To Do

I've been wondering about my reluctance to, you know, actually accomplish anything right now. It's admittedly pretty bad. So I'm going to write up a to do list for the week. Including some major projects, scrubbing the floors, doing the laundry, cooking dinner and transcribing recipes in to the recipe book I got for my mom a couple of Christmases ago. I'm really disappointed in the place where I'm supposedly working, I have emailed them twice, they haven't responded, so I guess I'm looking for a job. If anyone knows a pool thats hiring lifeguards in Toronto please let me know!

yay blogs and david sedaris!

Woo-hoo! So, since monday, I have made my way through 2 books and half way through the third. The first two books were, in my opinion, pretty awesome. The first one was the awesomest, because its totally my thing. I read: The Rick Mercer Report Paperback Book! Yes! If you don't know who Rick Mercer is and you're Canadian, shame on you! I didn't say you have to like him, I said you have to know him. If you're American, he's kind of like John Stewart or Stephen Colbert except funnier. Also his humor is uniquely Canadian, so while you could youtube him I doubt you Americans would get it. You may also be a little offended by his talking to Americans segment. But before you get your patriotic panties in a twist please remember, we live beside the most arrogant and powerful nation in the world, if we didn't laugh at you we would have to find a way to kill you. The second book had its ups and downs, its called Waiter Rant, it was based on the author's blog.

Its not that he's a bad writer, its just that so many of his flaws are also my own, and he wound up waiting tables well in to his late thirties, I mean sure he got a book deal and found somthing else to do, but still, it makes me antsy.

The last one that I'm reading right now is David Sedaris's When Engulfed in Flames. At the outset I found it a little hard to get in to, which was too bad really because I have read nothing but good about this book, maybe I'm just not sophisticated enough to get it.

In other news, and this is the best news of all, I have 4 lbs of the best hand-made chocolate in Canada, if not the world, sitting in my freezer waiting to be devoured by my family on Christmas day. I'm not going to lie the suspense is killing me. To help myself along with the suspense I got some humbugs and peanut brittle from the same company. If they weren't so nicely gift-wrapped I would have already taken a chocolate or two and moved the other around to hide the hole. I got 4 boxes when I only actually need two (one for Grandpa and one for Mom, my dad thinks chocolate is a lame gift, as does my sister) so I will probably be busting one of those extra suckers in... oh... about 2 hours. Lets just say my plans for this evening involve getting hungry with a couple of my girlfriends without actually, you know, exerting ourselves.

Ok here's my last little bit. As you all know, I'm more or less perpetually single, probably because I think I'm the shit, though maybe not, it seems to work for men. Anyhow, in spite of my single status, people ask me for advice. I'm lucky that thus far it hasn't actually led anyone astray. But this is what I'm hearing a lot of: "Oh my GOD Laura, you've got to help me, I have no idea what the fuck to get for______ (fill in the blank.)" This question is usually from, the newbies if you will. The people that have been together for under a year. They're conflicted, many of them would like to buy something super-extravagent as the ultimate statement of love, but alas we are all students. The other thing I'm hearing (from the guys) is a way more cautious approach. It seems like a lot of men don't want to set the bar too high. Jewelry, (as in the good stuff not the crap from ardenes, or even the slightly more upper-scale gold or silver PLATED jewelry) is totally out of the question in their minds, since its clearly setting the bar pretty damn high. Ok I see where you're coming from, but just to clarify, if you buy a girl jewelry she is not going to expect it for every single occasion from now until when you guys break-up... I swear!

However, I think I have a solution that will satisfy both my sentamentalists and my under-achievers. A gift that shows you care. Now I see people scratching their heads, what does that MEAN Laura, and here we arrive at one of the fundamental differences between men and women. Women like stuff they can't use but that makes them feel special, hence the appeal of jewelry, men like stuff they can use. So for the caring stuff, for girls I can see a bunch of insanely cute gifts given over a date: A nice mug w/ hot chocolate mix + a small bottle of bath bubbles, a gift card for a manicure at her fave place (usually around 20$ guys), something small for her pet or child if she has one, and of course something that says: I get you, a DVD that suits her, a mixed cd of all of "your songs" + ones you'll know she'll love a vintage pair of earings like the ones Audrey Hepburn wears in THAT scene of THAT movie that she loves. I know that this is really detailed stuff, but a gift should never be totally generic, polish it off with a great note or card and you're in business.

Ladies, shopping for a guy can be difficult. It's really tempting to just get him nice clothes that he'll never wear or some lingerie for you to wear (a double present really) it's also tempting to get him something really sentimental, like a scrap book of all the special moments you shared... which he may look at once but will wind up in the bottom of his closet for safe keeping. Now the clothing idea isn't half bad actually, (see above about guys liking practical gifts) but I suggest practical AND fun, or sometimes just fun. Tickets to a hockey game, a year long subscription to a beer of the month club, barbecuing accessories... a new golf club... a super awesome home-cooked meal. Once again, find a way to make it personal. Oh! I know, a manly cook book (Gordon Ramsey is manly, Nigella is so awesome men can't handle her) a cook book is a gift that keeps on giving. Actually I think books are awesome presents, but I make this suggestion with some trepidation, remembering my time in highschool where during "reading period" the guys would scramble for the sports section of the newspaper because they quite simply, did not read.

things...

Well, I had a headache today. Advil did squat. I don't waste time with tylenol. The only thing that actually helped was... surprisingly a stiff drink. My headaches was the product of two things, my bad posture and a serious amount of tension. You know its bad when you can feel knots under your scalp. (Its not something people usually think about, but your head is covered in a thin web of muscle which... you know... keeps your head from falling off your neck). But yeah, that pretty much shot my day. I still went to TFS to play with the babies (lunch time supervisor en francais) and I made an attempt to study, but I didn't go swimming the way I wanted to, nor did I get my flu shot.

There's another project that I had set up for today. It's a small thing, but it's one of those feel-good things. Last night, I was thinking about postsecret which is an absolutely fabulous blog to read. Anyhow, I love how people sometimes leave secrets in the books (the postsecret books) rather then send them in to that dude. The blog has a bunch of other little initiatives like that. So, I decided to do my own little take on things, I wrote up 10 one sentence anonymous notes to put in books in Chapters and the library today. But my headache held me back... LAME I know.

I'm also seriously thinking of starting a love advice blog. No I'm not kidding. Yes I know that I'm also single, perpetually, usually by choice tho sometimes not. Anyhow, I'm starting to notice that having a vagina has automatically made me qualified in How Women Think. I have answered questions like: how do you know when a girl likes you? What should you get a new girlfriend for christmas? Does she like it when I do THAT? I know which of my guy friends are vanilla about sex, I know which ones think threesomes involve "lots of waiting for the other chick" and I know which ones think that sniffing their laundry is an acceptable way to tell which ones are clean. Anyhow, I think that some guys need a place to ask what they're too embarrassed to ask their mothers. But then, lets face it Im not actually terribly relationship qualified. I can always poll my friends though!

Christmas is coming!

So in case you didn't know, York is on strike and I'm overwhelmed with free time. (Actually I still have a ton of work to do, but my life is lacking in structure right now) So I've been spending a great deal of my free time thinking about what to get people for Christmas. For one brief moment of madness I wanted to get everyone something from Tiffany's and spend the next year and a half trying to pay down my credit card debt, but the moment has passed and I realize that I'm not quite at the Tiffany's place in my life right now. (I know, I'm obsessed, shaddup) So I'm kind of toying with the notion of getting everyone MY favourite things, namely books and chocolate. Think about it, nothing says Christmas like candy (baby Jesus who?) and a good book is the gift that just keeps on giving. Just to keep people from thinking I'm totally boring and unoriginal I'm going to have to mix it up a little, some jewelry here, some the Body Shop there, you know, that kind of thing. But in all seriousness, I think I've hit upon the perfect combination for the people I really love, since most of them have literary tendancies anyways.

Anywhoodle, the other thing I'm thinking about, the thing that's really bugging me is how am I going to bring structure back in to my life. How do housewives do it I wonder? I know that I have tasks to do, but there's nothing to make me do it. Nothing would make me happier right now then finding a cure for my apathy. I would love to go for a swim or a brisk walk. I would love to be fascinated by the evolving purpose of the British government, but the reality is, this just doesn't seem to be happening right now. So what is a girl to do? Lets give it an hour, in an hour I'm going to get up from the couch, put on nicer clothes and go see the YMCA about a one month gym membership so that I don't have to cross the picket line, and I'll bring a swim suit with me, then I'll head over to the public library at bayview village and do some reading there, after that I will reward my lack of apathy with a browse through chapters! yay! (Plus I'll do some Xmas shopping while Im there!) then I'll walk home, do some tidying and maybe look up some recipes I can cook this week.

Yes! I write about my unproductiveness and suddenly I'm productive! Love it.

a new job!

A new year, A new job! How exciting. I know, neither have started yet, but its what I have to look forward to. That's right folks, I have landed another AA job for a politician. This is super exciting. By AA I mean admin assistant FYI. I've had this kind of job before, it can be dull. It kind of depends on your employer. However, working for a politician has its perks, my personal favourite is lots and lots of phone calls. This might not seem like a good thing to most people but it is. For two reasons: 1# it breaks the monotony. The complaints are varied, they come in different styles, from the polite "we thought you should know our garbage hasn't been picked up in 6 weeks" to the hysterical "our neighbour's boyfriend is parked ILLEGALLY for the second fucking time in a row! If you do not fix this problem immediately I will make SURE that the mayor knows! No I will not fucking speak to the boyfriend first you asshole, I want the person elected to represent me who is being paid by my fucking tax dollars to fix the problem." So, yes, ahem, phone calls do indeed break the monotony. Reason # 2 is perhaps my perversity. Yes I am a cynic, I am a cynic about love, sometimes about human nature, I'm definitely a cynic about bankers; stock brokers and the market in general, but for some strange reason I still see politics as the ultimate higher calling. Usually the people who become politicians could be making more, it would be easier for them to work their way steadily up the corporate or legal ladder (or whatever) but instead they choose the tiring, arduous task of being a politician. Why? Well, sometimes its exciting. Its often thought provoking. A few noble souls feel that it is the best way to give back to their country/province/city, and lots of people see it as one big game. I know that doesn't sound terribly reassuring. Both sides are in it to win, but where does that leave the voters? To me, the most exciting thing about it all is that politics is the ultimate agent of change. If you have an Obama-esque vision, really the only way to bring it about is through politics!

Channelling strength

I was originally going to bitch about a few things that happened this weekend that really pissed me off. But then i decided there is something better to write about, strength.

Today my mom went through her jewelry, she tidied it and sorted it, she got rid of some things and gave me a few things. She lent me a few bangles and a Coco Chanel-esque string of pearls (fake darlings, she's nice but she's not THAT nice). Anyways, tidying her jewelry is no mean feat, she has two jewelry boxes and three drawers full of the stuff. I love going through her stuff. There's so much history. Her most prized possessions are not neccessarily the most valuable ones, the valuable ones were usually pieces she bought when she was single and therefore a wealthy woman. Her most prized pieces are the ones that belonged to her mother.

I'm wearing one of my mom's rings right now and I'm thinking about why heirlooms are so important to people. It reminds me of her, and it reminds me of her strength. She is one of those people who never let circumstances bring her down. I hope I can be that strong someday.

fearless shows yay!

Ok this is something that the Women's network seems to specialize in and I love it. Shows like How to Look Good Naked and What not to Wear make the women in the show feel good and thus me by proxy. Of course, it means I have to put up with awkward vagisil commercials and board game commercials (signs of the recession 101) but seriously these shows are awesome. They specialize in body confidence in a short period of time. Sometimes it doesn't work, once I saw a skinny girl on What Not To Wear who was having trouble with clothes because she felt "top-heavy" the women was probably 120 pounds with a b-cup, so she clearly had other issues at work. However, these shows are great for women with "general" low self-esteem. Lets face it, no one is perfect and we have RIDICULOUS body pressures on us that are created in part by society and the media etc. These shows kind of counter that. The group of women that they help the most are those that seem to have given up, They wear drab shapeless clothes, and they wear their hair long and tied up like the member of some strict sectarian religion. They wear little makeup, don't deal with their eyebrows and oh My GOD I could go on. (If you've seen me lately you're saying Laura you are a fucking hypocrite you're eyebrows are a mess) To me, the most painful part of this is the fact that SOOOOOOO many of these women are MOMS.

Does this mean, when I'm a mom I'm going to stop wearing nice clothes? I doubt it, my mother gets her hair done regularly, has immaculate makeup and knows the importance of a good suit. I think a huge part of that, is the fact that she has a life outside of her family. Its true, in my recent recollection I have seen at least 4 women on this show who, in spite of their jobs say that they are a mom first so it doesn' matter what they look like. I kinda feel bad for their husbands, but I feel worse for them. You have a child so suddenly you don't have any value beyond that child? Wake up ladies, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of another human.

Actually, that's one of the areas about my mom that does frustrate me. I wish she would go to the gym more. It has nothing to do with her weight. The woman has blood pressure problems, a whole slew of immune system problems, and she's getting to an age where she should be thinking about bone density and muscle mass. But no, she puts her career and family first, not her health.

Please, please take care of yourselves first ladies. In looking after yourself you're making sure you'll be arond for a long time to look after your family, career and other interests.

let it snow!

When I woke up this morning, my mother told me it was going to snow. "Are you going out today Laura?"

"Doubt it" (groggily) "Why?'"

"Well it's going to snow today. If you go out bundle up."

"What the hell! Its going to snow today? What's wrong with the weather this year?" I stared at her with accusing eyes. Like it was her fault. "Well if its going to snow, I'm definetely not going out. I don't have boots to wear."

"Fine sweetie. I just thought you should know."

"K thanks Mom. Bye. I love you"

As you can see. Today did not start on a good note. I've been dreading the snow. Last year, my boots were suede. Pretty, but not waterproof. I have a tough time finding a hat that's normal university garb, keeps my ears warm and is relatively fashionable. I also have a penchant for leather gloves. (I know, I could wear a whole cow during the winter. (sorry if I just grossed out a whole ton of vegetarian people)) Also, its way to early for snow. This is as bad as the Christmas commercials. Yes I love them, and I love that sephora and bayview village are already playing the Christmas tracks, but the real question is, am I going to be sick of Christmas by the time Christmas comes around?

I was studying in the living room when the first flakes started to fall. They were hesitant, drifting down from the cold grey sky furtively like they knew they weren't welcome. Soon it picked up. I moved on to yoga. Contorting myself and breathing hard, I watched as they started to fall down in earnest. Sometimes buffeted by a cold breeze, but more often then note they made their way to the ground softly. I had to admit it was pretty. My body was shaking from my yoga practice, so I rolled up my mat and went upstairs for a hot shower. When I came out, the world was blanketed. It's still snowing. My favourite part of a snow storm is right now. The world is absolutely peaceful. The roads and sidewalks are still pristine. The falling snow is only visible in street lights. When I look outside on a night like tonight, in spite of my cynicism I feel like the world is a good place. I feel a kind of anticipation for that time of the year when I feel that maybe, just maybe we can eradicate poverty, achieve world peace, gender parity, racial parity and cure AIDS and cancer. Just maybe.

Happy snow folks, happy snow.

Can someone please tell me why?!

Actually, I already know the answer! I just don't like it. Its because, when it comes to gettin' shit done... I am my own worse enemy. It's because I don't want to fail. SO I make myself fail. I feel like I'm running in circles... How lame is that? On top of being lame, it is TIRING! And it gives me those big, mean, I-can't-believe-I-just-made-myself-sick headaches! I think I may have to bust out my therapy notebooks and do some cognitive exercises+ some yoga. I'll let y'all know!

the facts miss, nothing but the facts.

Fact #1: the weather affects my mood. Let me explain the problem about November. It lacks the lustre of October, the leaves have all changed colour and fallen to the ground where they are now decomposing in to brown sludge. It rains, constantly. The rain is not the pleasant rain of spring that practically smells like things growing. It is dark cold sleet that makes me want to go back to bed or sit pensively and read Victorian dramas in front of a roaring fire place. When it's sunny out like today, the sunlight is weak and the air is worse than nippy. As a result, I don't like November. It makes me cranky. Not only is it really cold, but its too soon to get in to the holiday spirit... Santa Claus parade be damned.

Fact #2: Apparently, nothing cures my November doldrums like online window shopping. Specifically Tiffanys. I know, its incredibly materialistic and sad. But nothing brings a sparkle to my eye or a glow to my cheek like pretty trinkets in that evocative blue box. Coming in a close second is that particular brand of Holt Renfrew pink. (For those Americans out there, Holts is like the Canadiand version of Saks) But yeah, back to Tiffanys, I suggest you go to their website and start at the hearts page. If that doesn't restore your faith in romance then you may as well be a dead fish for all the feeling you've got, thats right, not a cold fish, a dead one.

A more cynical person might say: Tiffany's; helping men get laid since 18-something-or-other. I say: Tiffanys; helping people fall in luuuuuuuurve since 18-something-or-other. Now ladies, the way I see it, there has never been a better time to be single. Come Christmas, you will not have your hopes disappointed by your cheap ass boyfriend and you can take the money you would have spent on a man and buy yourself the Tiffany's what-have-you that he's to cheap to get. When my Grandpa gives me my annual check, well any other year it would go towards jewelry or clothing, and this year especially it would go towards Tiffany's but I'm afraid its going towards my Spring Break.

ciao,
back to my urban aboriginals article. The topic is not as exciting as it sounds.

monday goals

I have lots of them. I mean lots. You should see my to do list, its scary. I'm going to read, tidy, do outlines write cover letters, do yoga, eat healthy and drink lots of water. And the stuff I'm reading. Let me tell you, its not light. I have to finish off my Plato (I know! Its been months) I have to read to articles on the urbanization of Aboriginals and an article on Africa. SO, if anyone has a suggestion on how to read copiously while staying awake, please let me know. I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who gets bored quickly with all of those academics who get such a kick out of showing off their vocabularies.

Also the yoga. The yoga is key. Some people don't like yoga, they get bored, they feel it isn't doing anything what have you. Find something that helps you unwind and burns calories. Thats what yoga does for me. Its the perfect exercise, and on top of that I can do it until I'm 80.

The whole eating healthy thing? I don't know why but it is so much easier when I have more time, so I'm going to work it!

yay, my first strike week where I actually have time!

I am remiss

Its been a while. Well actually only a couple of days but I'm still remiss. I have a question: why would you go out on a miserable and rainy night like tonight, when you can be at home watching the Godfather. Its been an eventful couple of days. I got a filling, I got the most fantastic pair of skinny jeans ever. We're talking 150 dollar fantastic. Oh I know, totally unjustifiable right? well let me put it this way, do you know how hard it is to find skinny jeans when you have an actual ass and hips? Anyways, I found a pair and its awesome. I can't afford them, but money is in the mail people, wiping dirty faces and zipping up coats and being VERY VERY VERY enthusiastic for a whole week is going to pay off soon.

Ok well I'm not really payingattention to what Im writing, so its pretty lame.

I'll bounce back tomorrow I swear.

I just keep posting and posting and posting

You know what I've realized? I've forgotten how to flirt! I don't know when it happened or why. Maybe I'm just going through a dry spell or I'm feeling more insecure, but all I know is that I used to be so quick on my feet and now I'm not. I felt shy and stupid today, and I'm starting to reminisce and I realize that I've been this way for at least a year now! I blame technology. Bring the flirt back man, bring the flirt back.

hodge podge

One of my friends IMed me the other day and said every time I read your blog I love you even more... or something to that effect. Unfortunately I was having dinner and I didn't get a chance to follow up.

Anyways that is neither here nor there.

I think that this post is going to be a hodge podge. Thats where my mind is right now. Do you know how I spent my day? I spent my day with 16 four year olds. I spent my day wiping dirty faces, cuddling, carrying 8 coats and three lunch bags while children found places on my body to hold on to. I spent my day trying to think of creative ways to get the kids to walk down the hall in something close to a line... we totally killed and burried the soldiers routine and the kids don't believe that fish swim in a straight line. I read stories in expressive voices and then made up other stories. I got blood on my hands (what would my lifeguarding instructor say!!) when one of the kids had a nose bleed. I cuddled another kid for a solid hour and my cos and I got those 16 kids in and out of swim suits ON TIME. (No one wore their underwear underneath their suits this time either... BONUS) My hair is a mess, my glasses are dirty and I haven't worn makeup in days! I'm pretty short on sleep to.

Anyways, all that said! I'm off to bed. (very early)

do as I say, not as I do

I'm beginning to wonder at the peversity of human nature. The next time your with a three year old, just for kicks, tell him or her for no apparent reason, not to bang their heads against the wall. If their parents walk in on this social experiment it really is a totally legit warning. Now count how many times they try to defy your orders and bang their heads against the wall. I've been thinking about this a lot. On the one hand sometimes I feel like we become the total opposite of our parents. Case in point: our parents were the hippie generation, sex, drugs and rock and roll. My generation is the new capitalism. Consumer-driven greedy kids (depressing no?). On the other hand, I feel like we become the same. For example, I didn't come by my love of tidiness randomly, oh no. Or another thing... why as some one who is the product of a perfectly functional marriage am I so pessimistic about the whole institution in general.

Anyways, I don't know why I'm writing about this. I think its to help clear up my thoughts a little bit. My mind is just a hodgepodge of all kinds of crap right now.

Long story short: I'm spending the next few days working at a day camp to earn money during the strike. Silver lining folks.

I must post before the madness ensues

As soon as my mom gets home from visiting her dad things are going to get crazy! Actually I exagerate, as is my wont. But yes, my parents have volunteered to cohost a neighbourhood.... drinking party... meet and greet? I actually don't know what the occasion is, all I know is that this is not the way I envisioned spending my Sunday. It actually won't be too bad. We're in charge of the cheese. Easiest and least fun thing ever. And just to be even more cliched we are decorating the cheese platter with grapes! Grapes! I know... its out of my hands. Anywho, I'm going to be gettin' the laundry done hopefully before my mom gets home, so that she doesn't unleash the crazy. THEN I'm going to read. Yes, its now my life. I'm arguably the least productive reader I know. In fact, I often go through whole semesters without cracking open a book (that I'm supposed to read that is, a novel on the other hand...) But this year is my year of change baby! This is the year that I'm going to be different. Since I'm writing about it in cyberspace it must be true.

Ok, there is one last teensy weensy thing I would like to discuss. I think I've come up with a rewards system. My parents have always believed that good grades and a healthy lifestyl are rewards enough on their own... Yes I see where they're coming from, but I've never entirely bought it. SO, I'm going to start bribing myself. A new pair of jeans here, a rental designer bag there, an occasional manicure. But only if I've done something exceptional. For example, if I go an entire week without a stress induced headache because I've been working hard AND doing my yoga, then I have earned a... whatever, I'll need to set up an actual rewards system. I'll let y'all know how that goes. Some people need an added incentive to reinforce good behaviour and I think I'm one of them! (Or maybe I just want an excuse to buy shit)

just for fun

I'm going to try and post every day. Hopefully the strike at York will allow me to do so AND catch up on all my readings.

Anyways, in case you haven't noticed, we are well in to fall. I dragged my butt out last night in spite of the rain to have supper with one of my besties. My only complaints were that supper was too short and the wine didn't have enough character for that kind of pasta.

PASTA, thats right. There is no food that I long for more in the colder months then pasta. Though I admit just about anything hot and sweet, and the occasional bowl of squash soup can give pasta a run for its money. What seems more perfect on a miserably cold and damp night then pasta drenched in a cream and wine sauce, maybe with some chicken or maybe some sea food and of course some winter vegetables tossed in as well. Accompanied by a great wine and followed up with a tarte... I'm in Heaven.

Truthfully though, there is absolutely nothing I want to do more today then bake. I was toying with the idea of shopping especially since I'm almost sure Im going out tonight and I'm equally sure that my jeans, as much as I love them are not the going out kind of jeans. They aren't dark enough and too comfy, though if we're just going to a bar what do I care. But no, today I'm going to curl up and read papers about aboriginals, China and Aristotle while eating those soft fresh from the oven melt in your mouth kind of chocolate chip cookies and I shall toy with the idea of ginger snaps and brioche.

PS I know that this is sounding a great deal like a food blog today. I confess I draw a great deal of comfort out of reading food blogs on cold wet days.

Oh Hai. I haven't been here in a while

So, since the last time I wrote something amazing happened. Not to me, to humanity! I know its a very dramtic pronouncement but so long as the US is more or less the leader (something only my love for Obama could get me to admit...) who their president is hugely important. On some level they set the standard for humanity. Anyways, Obama became president and he has bridged the deep divide, or at least he has begun to lay the foundation for bridging said deep divide. This is also huge for the fearless factor people. Why? Because Obama's victory is an affirmation! Its a Yes We Can moment. Its a for the love of GOD just get over your inhibitions already because at the worst you won't succeed (McCain anyone?) but at the best you'll be the vehicle for change moment. So yeah I'm pumped.

Anyways, I'm sorry that I haven't written before. I have been persistently ignoring my work load while sort of doing some of the reading I'm supposed to do but realistically I was spending more time on sites like Jezebel and Overheard in New York. What can I say, I'm weak. Anyways right now I have a fabulous opportunity to get back on the wagon o' good work ethic because the TAs at york have conveniently gone on strike. Normally I would be less then thrilled. Yes any excuse to chill after a stressful fucking month is a welcome one but at the same time this strike is going to wind up cutting in to my Christmas break, which is very important to me.

Christmas still makes me excited like a seven year-old every year. I can't help myself. The family, the friends, the food, the presents, the music, the old christmas movies, the trees and other decorations the snow (I hope) and on top of that my cousins are kindly all having Christmas babies, which actually means that I won't be seeing them because they won't want to travel if they're about ready to pop, but I'll know that there'll be some lil bundles of joy for me to play with come Easter.

Right, anyways that was way off topic. Anyhow I think in terms of being fearless there are two things I need to foccus on, using this stress free time to catch myself up so that I'm no longer subconsciously setting myself up for failure. (BAD mind... BAD) and... just getting myself back to overall healthy Laura, take my multivitamines, go swimming do some yoga, maybe even to a strength building kind of class, the options are limitless, but since I'm on my ass all day, if I dont get out to the gym I will go crazy and my muscles will become mushier then they already are. Never a good thing I know.

I feel that in terms of my goals I'm repeating myself a lot. Its really for the reason that there are only a couple of basic principles that I need to work on in terms of the fearlessness thing. I think the most important thing I can do right now though, is take advantage of the lull in the madness and try and rearrange my perspective a little. Make things less scary by actually doing them without the pressure of a looming deadline.