totally out of the question in their minds, since its clearly setting the bar pretty damn high. Ok I see where you're coming from, but just to clarify, if you buy a girl jewelry she is not going to expect it for every single occasion from now until when you guys break-up... I swear!

However, I think I have a solution that will satisfy both my sentamentalists and my under-achievers. A gift that shows you care. Now I see people scratching their heads, what does that MEAN Laura, and here we arrive at one of the fundamental differences between men and women. Women like stuff they can't use but that makes them feel special, hence the appeal of jewelry, men like stuff they can use. So for the caring stuff, for girls I can see a bunch of insanely cute gifts given over a date: A nice mug w/ hot chocolate mix + a small bottle of bath bubbles, a gift card for a manicure at her fave place (usually around 20$ guys), something small for her pet or child if she has one, and of course something that says: I get you, a DVD that suits her, a mixed cd of all of "your songs" + ones you'll know she'll love a vintage pair of earings like the ones Audrey Hepburn wears in THAT scene of THAT movie that she loves. I know that this is really detailed stuff, but a gift should never be totally generic, polish it off with a great note or card and you're in business.

Ladies, shopping for a guy can be difficult. It's really tempting to just get him nice clothes that he'll never wear or some lingerie for you to wear (a double present really) it's also tempting to get him something really sentimental, like a scrap book of all the special moments you shared... which he may look at once but will wind up in the bottom of his closet for safe keeping. Now the clothing idea isn't half bad actually, (see above about guys liking practical gifts) but I suggest practical AND fun, or sometimes just fun. Tickets to a hockey game, a year long subscription to a beer of the month club, barbecuing accessories... a new golf club... a super awesome home-cooked meal. Once again, find a way to make it personal. Oh! I know, a manly cook book (Gordon Ramsey is manly, Nigella is so awesome men can't handle her) a cook book is a gift that keeps on giving. Actually I think books are awesome presents, but I make this suggestion with some trepidation, remembering my time in highschool where during "reading period" the guys would scramble for the sports section of the newspaper because they quite simply, did not read.

things...

2008-11-26T18:10:00.002-05:00

Well, I had a headache today. Advil did squat. I don't waste time with tylenol. The only thing that actually helped was... surprisingly a stiff drink. My headaches was the product of two things, my bad posture and a serious amount of tension. You know its bad when you can feel knots under your scalp. (Its not something people usually think about, but your head is covered in a thin web of muscle which... you know... keeps your head from falling off your neck). But yeah, that pretty much shot my day. I still went to TFS to play with the babies (lunch time supervisor en francais) and I made an attempt to study, but I didn't go swimming the way I wanted to, nor did I get my flu shot.

There's another project that I had set up for today. It's a small thing, but it's one of those feel-good things. Last night, I was thinking about postsecret which is an absolutely fabulous blog to read. Anyhow, I love how people sometimes leave secrets in the books (the postsecret books) rather then send them in to that dude. The blog has a bunch of other little initiatives like that. So, I decided to do my own little take on things, I wrote up 10 one sentence anonymous notes to put in books in Chapters and the library today. But my headache held me back... LAME I know.

I'm also seriously thinking of starting a love advice blog. No I'm not kidding. Yes I know that I'm also single, perpetually, usually by choice tho sometimes not. Anyhow, I'm starting to notice that having a vagina has automatically made me qualified in How Women Think. I have answered questions like: how do you know when a girl likes you? What should you get a new girlfriend for christmas? Does she like it when I do THAT? I know which of my guy friends are vanilla about sex, I know which ones think threesomes involve "lots of waiting for the other chick" and I know which ones think that sniffing their laundry is an acceptable way to tell which ones are clean. Anyhow, I think that some guys need a place to ask what they're too embarrassed to ask their mothers. But then, lets face it Im not actually terribly relationship qualified. I can always poll my friends though!

Christmas is coming!

2008-11-25T10:33:00.002-05:00

So in case you didn't know, York is on strike and I'm overwhelmed with free time. (Actually I still have a ton of work to do, but my life is lacking in structure right now) So I've been spending a great deal of my free time thinking about what to get people for Christmas. For one brief moment of madness I wanted to get everyone something from Tiffany's and spend the next year and a half trying to pay down my credit card debt, but the moment has passed and I realize that I'm not quite at the Tiffany's place in my life right now. (I know, I'm obsessed, shaddup) So I'm kind of toying with the notion of getting everyone MY favourite things, namely books and chocolate. Think about it, nothing says Christmas like candy (baby Jesus who?) and a good book is the gift that just keeps on giving. Just to keep people from thinking I'm totally boring and unoriginal I'm going to have to mix it up a little, some jewelry here, some the Body Shop there, you know, that kind of thing. But in all seriousness, I think I've hit upon the perfect combination for the people I really love, since most of them have literary tendancies anyways.

Anywhoodle, the other thing I'm thinking about, the thing that's really bugging me is how am I going to bring structure back in to my life. How do housewives do it I wonder? I know that I have tasks to do, but there's nothing to make me do it. Nothing would make me happier right now then finding a cure for my apathy. I would love to go for a swim or a brisk walk. I would love to be fascinated by the evolving purpose of the British government, but the reality is, this just doesn't seem to be happening right now. So what is a girl to do? Lets give it an hour, in an hour I'm going to get up from the couch, put on nicer clothes and go see the YMCA about a one month gym membership so that I don't have to cross the picket line, and I'll bring a swim suit with me, then I'll head over to the public library at bayview village and do some reading there, after that I will reward my lack of apathy with a browse through chapters! yay! (Plus I'll do some Xmas shopping while Im there!) then I'll walk home, do some tidying and maybe look up some recipes I can cook this week.

Yes! I write about my unproductiveness and suddenly I'm productive! Love it.

a new job!

2008-11-24T17:49:00.002-05:00

A new year, A new job! How exciting. I know, neither have started yet, but its what I have to look forward to. That's right folks, I have landed another AA job for a politician. This is super exciting. By AA I mean admin assistant FYI. I've had this kind of job before, it can be dull. It kind of depends on your employer. However, working for a politician has its perks, my personal favourite is lots and lots of phone calls. This might not seem like a good thing to most people but it is. For two reasons: 1# it breaks the monotony. The complaints are varied, they come in different styles, from the polite "we thought you should know our garbage hasn't been picked up in 6 weeks" to the hysterical "our neighbour's boyfriend is parked ILLEGALLY for the second fucking time in a row! If you do not fix this problem immediately I will make SURE that the mayor knows! No I will not fucking speak to the boyfriend first you asshole, I want the person elected to represent me who is being paid by my fucking tax dollars to fix the problem." So, yes, ahem, phone calls do indeed break the monotony. Reason # 2 is perhaps my perversity. Yes I am a cynic, I am a cynic about love, sometimes about human nature, I'm definitely a cynic about bankers; stock brokers and the market in general, but for some strange reason I still see politics as the ultimate higher calling. Usually the people who become politicians could be making more, it would be easier for them to work their way steadily up the corporate or legal ladder (or whatever) but instead they choose the tiring, arduous task of being a politician. Why? Well, sometimes its exciting. Its often thought provoking. A few noble souls feel that it is the best way to give back to their country/province/city, and lots of people see it as one big game. I know that doesn't sound terribly reassuring. Both sides are in it to win, but where does that leave the voters? To me, the most exciting thing about it all is that politics is the ultimate agent of change. If you have an Obama-esque vision, really the only way to bring it about is through politics!

Channelling strength

2008-11-23T19:10:00.002-05:00

I was originally going to bitch about a few things that happened this weekend that really pissed me off. But then i decided there is something better to write about, strength.

Today my mom went through her jewelry, she tidied it and sorted it, she got rid of some things and gave me a few things. She lent me a few bangles and a Coco Chanel-esque string of pearls (fake darlings, she's nice but she's not THAT nice). Anyways, tidying her jewelry is no mean feat, she has two jewelry boxes and three drawers full of the stuff. I love going through her stuff. There's so much history. Her most prized possessions are not neccessarily the most valuable ones, the valuable ones were usually pieces she bought when she was single and therefore a wealthy woman. Her most prized pieces are the ones that belonged to her mother.

I'm wearing one of my mom's rings right now and I'm thinking about why heirlooms are so important to people. It reminds me of her, and it reminds me of her strength. She is one of those people who never let circumstances bring her down. I hope I can be that strong someday.

fearless shows yay!

2008-11-20T18:09:00.002-05:00

Ok this is something that the Women's network seems to specialize in and I love it. Shows like How to Look Good Naked and What not to Wear make the women in the show feel good and thus me by proxy. Of course, it means I have to put up with awkward vagisil commercials and board game commercials (signs of the recession 101) but seriously these shows are awesome. They specialize in body confidence in a short period of time. Sometimes it doesn't work, once I saw a skinny girl on What Not To Wear who was having trouble with clothes because she felt "top-heavy" the women was probably 120 pounds with a b-cup, so she clearly had other issues at work. However, these shows are great for women with "general" low self-esteem. Lets face it, no one is perfect and we have RIDICULOUS body pressures on us that are created in part by society and the media etc. These shows kind of counter that. The group of women that they help the most are those that seem to have given up, They wear drab shapeless clothes, and they wear their hair long and tied up like the member of some strict sectarian religion. They wear little makeup, don't deal with their eyebrows and oh My GOD I could go on. (If you've seen me lately you're saying Laura you are a fucking hypocrite you're eyebrows are a mess) To me, the most painful part of this is the fact that SOOOOOOO many of these women are MOMS.

Does this mean, when I'm a mom I'm going to stop wearing nice clothes? I doubt it, my mother gets her hair done regularly, has immaculate makeup and knows the importance of a good suit. I think a huge part of that, is the fact that she has a life outside of her family. Its true, in my recent recollection I have seen at least 4 women on this show who, in spite of their jobs say that they are a mom first so it doesn' matter what they look like. I kinda feel bad for their husbands, but I feel worse for them. You have a child so suddenly you don't have any value beyond that child? Wake up ladies, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of another human.

Actually, that's one of the areas about my mom that does frustrate me. I wish she would go to the gym more. It has nothing to do with her weight. The woman has blood pressure problems, a whole slew of immune system problems, and she's getting to an age where she should be thinking about bone density and muscle mass. But no, she puts her career and family first, not her health.

Please, please take care of yourselves first ladies. In looking after yourself you're making sure you'll be arond for a long time to look after your family, career and other interests.

let it snow!

2008-11-19T21:13:00.002-05:00

When I woke up this morning, my mother told me it was going to snow. "Are you going out today Laura?"

"Doubt it" (groggily) "Why?'"

"Well it's going to snow today. If you go out bundle up."

"What the hell! Its going to snow today? What's wrong with the weather this year?" I stared at her with accusing eyes. Like it was her fault. "Well if its going to snow, I'm definetely not going out. I don't have boots to wear."

"Fine sweetie. I just thought you should know."

"K thanks Mom. Bye. I love you"

As you can see. Today did not start on a good note. I've been dreading the snow. Last year, my boots were suede. Pretty, but not waterproof. I have a tough time finding a hat that's normal university garb, keeps my ears warm and is relatively fashionable. I also have a penchant for leather gloves. (I know, I could wear a whole cow during the winter. (sorry if I just grossed out a whole ton of vegetarian people)) Also, its way to early for snow. This is as bad as the Christmas commercials. Yes I love them, and I love that sephora and bayview village are already playing the Christmas tracks, but the real question is, am I going to be sick of Christmas by the time Christmas comes around?

I was studying in the living room when the first flakes started to fall. They were hesitant, drifting down from the cold grey sky furtively like they knew they weren't welcome. Soon it picked up. I moved on to yoga. Contorting myself and breathing hard, I watched as they started to fall down in earnest. Sometimes buffeted by a cold breeze, but more often then note they made their way to the ground softly. I had to admit it was pretty. My body was shaking from my yoga practice, so I rolled up my mat and went upstairs for a hot shower. When I came out, the world was blanketed. It's still snowing. My favourite part of a snow storm is right now. The world is absolutely peaceful. The roads and sidewalks are still pristine. The falling snow is only visible in street lights. When I look outside on a night like tonight, in spite of my cynicism I feel like the world is a good place. I feel a kind of anticipation for that time of the year when I feel that maybe, just maybe we can eradicate poverty, achieve world peace, gender parity, racial parity and cure AIDS and cancer. Just maybe.

Happy snow folks, happy snow.

Can someone please tell me why?!

2008-11-18T22:28:00.002-05:00

Actually, I already know the answer! I just don't like it. Its because, when it comes to gettin' shit done... I am my own worse enemy. It's because I don't want to fail. SO I make myself fail. I feel like I'm running in circles... How lame is that? On top of being lame, it is TIRING! And it gives me those big, mean, I-can't-believe-I-just-made-myself-sick headaches! I think I may have to bust out my therapy notebooks and do some cognitive exercises+ some yoga. I'll let y'all know!

the facts miss, nothing but the facts.

2008-11-17T12:20:00.002-05:00

Fact #1: the weather affects my mood. Let me explain the problem about November. It lacks the lustre of October, the leaves have all changed colour and fallen to the ground where they are now decomposing in to brown sludge. It rains, constantly. The rain is not the pleasant rain of spring that practically smells like things growing. It is dark cold sleet that makes me want to go back to bed or sit pensively and read Victorian dramas in front of a roaring fire place. When it's sunny out like today, the sunlight is weak and the air is worse than nippy. As a result, I don't like November. It makes me cranky. Not only is it really cold, but its too soon to get in to the holiday spirit... Santa Claus parade be damned.

Fact #2: Apparently, nothing cures my November doldrums like online window shopping. Specifically Tiffanys. I know, its incredibly materialistic and sad. But nothing brings a sparkle to my eye or a glow to my cheek like pretty trinkets in that evocative blue box. Coming in a close second is that particular brand of Holt Renfrew pink. (For those Americans out there, Holts is like the Canadiand version of Saks) But yeah, back to Tiffanys, I suggest you go to their website and start at the hearts page. If that doesn't restore your faith in romance then you may as well be a dead fish for all the feeling you've got, thats right, not a cold fish, a dead one.

A more cynical person might say: Tiffany's; helping men get laid since 18-something-or-other. I say: Tiffanys; helping people fall in luuuuuuuurve since 18-something-or-other. Now ladies, the way I see it, there has never been a better time to be single. Come Christmas, you will not have your hopes disappointed by your cheap ass boyfriend and you can take the money you would have spent on a man and buy yourself the Tiffany's what-have-you that he's to cheap to get. When my Grandpa gives me my annual check, well any other year it would go towards jewelry or clothing, and this year especially it would go towards Tiffany's but I'm afraid its going towards my Spring Break.

ciao,
back to my urban aboriginals article. The topic is not as exciting as it sounds.

monday goals

2008-11-16T22:53:00.002-05:00

I have lots of them. I mean lots. You should see my to do list, its scary. I'm going to read, tidy, do outlines write cover letters, do yoga, eat healthy and drink lots of water. And the stuff I'm reading. Let me tell you, its not light. I have to finish off my Plato (I know! Its been months) I have to read to articles on the urbanization of Aboriginals and an article on Africa. SO, if anyone has a suggestion on how to read copiously while staying awake, please let me know. I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who gets bored quickly with all of those academics who get such a kick out of showing off their vocabularies.

Also the yoga. The yoga is key. Some people don't like yoga, they get bored, they feel it isn't doing anything what have you. Find something that helps you unwind and burns calories. Thats what yoga does for me. Its the perfect exercise, and on top of that I can do it until I'm 80.

The whole eating healthy thing? I don't know why but it is so much easier when I have more time, so I'm going to work it!

yay, my first strike week where I actually have time!

I am remiss

2008-11-15T21:11:00.003-05:00

Its been a while. Well actually only a couple of days but I'm still remiss. I have a question: why would you go out on a miserable and rainy night like tonight, when you can be at home watching the Godfather. Its been an eventful couple of days. I got a filling, I got the most fantastic pair of skinny jeans ever. We're talking 150 dollar fantastic. Oh I know, totally unjustifiable right? well let me put it this way, do you know how hard it is to find skinny jeans when you have an actual ass and hips? Anyways, I found a pair and its awesome. I can't afford them, but money is in the mail people, wiping dirty faces and zipping up coats and being VERY VERY VERY enthusiastic for a whole week is going to pay off soon.

Ok well I'm not really payingattention to what Im writing, so its pretty lame.

I'll bounce back tomorrow I swear.

I just keep posting and posting and posting

2008-11-13T20:41:00.003-05:00

You know what I've realized? I've forgotten how to flirt! I don't know when it happened or why. Maybe I'm just going through a dry spell or I'm feeling more insecure, but all I know is that I used to be so quick on my feet and now I'm not. I felt shy and stupid today, and I'm starting to reminisce and I realize that I've been this way for at least a year now! I blame technology. Bring the flirt back man, bring the flirt back.

hodge podge

2008-11-12T21:13:00.003-05:00

One of my friends IMed me the other day and said every time I read your blog I love you even more... or something to that effect. Unfortunately I was having dinner and I didn't get a chance to follow up.

Anyways that is neither here nor there.

I think that this post is going to be a hodge podge. Thats where my mind is right now. Do you know how I spent my day? I spent my day with 16 four year olds. I spent my day wiping dirty faces, cuddling, carrying 8 coats and three lunch bags while children found places on my body to hold on to. I spent my day trying to think of creative ways to get the kids to walk down the hall in something close to a line... we totally killed and burried the soldiers routine and the kids don't believe that fish swim in a straight line. I read stories in expressive voices and then made up other stories. I got blood on my hands (what would my lifeguarding instructor say!!) when one of the kids had a nose bleed. I cuddled another kid for a solid hour and my cos and I got those 16 kids in and out of swim suits ON TIME. (No one wore their underwear underneath their suits this time either... BONUS) My hair is a mess, my glasses are dirty and I haven't worn makeup in days! I'm pretty short on sleep to.

Anyways, all that said! I'm off to bed. (very early)

do as I say, not as I do

2008-11-10T20:45:00.002-05:00

I'm beginning to wonder at the peversity of human nature. The next time your with a three year old, just for kicks, tell him or her for no apparent reason, not to bang their heads against the wall. If their parents walk in on this social experiment it really is a totally legit warning. Now count how many times they try to defy your orders and bang their heads against the wall. I've been thinking about this a lot. On the one hand sometimes I feel like we become the total opposite of our parents. Case in point: our parents were the hippie generation, sex, drugs and rock and roll. My generation is the new capitalism. Consumer-driven greedy kids (depressing no?). On the other hand, I feel like we become the same. For example, I didn't come by my love of tidiness randomly, oh no. Or another thing... why as some one who is the product of a perfectly functional marriage am I so pessimistic about the whole institution in general.

Anyways, I don't know why I'm writing about this. I think its to help clear up my thoughts a little bit. My mind is just a hodgepodge of all kinds of crap right now.

Long story short: I'm spending the next few days working at a day camp to earn money during the strike. Silver lining folks.

I must post before the madness ensues

2008-11-09T12:18:00.002-05:00

As soon as my mom gets home from visiting her dad things are going to get crazy! Actually I exagerate, as is my wont. But yes, my parents have volunteered to cohost a neighbourhood.... drinking party... meet and greet? I actually don't know what the occasion is, all I know is that this is not the way I envisioned spending my Sunday. It actually won't be too bad. We're in charge of the cheese. Easiest and least fun thing ever. And just to be even more cliched we are decorating the cheese platter with grapes! Grapes! I know... its out of my hands. Anywho, I'm going to be gettin' the laundry done hopefully before my mom gets home, so that she doesn't unleash the crazy. THEN I'm going to read. Yes, its now my life. I'm arguably the least productive reader I know. In fact, I often go through whole semesters without cracking open a book (that I'm supposed to read that is, a novel on the other hand...) But this year is my year of change baby! This is the year that I'm going to be different. Since I'm writing about it in cyberspace it must be true.

Ok, there is one last teensy weensy thing I would like to discuss. I think I've come up with a rewards system. My parents have always believed that good grades and a healthy lifestyl are rewards enough on their own... Yes I see where they're coming from, but I've never entirely bought it. SO, I'm going to start bribing myself. A new pair of jeans here, a rental designer bag there, an occasional manicure. But only if I've done something exceptional. For example, if I go an entire week without a stress induced headache because I've been working hard AND doing my yoga, then I have earned a... whatever, I'll need to set up an actual rewards system. I'll let y'all know how that goes. Some people need an added incentive to reinforce good behaviour and I think I'm one of them! (Or maybe I just want an excuse to buy shit)

just for fun

2008-11-08T14:19:00.003-05:00

I'm going to try and post every day. Hopefully the strike at York will allow me to do so AND catch up on all my readings.

Anyways, in case you haven't noticed, we are well in to fall. I dragged my butt out last night in spite of the rain to have supper with one of my besties. My only complaints were that supper was too short and the wine didn't have enough character for that kind of pasta.

PASTA, thats right. There is no food that I long for more in the colder months then pasta. Though I admit just about anything hot and sweet, and the occasional bowl of squash soup can give pasta a run for its money. What seems more perfect on a miserably cold and damp night then pasta drenched in a cream and wine sauce, maybe with some chicken or maybe some sea food and of course some winter vegetables tossed in as well. Accompanied by a great wine and followed up with a tarte... I'm in Heaven.

Truthfully though, there is absolutely nothing I want to do more today then bake. I was toying with the idea of shopping especially since I'm almost sure Im going out tonight and I'm equally sure that my jeans, as much as I love them are not the going out kind of jeans. They aren't dark enough and too comfy, though if we're just going to a bar what do I care. But no, today I'm going to curl up and read papers about aboriginals, China and Aristotle while eating those soft fresh from the oven melt in your mouth kind of chocolate chip cookies and I shall toy with the idea of ginger snaps and brioche.

PS I know that this is sounding a great deal like a food blog today. I confess I draw a great deal of comfort out of reading food blogs on cold wet days.

Oh Hai. I haven't been here in a while

2008-11-07T15:38:00.003-05:00

So, since the last time I wrote something amazing happened. Not to me, to humanity! I know its a very dramtic pronouncement but so long as the US is more or less the leader (something only my love for Obama could get me to admit...) who their president is hugely important. On some level they set the standard for humanity. Anyways, Obama became president and he has bridged the deep divide, or at least he has begun to lay the foundation for bridging said deep divide. This is also huge for the fearless factor people. Why? Because Obama's victory is an affirmation! Its a Yes We Can moment. Its a for the love of GOD just get over your inhibitions already because at the worst you won't succeed (McCain anyone?) but at the best you'll be the vehicle for change moment. So yeah I'm pumped.

Anyways, I'm sorry that I haven't written before. I have been persistently ignoring my work load while sort of doing some of the reading I'm supposed to do but realistically I was spending more time on sites like Jezebel and Overheard in New York. What can I say, I'm weak. Anyways right now I have a fabulous opportunity to get back on the wagon o' good work ethic because the TAs at york have conveniently gone on strike. Normally I would be less then thrilled. Yes any excuse to chill after a stressful fucking month is a welcome one but at the same time this strike is going to wind up cutting in to my Christmas break, which is very important to me.

Christmas still makes me excited like a seven year-old every year. I can't help myself. The family, the friends, the food, the presents, the music, the old christmas movies, the trees and other decorations the snow (I hope) and on top of that my cousins are kindly all having Christmas babies, which actually means that I won't be seeing them because they won't want to travel if they're about ready to pop, but I'll know that there'll be some lil bundles of joy for me to play with come Easter.

Right, anyways that was way off topic. Anyhow I think in terms of being fearless there are two things I need to foccus on, using this stress free time to catch myself up so that I'm no longer subconsciously setting myself up for failure. (BAD mind... BAD) and... just getting myself back to overall healthy Laura, take my multivitamines, go swimming do some yoga, maybe even to a strength building kind of class, the options are limitless, but since I'm on my ass all day, if I dont get out to the gym I will go crazy and my muscles will become mushier then they already are. Never a good thing I know.

I feel that in terms of my goals I'm repeating myself a lot. Its really for the reason that there are only a couple of basic principles that I need to work on in terms of the fearlessness thing. I think the most important thing I can do right now though, is take advantage of the lull in the madness and try and rearrange my perspective a little. Make things less scary by actually doing them without the pressure of a looming deadline.

Ah to be self-employed

2008-10-29T15:12:00.002-04:00

One of the things that I've learned from the blogging world is that, sometimes you can have your cake and eat it too. Yes folks, there are people who have the wonderful job of sifting through the internet and watching day time television and then reporting it back to us, the people that actually have to work/study for a living in a witty and anecdotal style. Its a dream, it really is. Right now its one of my three favourite "in the near future" dreams. Dream #1 is daring and enterprising, completely underpaid political aide. Changing the world by pissing off one high ranking civil servant twice my age at a time. Dream #2: Vagabond, world traveler, making money working odd jobs (read: nannying and teaching english) all the while documenting my experiences by blogging, journaling (on a brand new mac book) and taking copious pictures with the 1500$ nikon I would need for this dream. Dream #3: Intrepid blogger, on one internet beat after another. When I run out of material, I can write about the mediocre social life I would no doubt have or what Oprah said today and how it gives women unrealistic expectations. Dream big people, dream big.

Its hard to stay gloomy

2008-10-22T10:33:00.002-04:00

Its actually almost impossible for me to stay depressed. Some people would say that's a blessing. My mother is greatly comforted by the fact that on most weekends I can be seen going around the house and doing my chores singing (albeit off key) like I'm some kind of Disney princess. The truth is I can't help it. I live with the eternal pessimist (my father) and the eternal realist (my mother) and the eternal grump (my sister). Toss in the interchanging house students who range in personality from social recluse to debonair metrosexual and I think its clear that somebody in this family has to be all giggles and sunshine. (I can see most of my friends rolling their eyes at that last statement) but the reality is that, comparatively anyways I actually have a relatively sunny disposition.

Anyways, like I said above, some people would say that my chirpiness is a blessing. Those people clearly don't have an artistic temperment. They don't get the value added of a good sulk. The appeal of walking around the house in high dudgeon. To stand by my window and stare out in to the night sky, coldly beautiful... to lie, languishing on my bed with one melancholy tear trickling down my cheek. To write reams of mediocre poetry in my journal... Ok so I'm carried away and I've read too many old romances (not the harlequin kind, the victorian kind, where the heroine is always an enormous sap)

I guess what I'm trying to say here is... Im back folks... ish!

sad fall days

2008-10-21T09:45:00.002-04:00

the fatal combination of gloomy weather, the fact that I haven't been taking birth control for the past month (maaaad PMSing) and a potential cold brewing means that I have a bad case of the doldrums. What I really want to do is sit at home all day, nursing myself with hot tea (there's not hot chocolate... WHY God WHY) cookies, perfect slices of raisin toast with creamy salty butter melting in to its cinnamon swirl, and heaping bowls of hot pasta oozing cheese, pesto and garlic. (I haven't had breakfast yet) I crave the mellowness of soft voice women singers crooning over gentle piano melodies. I want to read my favourite blogs, start a girly novel and watch chick flicks. I genuinely need bubble baths. I cannot, under any circumstances spend too much time with people. I might get unreasonably angry with them, or start to cry. In short, I am a mess. I really should have just stayed in bed and ignored my employers when they called. But here I am, up and listening to my mellow music and eating my raisin toast. I would like to make cookies, but its not allowed. sooo saaaaaad.

out of sorts

2008-10-11T22:43:00.002-04:00

I'm more then a little miffed. This school year is definetely not working out the way I'ld envisioned it. No not at all. I'm not getting enough reading done, I'm not seeing my friends often enough, I'm not getting things done early, I don't have a job and I haven't really been staying on top of my exercising. All that said, I'm FINALLY registered for my NLS. I put it off for as long as possible but then I realized I was really going to need to make some money before Christmas. I've also been slightly better at exercising then everything else. Maybe it's an excuse to avoid work... who knows. Anyways whatever the reason, I'm glad I'm at least taking care of my health. Though, I think what's really on my mind right now is that CL posting and how I never followed through with it. I didn't want to find love or anything but in some ways I feel limited to my program etc. when it comes to meeting people. This will require some wide awake thought. I'll have to get back to y'all

Wouldn't it be lovely!

2008-10-09T19:13:00.003-04:00

I don't know why I'm feeling glum. Or should I say, I don't know why I WAS feeling glum. Perhaps its the inevitable onset of fall. Perhaps its the unavoidable state of singleness. Maybe I'm just pining for my friends, whom I haven't seen in weeks. Whatever the case may be, I'm cheering myself up with one of the few known cures of the doldrums. My Fair Lady! I love Audrey, I love Rex and I love musicals. I love the wild clothes. I love whoever is playing Eliza's dad, I even like that milksop of a boy who's in love with Eliza.

so its been a while....

2008-10-07T11:38:00.002-04:00

confession #1: Today is one of my swimming days, in fact, true story (I refuse to relinquish that saying) I should be in the pool in twenty minutes. I'm currently sitting fully dressed in my freshly tidied room reading all my favourite blogs, which, for the record is no mean feat because there are around 40 of them.

confession #2: I don't care.

confession # 3: I follow a bizarre number of food blogs considering I do the least amount of cooking around the house.

confession #4: I have a penchant for travel memoirs, especially in which the author is as obsessed with a good meal as I am.

So yeah, all of that had absolutely nothing to do with anything except perhaps an explanation for why I don't feel like doing anything today. On a side note, did you know that there are now 100 million bloggers world wide? What are they all writing about? So please excuse me while I get back to imagining how delicious these foods might be without having to act on it and avoiding studying and exercising.

Palin & Thatcher: the new domnimatrix porno

2008-09-27T22:23:00.003-04:00

I've always been fascinated by the way women polticians are portrayed in the media. They are either too weak or too cold (the female version of strong apparently). Sometimes they're portrayed as air-headed bimbos who are not serious enough to be participating in the arena of men's politics. Sarah Palin for instance is described as a cold bitch one minute and then "infantalized" by her campaign the next. Truth be told though, I would rather someone cold and calculating "thatcher-esque" in the White House then this supposed paragon the media is seeking when it comes to female politicians. Can someone please tell me exactly what it is they want anyways? Not to hard, not to soft, just right. Someone attractive naturally, couldn't have someone dowdy in office, but on the other hand, she can't look "done"... you know "freshened up" so to speak. It seems like any gaffes a woman makes in politics are not quickly forgotten, but hey, maybe thats me. The other thing is that a woman in office has become such an obsession in North America, to the point where people will vote GOP just because the running mate is a woman and regardless of platform.

Anyways, I apologize for that. It had nothing to do with anything and it was a total ramble. I will probably look back on it and wince, as I often do. On a side note, I'm questioning this blog just a tad, it seems wildly narcissistic right now which I think is ultimately a reflection of our generation and our appallingly strong self-centeredness coupled with our sense of entitlement. In short "I'm special because I've been told so since birth, and therefore the whole world should give a damn about what I say." Which in my case, is all completely true.

one last thing

2008-09-23T23:32:00.001-04:00

Just added a "following" app to the blog. Since I want to know... if you read it click on the whole become a follower thing!

Had I known this was going to be what third year was like

2008-09-23T23:15:00.002-04:00

I would have run! I would have been like, alright folks, y'all go enjoy you're bourgeois education so that you can have that middle class life with the white collar job, the 1.8 children and the picket fence, and a life of general mediocrity. I'm going to go become a feminist stripper in Shanghai. But no, I was not warned, so here I am, enjoying the highs and lows of my elitest education. Let me tell you folks, right now, I'm at a low point. It doesn't get much lower. Having thoroughly examined my work load, I can safely kiss my social life goodbye until Christmas (with a few-a very few- exceptions of course). On top of that, I seem to be blowing through my cash at a typical Laura rate, and while I don't doubt that my shiny new credit card will see me through the next few months, I would like a little more financial security... namely, a job. So all that said, I have decided to become a romantic hermit. I know several of my friends are going to be disappointed by this. They live in hope of me finding a man, so that we can double date, so that we can gossip out "the ol' ball and chain" , so that I'll stop complaining about the continuous, and often drunken presence of their various boyfriends, which naturally leads to continuous and often drunken makeout sessions. But alas ladies, thats how its got to be. I, declare in the presence of all net surfers, that I will hand in projects on time this year, they will be well done and I will continue on to next year, in spite of my better judgement and get this darned degree over with and get it done with honours!

I'm glad people bug me to do this

2008-09-18T13:44:00.002-04:00

It's not that I don't want to write, I do. After all this was my idea and no one else's but for some reason I occasionally lack the inclination to write. For example, sometimes I don't get terribly excited about blogging about my "failures"... I know, imagine that. For example, I went for a job interview the other day, to be a nanny (it goes against my feminist instincts, but what can I say? I like kids) and guess what, the people were there, but their door bell was broken and they did not answer the door no matter how much I hammered on it. In fairness, I actually had a narrow escape because they lived at Queen and Lansdowne which is, an absolutely appalling commute.

In other equally depressing news I have "failed"in a couple of other ways. Way # 1: I'm already way behind in my readings, school work etc. My due dates are looming, LOOMING I tell you. So yes, I'm going to spend today and tomorrow (I spent yesterday as well) getting myself back on track.

Thing number 2: In spite all of my resolutions to be a little healthier, I have been MAD failing at that. I haven't even been taking my vitamins which is usually a total given for me. The gym pass was just bought yesterday. Still unused, natch.

Anyways,
Pray for me people. I'm gonna get back on track again I sweear!

what have I been doing with myself... fearlessly

2008-09-11T12:24:00.002-04:00

Ok, so... I've been away for a while. Five days to be exact! Why? True story, its easier to blog obsessively about the mundane when you work in an office. (ooooh Harsh I know) What have I been up to since I'm no longer the great organizer of addresses and taker of angry constituent calls? I have been schoolin' hitting on waiters AFTER I've left (cowardly, I know) putting enticingly snarky ads about myself on craigslist (follow the link!) and fielding responses. True story, don't use craigslist unless your desperate. Lesson learned. The responses have ranged from witty, to creepy, to sad to bizarre. Example of creepy: without having seen my pic, I was offered no-strings attached sex except I would make 2000$ a week as his employee (yes I would be payrolled... I wonder if it was tax deductible). An example of the bizarre had to be one guy who responded by saying: no offense but at 5'7 and 140 you're a bit fat, don't you think its a bit strong to ask for a guy who's in good shape? Then he asked me for coffee. What a charmer. Some guys only sent pics to persuade me that way. They were admittedly way to good looking to be using craigslist. Other guys attempted humor. Some failing wildly, others making me smile, and others still making me chuckle out loud. Which was awkward when I was sitting in Vari hall at York. For example, in response to the are you in shape thing, one guy said he could throw me over his shoulder, run a mile and then collapse at the end. A good skill to have. Especially since I probably wouldn't make 200m with someone my weight over my shoulder.

Ok, so totally rambling up there. Did you notice? Are you still reading? Yay. I'm going to note a couple of things that I'm proud of right now. 1) making friends in class. Trust me, its scary. Some students are all like Ï'm her to listen to the prof"and some students just want to sit around and have a good chuckle. I'm in between. True story. So I want friends in my class. Anyways thing number 2) People are reading my blog! Often people that I don't expect. Yay Sarah (since I know you're reading this!)

Alright, so this has been barely coherent and I apologize. Its the drugs talking not me. I have a cold and I take a LOT of medicine to get through any standard bout of illness. (I know, not good) Anyways everyone, I doubt Ill be blogging again soonish because I'm leaving on Friday for my Grandpa's house, and then from there I get to see my new baby cousin! Its going to be an awesome weekend.

(PS according to blogger spell check snarky is not a word. snarky snarky snarkily snarky)

Part of me wonders why I even bother posting...

2008-09-06T16:47:00.000-04:00

...when people write things like this!http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/mis/827398580.html

guyland... the next book I want to read

2008-09-02T14:18:00.002-04:00

Ok, I'm not a fan of the non-fiction unless its about culture, society, politics, civil rights or feminism (with the occasional biography for shits and giggles). So, in spite of the fact that I'm gearing up for a full year of incredibly dense non-fiction (Ok realistically I'll still get through a novel every two weeks but whateves) the next book I want to read is a sociological exploration of the white middle-class male between 16-25 and why they are by and large such douches. The book is called guyland. "Feminism expects a man to be ethical, emotionally present, and accountable to his values in his actions with women — as well as with other men. Feminism loves men enough to expect them to act more honorably and actually believes them capable of doing so." thats a short quote from the author who happens to be a man. I know I'm going to love it.

Self-improvement projects abound!

2008-09-01T14:05:00.002-04:00

Ah how we want to be perfect. Think about how unstressful our lives would be. What do you stress about on a day to day basis? Your job, you classes, your body, your friendships, your relationships, money, your house or room, and thank God I don't have kids yet because that's just one more thing to stress about! We're not perfect and never will be. Nonetheless, perfection is what we all,subconciously struggle for. No one just "settles" so let me tell you about the rash of self-improvement projects that are going around today. There's a blog that a woman is writing to describe her experience of living life according to all things Oprah for a year in an attempt to find happiness. Another woman has written a book about her life when she spends a year following the advice in magazines (mainly the magazines that cover all the bases like Self, Glamour and Cosmo). Someone else wrote a book about when he and his wife decided to have sex every single day for a year, including how it affected their relationship, the health benifits and the fact that she got pregnant as a result (YAY) What else, Eat, Pray, Love. I haven't read it yet but its about finding self-fulfillment. There are people blogging about losing weight. There are people who blog about being good parents. The web is littered with the journeys of people who are searching for happiness, perfection, fulfillment you name it, its out there.

In the same vein, I read an article about the importance of goal lists. They provide clarity, something concrete to work towards and you can break them down in to steps. I'll make goal lists for the year and goal lists for the next 10 years (stuff to do before I'm 30). I think this will be a good exercise for me. If I can break my goals in to less scary huge things I'll be more likely to accomplish them.

It happened again

2008-08-27T14:53:00.002-04:00

A flash of clarity followed by a mini panic attack. I'm thinking of giving up TV entirely since it seems to do nothing but increase my anxiety these days. A sociologist was talking about today's youth, more specifically men, or should I say boys. More specifically he was talking about how we all had grandiose visions of our future and no idea how to get there. As a result we wind up wasting out time and futzing around in school and dead end jobs and dealing with our frustration through binge-drinking, sports watching and violent porn. Ok so those last two items may be more about the guys he was talking about and less so youth in general. You know what, he's right. So is Kanye West when he talks about the career student who stays in school to hide from the real world in his song Good Morning. (awesome song by the way) I'm writing this from my sad windowless office where I'm killing time by updating a database. This is what my life is for the two weeks until I start school again. Another year of school will go by, I will continue to maintain a mediocre GPA (actually I have some fairly high goals for myself this year but I'm being pessimistic, don't interrupt) and then once again I will be lassoed into another long, tedious, pointless office job. Oh joy. And to what end? Where is this going? What am I doing? I have a day dream that I play more or less constantly in my head these days. I see myself graduated, with pretty good marks, getting my TOEFL certificate and then taking off to Japan for a year or two. From there I'll hop around Europe either teaching English or working as an Au Pair. Occasionally I'll use the money I've managed to save and do side trips to the Middle East and Africa, maybe doing some not for profit. I want to spend somewhere between five and ten years seeing the world before I come home and get my masters in whatever. Then masters, interesting career, maybe a book or two, possibly some politics and some more not for profit tossed in to the mix. Lots of travel, lots of children and happily ever after. I really don't know how feasible or likely this is. I'm pretty sure that Kimmel, the man writing about male youth and what the Hell is wrong with them would disapprove of my lack of direction, but on the plus side he'll be glad I'm not in the work place "confusing men". (he blames feminism in part for how fucked up guys my age are these days).