I want..

The body that makes swim suit shopping fun.

I went swim suit shopping today and it was painful my friends, painful. Usually, I have pretty good body confidence. I mean, it could be better but then so could my body (see?) but come swim suit shopping I feel like a mess by the end of it. Its like I've gained 50 lbs in two hours. This feeling is pretty much universal I understand.

Anyways, long story short, I have two bikinis (3 tops) and I'm so GLAD its over.

In other news, today I kind of disappointed myself. I watched a situation unfold and I felt like I should have intervened, my parents are two upstanding people and they don't let other people get abused but I'm afraid I have chronic bystanderitis. (I believe the real term is diffusion of responsibility) Because I work in the service industry, I'm very sensitive to people abusing service providers (verbally) I really wanted to intercede, especially because it seemed like such a crazy situation, but I was also afraid of making it worse. What would you do if you saw someone screaming at the poor bus driver? I had to go see if she was ok after that, but it really wasn't good enough. I'm definitely thinking about this too much, but its what I do. I replay things in my head over and over. I'm a dweller

Anyways.

Goodnight...
Don't dwell people. Don't be like me. Move on, make more memories... don't dwell

I want...

...to leave this cold country for a time. I want to go to a place with endless beaches, warm breeze and smiling waiters. I want to go to a place where everything's brighter, and warmer. The sun, the colours, the smiles of strangers. I want to learn to surf, to snorkel through reefs, eat spicy food and drink freshly squeezed mango juice. I want to dance, let my hair bleach out and get wavy and wear jewelry made of shells that would look tacky anywhere but on a beach.

If not there then I want to go to a place where the very streets have been walked on for centuries before my country was even on a map. I want to wander through old castles and look around and enjoy the forgotten splendour of it all. I want to experience the kind of culture that is slower moving, they understand the importance of language, food and tradition in their continuity. I want to drink wine and discuss politics with the boys my age who act like they're men. I want to go to a daily market and sit on a terrace while the sun sets on some beautiful old ruin.

If not there, then I want to go to a place where to food is hotter and the colours are wilder then anyone with delicate North American sensibilities could ever imagine. I want to walk through old temples, and hike through ancient rain forests. I want to do yoga in an ashram and see where an ancient emperor used to keep his harem.

If not there, then I want to stand at the edge of a dessert. I want to walk through cities of vast wealth and vast poverty. I want to see an oasis. I want to experience a hot desert garden. I want to eat with my hands. I want to see places that westerners never go. I want to see catacombs. I want to see the oldest cities in the world, the greatest monuments to death and life.

So I think the point is, I'm bored of Canada, I'm bored of Winter. Get me out of here.

I have to go to bed early because I have a headache and so much to do tomorrow! AND I have to make myself indispensible at work to get a good reference, its getting close to end of contract time (5 more weeks people) I also have a mild headache. So, before i go to bed I thought I would go through a childhood ritual that I never had but wish I did.

Goodnight moon...

Good night stars that I can't see...

Good night messy room....

Goodnight yellow monkey on my bed...

Good night tiring thoughts in my head....

Goodnight friends who are far away....

Goodnight York, I'll see you monday...

Goodnight hat & Gloves...

Goodnight future loves....

Goodnight gym bag...

(nothing rhymes with gym bag)

Goodnight moon.

You know, with all of the wonderful children's books we had it makes me a little sad that we never had that one, I mean we had a lot of the key ones: velveteen rabbit, I'll love you forever, The Giving Tree, Grandma and the pirates and a bunch of lesser known but equally awesome books. I loved those books and they really did define my childhood, I only discovered Good Night Moon later on in life. (Yes I'm aware that that was a lame rendition of Good Night Moon and my 7 year old self is currently shaking her head at my 20 year old self but I really am tired.)

Goodnight All.

sooooooorry (puppy eyes)

It's been an embarassingly long time. In fact, the only thing that is awakening me from my blogging stupor is the Nablomopo theme for next month, it is something I will be able to blog extensively about. Ladies and gentlemen, the theme for the month of February is: WANT!



Who in North America can't blog excessively about this topic? Who isn't unsatisfied. I started thinking about it on the bus the other day, from the really basic things I want (chocolate, sleep, a seat) to the material things I want (itouch, blackberry, smaller laptop, designer duds, more money) to the completely unattainable things that I want (a rockin' bod, perfect skin, the ability to turn off the mean part of my personality) and then the wild and distant dreams that I have (novelist, world traveler, politician, intrepid do-gooder) and these are only the things I want for myself!

I want an end to world poverty, world peace, everyone to be happy, our lives to feel more simple, I want the world to want less (oooh the irony)... the list goes on my friends, the list goes on. Like I said, I can wax eloquent on this topic like no one else. After all, are we not driven by our wants? Could we not say that every single action we perform every single day is the direct result of trying to achieve something we want? Anyways, my head hurts way to much for me to philosophize any longer about this.

In case your all wondering, this whole exercise and eat right business is going okay. I mean, I just can't give up junk food cold turkey, I mean there are certain things that I would miss with a physical ache, bacon, fries, mayo, pie, chocolate, fettucini alfredo, (or really any italian food... like garlic bread) chocolate chip cookies, etc. Man if loving those things is wrong, I don't want to be right. ALSO, I have a problem, so I'm hoping that all of you people who read my blog and don't comment can help me out (I'm lookin' at you Lynne and Sarah) I need a super fantastic, wildly energetic, fun in a poppy way, with no electronika play list to exercise to! Shout out your favourites people!

byyyyyyye

He's just not that in to you

Today has been a day with nothing to do but "Try and Look Busy". Something I like to think I'm really good at but I suspect I'm fooling no one. So in an effort to do so, I've been alternating between reading through my google reader (I had to mark them all as read since every time I left the damn page it started all over again) and reading the news. Especially the political news. I'm sure my boss would be very impressed. Anyways, here's what I noticed, I've noticed that all is not well in bloggerdom. I mean, sure we're all pumped about the Obama Inauguration. I cannot wait for our weird neighbours to the South to finally have a normal, sane, rational leader. I mean Bush made Harper look like a tree-hugging lefty. (On the other hand, Bush still looks better compared to Stockwell Day) But like I said before, all is not well in bloggerdom.

I think I've found the problem. The problem is men. It makes me cringe, it makes me wince, it hurts me to see the women whose lives I like to read about, throwing themselves away on crappy guys. Last year, I read the book that is soon to be released in to a movie with tons of my favourite actresses (Scarlette Johansson... Drew Barrymore? Squeeeeeee!) and I think that its a book every woman should read.

Ok, one of my fave websites of all time because it has just the right mixture of feminism, politics, fashion, celeb juice and other fluff says you should NOT read this book. I haven'really followed the full debacle, but in some way or another it is anti-feminist or woman or maybe even the problem lies in the fact that it makes all men seem like assholes... Eitherway Jezebel hates the book but is excited for the movie, and I'm confused.

Anywho, I really really really want all bloggers with man trouble to read the friggin book! Because then they would realize, that everything they do to convince themselves that so and so is a good guy and he'll come around is just a huge waste of time. If I actually knew these people personally, well lets just say they wouldn't be doubting my stance on the matter. So, girls if you need to convince yourselves that he's going to call/ask you out/not cheat on you/marry you, then maybe he's just not that in to you and for the love of God (because God is a she, clearly) stop wasting the pretty.

my outbox

Dear Americans,

I don't understand your love for dragging out politics and turning something as simple as electing LEADERS for your parties ( and then the president) in to a big brouhaha. I know you all think that the fate of the world hangs on your next president, but hey, the world survived 8 years of Bush, so clearly not. Also you should consider the more civilized parliamentary system. With our system you can actually get rid of the leaders you don't like before their term is up. Of course I wonder if you would have had the brains to do it considering you re-elected that numskull. (I know, John Kerry wasn't as exciting but he sure would have been better for the economy) Anyways, can't wait for the inauguration to be over. Took ya long enough.

Love,
Canada
(80% of us anyways)

Dear York,
FUCK YOU

Love,
The Students.... and their parents.

Dear Fries,
Our sordid love affair has gone on for too long. You will be the death of my waistline. I think I need to go cold turkey. Is there a country that DOESN'T sell fries?

Love,
My muffin top

So I was on craigslist

And this is the Ad I want to post:

So, do you like girls with big boobs, tiny waists, clear skin and perfect hair? Sorry man, thats not me. What about girls that make sandwiches after sex and don't really like to talk about anything aside from sports and how hot other girls are? Well sorry to disappoint. If you want a girl who's super needy and yet, incredibly argumentative, I'm your girl. If you like tons of layers to bed, and unshaved legs, give me a ring. I'll probably spend lots of time trying to change you... I hope thats ok. I by contrast will be strongly, strongly resistant to even the faintest suggestion of some small way that I can be improved. I don't get my eyebrows done as often as I should. I'm the queen of procastination, and during the winter, you'ld be lucky to get me out of my bed, let alone out of the house on a date. My nail polish usually looks pretty scraggly. I get cranky when I'm not fed frequently, thats one of your resoponsibilities by the way. I love to have political arguments until I'm screaming.

Sound exciting!
Please reply.

Fearless Fridays!

Ew. Why would I ever have said, hey you know what, I want to stand on my feet for 6 hours in an unflattering swim suit, a large floppy flotation device on a hot pool deck in the hopes of preventing the accidental death of 4 year olds for a mere pittance! If I was getting paid what those city kids are getting paid, who would care. AND they get to sit in chairs. But no, I had to be a snob, I had to say I want to work for the company that's more selective with their clientel. I'm actually rolling my eyes at myself right now. I've been pretty busy lately pretending to work and pretending to not eat junk food. I've also pretended to exercise as much as I'm supposed to, but no force on earth is going to get me outside to walk for an hour on a day like today. I had a lot of observations to make today, they all sounded wonderfully witty in my head. Sometimes I catch myself thinking like I'm talking to someone or writing this blog, or perhaps even writing a novel about myself. (It wouldn't sell... trust me) I think I was going to do a fearless fridays thing, why not, let's give it a quick whirl.

1) Caesar Salad: Because I feel healthy eating it, even though I know, deep down inside it's all a sham!

2) Ri-ri: I just really like her hair...

3) The crazy guy that adressed a letter to the mayor today and signed it "The President of the United States" and then accused said mayor of flagrant sex acts and of printing lies about him in the Toronto Star.

4) My fidelity Jeans: Everyone should have a pair of fantastic jeans to wear when they're glum.

5) Spray in wax: Makes my boring hair interesting.

6) The Illinois House for FINALLY impeaching Blago. Took you guys long enough. Yeesh.

SO that pretty much concludes my involuted little rant. In case your wondering I only did walking today and I was good on the junk food score until tonight, I'm a sucker for popcorn.

Some things

I need carbs on a deep level. This goes far beyond the realms of physical hunger my friends, in fact it goes far beyond the realms of psychological hunger. I will not say I'm on a diet because that will just jinx everything, but I will say I'm going to the Dominican Republic on February 14th and I have begun my preparations. Among them I'm trying to reduce my junk food intake to almost zero and maximize my fruit and vegetable intake. This is going as well as can be expected considering the fact that I'm pretty much allergic to all fruits and vegetables in their uncooked form. I wish I was exaggerating friends, but I'm not. Here's when I know I'm done my salad: I'm not finished when I'm full, nor am I finished when the plate is empty, I'm finished when my voice is so raspy I sound like a 60 year old 1/2 pack a day smoker. (I stop plenty before I sound like a pack a day smoker) On top of this, I'm exercising. I don't use this term negligently the way I usually do to describe laps in the pool, a brisk walk or yoga whenever the mood strikes. Oh no, this is the real McCoy. I'm working out, with real exercises and everything. End of story, I'm tired, cranky and not noticeably slimmer (of course it's only been 3 days... but still) however, there is this one point in the day when all my good intentions go out the window. On Monday I succumbed to perogies, on Tuesday it was poppycock and today it was a BLT. Let me tell you, as soon as that constant gnawing that simply will not be satiated by salad was gone, I could feel wellbeing radiate from every inch of my body, it was wonderful. Long story short, I'm pretty sure I can stay on track if I can have one or two indulgences a day.

Ok in retrospect I realize that was a really boring thing to write about. I apologize, my life is in fact, pretty boring these days. Aside from waiting with bated breath to see whether or not my university and the union will in fact let me back in to class and working, and seeing some friends some of the time, there's really not all that much going on. I worry, I plan, I don't act out on my plans and then it starts again.

Finally, I'm just now coming to terms with the awesomeness that is Kindle, and slowly absorbing the fact that I don't have one. At any given day I carry about 5 books in my purse, one or two that I'm reading for fun, one serious book, and the rest are school books. On top of that, I carry like, 2 notebooks, because I don't want to be caught unprepared, an organizer that I haven't had to use and a bunch of other paraphanalia. I was thinking, kindle, plus iphone, plus super small and fast laptop with lots of battery power (AKA not the one I have now) and that would be all I need to carry. Then I stopped, sighed, and shook my head at what a sad, materialistic little person I am. But hey, at least I know!

ah Europe, here we come

I'm excited. I'm excited the way I wish I was excited about a new man in my life. In some ways this is better though. Men come and go, working in Europe with a friend is the trip of a lifetime though. It's a little premature, I'm not going to lie, but we've already begun the preliminary planning. I'll let you know as the plans unfold. I'm serious this time. Plus I have someone to go with as added incentive!

snowy afternoons in the library

I have a headache so I'm going to keep this brief. Firstly, have you read Eat, Pray, Love yet? No? Why not? Do it. It's life changing I swear. It's very carpe diem to which I like. In fact that may have to be my new motto for the year. It's pretty cliched, but things only become cliched because they were awesome in the first place.

So originally my big plan for today was... NOTHING! And I liked it that way. Usually I have stuff to do, or I feel like I should be doing something. In fact, usually I feel guilty for sitting around and doing nothing. In fact, occasionally I make it look like I'm doing something so that I can do nothing with a tranquil spirit.

However, my plan was quickly derailed. For reasons I'm not getting in to now, I wound up in a big library in tights and a red dress. No force on earth could persuade me to go outside or take the subway until I thawed a little so I started to think about some things that I want to do for myself this year. Do more yoga, decrease anxiety, manage my headaches without pills, maybe be a little more spiritual, because lets face it, we all need some spirituality. So, long story short, I have books along the lines of The secret power of yoga and What Matters; Spiritual Nourishment for mind and heart, Bikini Bootcamp, and Scarlett Pimpernell which is admittedly neither here nor there, it's just a good book. I'm also trying to get back on track with my school reading. I have no clear idea of what this is going to accomplish, just some hazy ideals, so bear with me folks.

Happy new Year

So I've been thinking about New Year's Resolutions.It's a slippery slope my friends. I think we're all familiar with the tendency of these often drunkenly thought out resolutions to fail. I mean realistically if I want my resolutions to not fail, I would have a better time if they went along the lines of:
1) study less
2) eat more junk food
3) get in to more fights with people that I love.

These are all things that I'm already pretty good at, so I'm pretty much guaranteed to succeed. Instead my resolutions tend to run along the lines of :

1) go to the gym
2) get and maintain an 80% average
3) don't spend my money on useless things and junk food
4) stand up straight
5) stop being such an irrascible bitch

However, I think we all know that life isn't like that. I was reading, a month or so ago in my fave girlie magazine... well really my favourite magazine since I don't read intellectual ones (a resolution maybe?) about the idea of making small monthly resolutions. To be frank, I like it. The people did really easy thigs too, like wear dresses for a month or do one minute of exercise daily. So maybe, I just might stand a better chance of my resolutions are one at a time and bite sized. My over all goal can be more grandiose maybe, but my steps in getting there can be smaller. Let's say "be the best you can be" as something overall, vague and pleasant sounding for now. I'll firm it up a bit later.