Bikram vs Laura

Conventional yoga wisdom says that if there is a pose or posture that you ABSOLUTELY detest, you should do it more often. Case in point, in your standard vinyasa (flow) practice you could do downward dog anywhere from 10-20 times. Most people hate their first downward dog of the day, it strains their wrists (which are stiff from typing and writing) it stretches your hamstrings uncomfortably (as they are used to sitting), it makes your arms and shoulders burn until you adjust to put more weight into your legs. The second downward dog however, feels a little easier, on top of that, it stretches your back wonderfully. You may take advantage of your second one to work your legs up and down to help loosen up your hamstrings, or maybe you'll wiggle your hips side to side to relax the tension in your lower back and enjoy as each inhale expands your ribs. By the time you do your last downward dog of the day I swear you will feel as though your vertebrae have all been stretched out a couple of millimeters and any tension in your back is gone. You love downward dog, you can't remember not loving it, but you did. The whole process will start again next class.

So, like I said, conventional yoga wisdom dictates that the poses you hate are the ones you should be doing, but what about styles of yoga? Should you do the one that you hate the most? On Sunday I blithely signed up for 10 days of unlimited bikram yoga at the studio near my house. I figured the heat (bikram is done at 40 degrees Celsius) would be nice, it would help with my flexibility and clear up my skin. I knew that they only did 26 poses over a 90 minute class so I figured it would help me work on my fundamentals.

I have only done two classes and already I hate it.

Firstly, I have learned that I'm not really a heat kind of person, I seem to be all about more temperate climes. I do not enjoy the sensation of sweat dripping down my face and body in tiny rivulets. I do not enjoy the sight of my beet red gasping face in the mirror. Gone is the elegance of yoga, gone is a half lotus pose or an upward dog (they don't do any of the "dogs" in bikram) of which I could be proud. Instead I was surrounded by thinner darkly complected women who's faces flushed prettily and who could hold the poses astoundingly well even though their limbs (like mine) were slicked with sweat.

I also did not enjoy the near constant feeling of nausea that lasted the duration of the practice. These days, in my other yoga classes, I don't have to go down into child's pose (or recovery pose) unless our instructor tells us to. In bikram I felt as though I could happily spend most of the practice lying on the ground, trying to breath that thick, hot uncomfortable air.

In terms of flexibility, it certainly made me more flexible but at what a price. I am so sore today lifting a laptop strains my forearms and climbing a flight of stairs virtually sucks my energy away.

Of course, when I'm not struggling I'm kind of bored with the lack of variety in the postures as well.

So the question is, if I hate it should I keep it up? Is it worth the misery?

The Pursuit of Happiness

Before I made the suggestion of a year long project based on self-help books, I naively thought that it would be encompassing a much smaller field. But no. It is huge, there is self-help in the kitchen, self-help (swimming) stroke improvement, self-help self hypnosis. The list is quite long. So yeah, what kind of self-help do I need? And also what makes these people experts? What is the qualification? As far as I can tell its living a good life.

It's interesting though isn't it? It's been enshrined in the American Declaration of Independence (I think, I'm nothing if not wilfully indifferent to everything grand and wonderful about American politics so please don't quote me) that the pursuit of happiness was a fundamental right. In fairness since this was heavily inspired by Locke who was a raging libertarian capitalist if I ever saw one, the pursuit of happiness was probably tied into the accumulation of wealth (not much has changed eh?)

So yes, this is how we work in North America, we go to therapists, we read self-help (or magazines which are kind of mini, much more shallow self-help books), we take up yoga and we try and find a job that we don't absolutely detest.

Well that was depressing...

So yeah, anyway I'm pretty sure happiness for me lies some place in France, some place with good food, darkly good looking men, amazing wine and picturesque bicycle rides through the countryside while I look adorably bohemian in torn jeans comfy sandals and some kind of stripey, vaguely french t-shirt. Or maybe happiness for me is in a bakery, eating croissants and sipping a creme. Either way I know it's there, not here. So let's make the best of a situation, of the difficulty of being born on the wrong continent let alone the wrong country and see what people who are much older, wiser and in the possession of more degrees then me have to say about improving my life.

Self-help

My goodness, what an evocative term. It is a word that is just full of potential. It's up there with "Home-made chocolate". "Naked Male Models" and world peace. I went to my happy place today (well one of them anyway) I went to the book store. Now, I love looking at the new and hot fiction, I love looking at the cook-books, I love looking at the snazzy stationary that I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BUY UNTIL I USE ALL MY OTHER NOTEBOOKS, NOT EVEN IF ITS SUPER PRETTY.

Whew.

I also, (I confess) have a weakness for the self-help section. Why? Who knows, I'm sure its connected with my deep-lying perfecionist tendancies which are my main barriers against success and happiness. I'm sure it also has something to do with my love of books and my general admiration for the Published. My admiration is child-like and naive considering how many truly shitty books there are out there, nonetheless I continue to assume that if someone is smart enough to write a book they absolutely must be smart enough to fix my life and all my stupid little anxieties and woes which, when added up are nearly crippling and are certainly suffocating (at times anyway).

So... I had an idea. There are quite a few famous blog projects out there (and quite a few obscure ones I'm sure) Living Oprah comes to mind, the premise being that the author spent an entire year following Oprah's advice on everyone of her shows. She did this I think mainly to hold Oprah accountable for her frequent contradictions and her encouragement of rampant counsumerism amongst her housewife devotees. Another one had to do with following magazine advice I believe, and the most famous of all has a movie based on it (Julie & Julia). So, here's my wild and weird and abstract thought. I am a rampant perfectionist who is absolutely immobilized by stupid little fears, if anyone could benifit from self-help it's me. The theory being that my problems are not so grave so as to require psychiatric help (though I do enjoy making use of the school's counselling centre occasionally) but nor are they so minimal that I can ignore them. In my own wildly biased and unprofessional assessment of myself, I think I am the perfect candidate. So what I'm thinking is 26 books over the course of a year (1 every 2 weeks) follow their advice to a T and hope for the best!

So, I need to decide a couple of things:

• How do I select the books? Alphabetically? At random? As around and see what other people have used?
• What constitutes as self-help? Is it purely psychological? What about "lifestyle" books that incorporate health and wellness as well?
• What about relationship and love advice? Or should it be purely me?

So what do you guys think? Fun project no? PLEASE let me know your thoughts (I've noticed a distinct lack of commenting going on these days, way too much lurking folks.)

Anyway, let me know loves!

De-junking

Ok.. I have a confession to make. Are you ready? (deep breath) I Laura Scrivener, am a hoarder. Ok. I feel better now. Let me explain a little. It's not as bad as it sounds. I will not be on a reality tv show any time soon. It's not like you can't move through my room because it is full of mountains of crap that have cockroaches, mice, the occasional squirrel and maybe the odd squatter living under them. No, my problem is not nearly that bad. In fact, I think my problem stems from idealism or romanticism if you will. Take a notebook for example. A brand new, notebook with a pretty picture on the cover, maybe it's a picture of Ganesh a Hindu god with an elephant for a head. Or perhaps its a picture with a fairy on the cover, with a misty ship sailing to the moon, and nymphs frolicking in a pond. Or perhaps it is a plain leather bound "serious" looking notebook. It doesn't matter what kind it is because I can pretty much guarantee that I will love it. I love page one. I love the newness of it. Here is a notebook ripe with potential. I could pen a best-selling novel, write an awe-inspiring speech, plan out a business idea, sketch out witty little thoughts, write a poem, take down my favourite quotes from a book, scribble down future Mr. Fearless's number, the possibilities are endless.

Bags are another favourite. A bag as far as I'm concerned is an excellent friend. A bag will never make you look fat. A bag, can hold your life. A bag will still love you no matter what you spill in it. A bag, in short is the perfect, nay, the ultimate accessory. However, there is no denying the fact that I have too many. The problem lies in the fact that I have three go-to bags that I use ALL the time, and the rest are lucky if they ever see the light of day, I mean, why mess with perfection?

Ok, so I've justified my bad behaviour for you guys, very unconvincingly I'm sure. But, I have decided to solve it. Everything that I have too much of and am not currently using will be gone by the new year. I have decided to have a get rid of all the crap in my life party. A radical notion I know. Actually I believe if it is commonly referred to as a garage sale. The catch is that I won't be charging. Nope it'll be a good old swapping party but without the swapping, more giving. I couldn't be more excited!

I thought I was finished..

I stopped writing because I though I had said everything I needed to say. I'm sort of at a stalemate. My job is wonderfully predicable and meaningless. I hate writing papers and reading reviews as I don't see anything earth shattering in writing about a preassigned topic. I snap at my parents and my sister. I desperately want to smack the lady in yoga who moans every time we do a particularly effective stretch. My eczema is driving me up the wall. I'm finding far too much solace in McDonalds. I dyed my hair brown just to escape the monotony of it all.

To make matters worse, everything I learn depresses me these days. Political science used to excite me. I loved the intricacies of power. I believed with absolute certainty in democracy, government regulated capitalism, a welfare state, and all those other good Canadian values, but now I'm not so sure. I get lots of questions, we discuss almost constantly the way the government's gone wrong the bad things Western states have done to the rest of the world. It's wildly depressing because, no matter how often we discuss what went wrong, we have yet o discuss what the answer is.

Maybe I'm not finished. Maybe I still have more questions to answer, I definitely have a rut to climb out of. Wish me luck!

I'll let you know.

shout out

I would like to take a moment to shout out to a fellow (totally awesome) Canadian. His name is Chuck Hughes and he is a chef (excuse me, cook) in Montreal. I have yet to eat at his restaurant but I LOVE his show. His cooking style seems to be the getting back to basics, unpretentious (with a few suprising twists) style that is just so in today. You don't have to dress up to eat there but you know you're going to be fed something pretty special. On top of that, the guy is totally smokin'. If you haven't heard of him I emplore you, check out his show, you won't be sorry.

Sometimes I don't even know what to do

I could really use some advice. Rarely do I have a problem with shit friends. I'm pretty selective with my friendships, if acquaintances don't become friends I drop them. As a result I'm close with my friends, value them and try to go the extra mile. It pisses me off when I don't get the same. I spent two months of summer hanging out with a girl I'll call Y every week. (More frequently then I see some older friends) I brought her to my club on Toronto Island, taught her how to cook stuff and we hung out with her friends and generally had fun. After she visited her bf in Cali for a week I haven't heard from her since aside for a quick phone call and a couple of fbook messages, just saying she was busy. So yeah its kind of the cranky bit of my general excitement about school, hot TAs, clubs, newspaper articles to write etc. I would let it go I think... but she has my favourite bronzer and its like the insult to injury. How would you solve this?

I'm sorry...

I fail... It's kind of hard to maintain this right now because of the way I feel when I come home from class. I feel tired, drained, frustrated, anxious and nervous. There's a lot riding on this year. It's my opportunity to make up for my screw-ups of first year and second year. On top of that I have the added stresses of paying off a ridiculous credit card debt, eating healthy and just making sure that I take good care of myself. I try to see my friends as regularly as possible and my family provides eternal comfort to me, but that doesn't take away from the fact that this is my make it or break it year.

My course-load is obscene but I'm excited to be in the process of wrapping it all up and getting out into the real world. I'm lifeguarding, working for my professor, trying to do pilates, yoga or swim every day and trying desperately hard not to get too bummed out about the weather. Most of September has been beautiful, which is certainly what we deserve after such a crummy summer but not today. Today is a hot chocolate and a good novel kind of day, not a 9:30 tutorial and a 2:30 lecture followed by a 7pm pilates class kind of day.

Just to add to my irritability, my dear friend (so I thought) who I spent most of June and July hanging out with is now too busy to even see me for coffee. I haven't seen her for two months and I now suspect that the reason for this is that she doesn't want to give me back the bronzer I lent her... People! It's enough to make you a miser.

Things will get better though. The sun will come out, the leaves will turn. I'll get to wear my chunky sweaters and knee high leather boots. It will be the season of soups and pies and stews. Thanksgiving is coming up in another couple of weeks. Followed by Halloween (inicidentally one of my least favourite holidays) a dreary month and a half, then the first snowfall, the hustle-bustle of Christmas shopping. A friendly family baking rivalry, Christmas decoration overkill and 4 or 5 Christmas cds on rotation. I can hardly wait.

the bird

Two days ago, a house finch smashed into our window. I yelled downstairs to my dad that this one was still alive so he came up and picked it up off our deck as it fluttered weakly. He cupped it in his hands then gave it to me since he had work to do but he didn't want it to die. "If you keep it in a warm dark place" (he meant my hands) "until it's ready to fly away, it'll probably live." I didn't really have anything pressing to do so I cupped my hands under his and he carefully slid his big hands out from underneath those teeny claws. I put one hand over it and I sat down on a deck chair holding this warm little scrap of life carefully in my hands, sheltering it from the world. I could feel it shivering and shaking, still in shock. I could feel its tiny beak against the tip of one of my fingers as it panted. I could feel its unbelievably soft little body producing an amazing amount of heat as I sat outside on that perfectly still morning while the sun shone and other birds sang and flitted through our garden. Finally, after a good ten minutes of this strange situation, the bird began to flutter and beat its wings wildly. Bemusedly, I opened my hands and watched it fly away, grateful that I got to hold that one little bird.

Incidentally, birds play a special role in my family. It is a love and a fascination that my father has always tried to share with us. He loves his little song birds, his thrushes, his downy woodpeckers and his hawks and ospreys and such. This is not the first time that I've saved a bird for him, nor will it be the last. I suspect that in imparting this love and admiration for his (excuse me) feathery friends, he has also imparted his deep respect for nature and his sense of stewardship towards the environment.

"you keep biting heads off of gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized'"

I've been gone for a while, and I loved it. No offense folks. But no internet, no newspapers, the occasional One Tree Hill episode plus lots of good thick novels is about as close as you come to paradise you know. It was wonderful too, to find out who my real friends were. The people who called me and who didn't ignore my conspicuous absence from the technological world. I felt overcome several times, to write, be it on this site or in my plethora of notebooks but I just couldn't bring myself to do it without my computer.

Plus, I'm a little apprehensive. I want to know whether or not I should even bother anymore. Do I have anything really and truly worth contributing the blogosphere? It doesn't always feel like I do I must confess. Some people have the most interesting struggles, lives, loves and observations. Besides that what do I have to offer aside from my own anxieties, cynicism and a certain love of life that this blogging adventure has helped me cultivate.

Reading other people's blogs has made me realize how far I have to go and how much I have to appreciate. My break made me realize that in some ways this whole blog thing is overrated. But it lets me write, ramble and rant, and occasionally, when I'm very lucky, get some feedback.

There's more of what's been going on to follow.

sorry I've been gone

It's been so long... I feel terribly guilty. A few things have kept me tied up, school, my new job... the Twilight series. Ok I'm pretty embarrassed about the last one. I;m sorry that I abandoned you guys for twilight. Twilight is kind of liek a certain kind of candy that I love once I start I just can't stop. The writing was awful, the couple was absolutely nauseating... (I really think she picked the wrong guy) but once you start, how do you stop right?

Everything slipped up while I was reading those books. I worked half-heartedly, I couldn't bring myself to exercise or do the laundry, I didn't want to see my friends until I was finished. I tend to avoid books like that because I don't want to be sucked in. I've avoided anything gossip girl, though I did read shopaholic and the devil wears prada. It feels so good to be bad.

Part of the intriguing part for me is the fact that, I almost feel like I could right one. A certain degree of believability is required for these books coupled with some humour and and a few anecdote type stories.

But I also have to wonder, hopefully without sounding too pretentious, whether or not these people feel bad writing their flaky stories, with no meaning except to entertain. There are thousands of books writen and published every year, but how many of them will go down in history or be remembered as works of importance and influence. They're probably more widely read than any great literary achievement, but does that mean that they will be what is remembered as opposed to what has been acclaimed?

It's interesting isn't it? To speculate on what aspects of our culture will survive. Will we be remembered by Kanye music and gossip girl (or Harry Potter for that matter) or will it be the so called geniuses who survive?

it looks like I'm working less then 30 hours this summer

a 30 hour work week! I'm so friggin excited. So what should I do with my time? I couldnt find any classes I wanted to take. I want to volunteer, take new gym classes... you know, all that jazz.

something I've been thinking about...

I don't know why this has been bugging me, perhaps its because of my american politics class. After all this is no longer a political issue. SO, here's the thing. I want to live in a world without abortion. Ok, I can hear the gasps and sighs of dismay... but bear with me. I don't mean I want to live in a world where abortion is inaccessible. On the contrary, I think it should continue to be as accessible as it currently is in Canada.

I want to live in a world where contraception is affordable. Where girls can protect themselves without their parents permission. I want to live in a world where sex is always consensual. I want to live in a world with virtually no birth defects. I want to live in a world where every single baby is wanted and recognized for the blessing it is.

Abortion should always be an option. In an ideal world, no one would want or need to choose it.

pot fun facts

Fact: Canadians have the second highest percentage of pot smokers (after Holland) in the world.
Fact: Canada came this close to legalizing the stuff.
Fact: The best stuff comes from BC.

Can we please, as a nation, accept the fact that it's about as bad or as good as booze, a heck of a lot better then cigarettes and, unless your planning to fine 45% of Canadians (or throw them in jail) we should just make the stuff legal (and tax it)?

I'm not saying I use or don't use. I'm just saying that this is getting silly. Now don't just decriminalize it. Legalize it. In the same way that it seems strange that people can kill themselves with two packs a day but can't enjoy the occasional spliff (which has as much tar as 3 cigarettes and young people who smoke weed regularly triple their chances of adult onset schizophrenia) and in the same way that a man can pay a woman to take her clothes off, can purchase dvds of other people having sex but cannot pay someone to have sex with him (or a woman for that matter). It really just boggles my mind what sins are legal and what sins aren't. I get why heroine and crack are illegal, that makes sense, but weed... weed will always baffle me.

Ah me, what to do...

So folks, this post is going to be pretty random. Here's a list of things I want to cover:

-School! Almost done!

-Some musings about how delicious May is.

-A recipe, a very delicious recipe from http://www.orangette.blogspot.com/

-Some pictures illustrating the deliciousness of May.

-My stupid procrastination/fear of failure thing.

-My occasionally frstrating lack of direction.

-Have any of you attempted writing a book or a short story lately? Because I would like to get back in to the swing. But I don't know how.

First thing is first. I'm almost done school, I have take home exams to submit (that I should have already submitted) one more exam to write and a decision to make about summer school (i.e. do I want to ruin my summer and graduate faster?) All things considered, given my crazy anxiety over school and thus my tendancy to pretend that the work isn't there, things haven't been going so badly. Whenever I feel even slightly compelled to goof off, I do one of two things: 1) goof off

2) bust out the ol' therapy journal and do some exercises.

Thats right folks, pre-emptive measures. Are you proud? Because I am!

May is awesome. It is quite simply my favourite month of the year. It's not too hot, not too cold, everything has flowers on it. I can wear pretty dresses. I can drink lemonade. Usually I'm finished school by now. I can spend my weekends lazing outdoors, reading some old english classic or some brainless chick lit. There's almost always a delicious breeze wafting, making the great big willow in our garden sway..... Ok so I haven't been outdoors in a while and I miss it, can you tell?

Here's some pictures!

K so the pictures totally threw my alignment out of wack.

Anyway...

Recipe time!

(cut and pasted from www.orangette.blogspot.com)

Banana Bread with Cinnamon Crumble Topping

Adapted from Bakesale Betty and Bon Appétit, September 2008

For bread:1 ½ cups all-purpose flour

1 cup sugar

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

1 tsp. baking soda

½ tsp. salt

1 cup mashed ripe banana (about 3 medium bananas)

2 large eggs

½ cup vegetable oil

¼ cup honey

¼ cup water

For topping:

2 Tbsp. sugar

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

2 ½ Tbsp. packed dark brown sugar

Preheat the oven to 350° F. Butter and flour a 9- x 5-inch metal loaf pan. (Alternatively, you can spray the pan lightly with cooking spray and then line it with parchment paper, letting the excess hang over the sides. That’s what I did, and it made it very easy to remove the finished bread from the pan; I just grabbed the parchment and lifted. Also, because I don’t have a 9- x 5-inch pan - and because an 8 ½- x 4 ½-inch is a little too small - I used a 10- x 3-inch pan that I found once at a flea market.)In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking soda, and salt. In a large bowl, whisk together the banana, eggs, oil, honey, and water. Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients, and stir well. Scrape the batter into the prepared pan.In a small bowl, mix together the topping ingredients. Sprinkle them evenly over the batter.Bake the bread until a tester inserted into its center comes out clean, about 1 hour, give or take a little. Cool the bread in the pan on a wire rack for 30 minutes. Then carefully remove the bread from the pan, taking care not to dislodge the topping. Cool completely before slicing.

Yield: 1 loaf

There you go folks. YUM

So uh... I'm in my third year of my bachelor's degree. So you could say I'm at a crossroads. I need to start thinking about my fourth year and what comes after which has been stressing the heck out of me! Grad school? Law school? Neither? Japan followed by backpacking through Asia, then a job in France followed by backpacking through Europe? Working for an NGO abroad? (NGO- Non-Government Organisation, think Doctors without borders). Sit down and write a book? Get on the political war path? Quit it all and open up a little bake shop like the girl in Stranger then Fiction? OH MAN!

Writing people, give me guidance! I've started a million plots, but then I get bogged down or lose interest or feel like I don't have time! I know that Nina over at Life's a Ficke Pickle manages to write short stories even with her hectic schedule, so really, do I have an excuse?

Thanks for listening folks. This is just some of the crazy bouncing around in my brain right now.

is it worth the frustration???

OH MY GOD!

There really are all types on dating sites. I mean, ok there are two ways of looking at this: 1) everyone on the site must be fucked up, since they're still single. 2) I'm on the site, I'm not fucked up. There must be a few good ones.

Ok I'm starting to think that I'm fucked up.

There are the needy, clingy, whiny guys who get all upset when I don't respond right away. I read a note from one guy and didn't get back to him for a couple of days who sent me another saying "I didn't like you that much anyway".

There are the profound assholes, who wear their badges of assholery with pride. They would stand on roof tops bellowing, "I'm an asshole, hear me roar. Look at how I got Douche tattooed across my upper back with really fancy calligraphy." Ladies, let me help you spot them: they say things like "I do whatever the fuck I want." in their profiles.

There are the guys who are just plain boring! Be it the nurse guy from a little while ago, the "handy man" (interestingly enough, his name was Dan) that I went out with a couple of weeks ago, were both very nice, woefully uninformed, and socially inept. Reader poll: should a university degree become one of my requirements? Or is that too snobby? Would it even protect me from people who don't know who Vladimir Putin is?

Oh and lets not forget "the pervs". Ok, I'm not talking about child molesters or rapists (though I'm sure those are out there too), I'm just talking about the ones who are way way WAY kinkier then me, and want to help me explore my kinky side. All very well and good, but folks, there are just some things that I DON'T want to do, not even try. I don't care if you're Brad Pitt (ok well maybe Brad), it just ain't gonna happen!

And of course, there are the guys that I like, who, unfortunately don't seem to like me back. Case in point: I never heard from the french guy again.

However, I'm going out with a nice, normal, funny, extra tall guy on Thursday. Fingers crossed everyone!

Also, triathlon training is in a slump already! This does not bode well.

Happy Birthday Andrea

Yesterday was a big day. Yesterday was the day my little sister became old enough to drink in Toronto. That's right folks, the girl is 19. Actually I should call her a woman. So, to commemorate this special day I decided to get her jewelry. www.etsy.com is a wonderful site. Everything is handmade, everything is priced reasonably and everything is one of a kind. But at the end of the day I suppose that that's not what I really wanted to write about.

I'm rereading the alchemist and it's making me think. I need time to figure out my life, but my life seems ready to charge on without me. How nice would it be, to spend a couple of months in contemplative solitude. Not isolation, not silence, but a kind of introspective solitude so that you have time to figure stuff out. Maybe at an ashram in India, maybe on a beach on some teeny tiny greek island. Maybe right here at home, but with no job, enough money to see a shrink, do yoga every day and go to organic cooking classes. I want to hit pause, I want to figure out my life, sort through my "issues"; my fears, my phobias. And then when I'm good and ready, get back into it again....

If only right?

Doin' my I have 9 followers dance!

Oh my goodness, 9 followers, this thing is really snow balling :P. Oh man... so much to talk about I don't even know where to start. I'm going to think in categories here: school, romance, social life, misc., career, am I missing anything? Oh man if only I had a blackberry, I could blog on the train! Anywho...

School: I suck. I really do. Its pretty embarrassing. My profs think I'm wildly intelligent until it takes me 3 weeks to complete a simple 10 pager. I of course know exactly whats going on. They don't. Am I going to tell them? No. I should, but instead they just think I smoke a lot of pot or spend too much time getting my nails done or whatever.

Romance: Ok, fucking dating sites. Sorry, but man... people can portray themselves however they want and it SUCKS because I wind up disappointed and so do they. On the flip side, meeting people in real life is hard. Maybe I'm socially retarded.

Social life: Essentially non-existant because of school. I occasionally get dragged to a party I don't want to attend. Sometimes I go to a club or bar with a few people but things have been kind of lacklustre of late.

Misc: Oh my effing Lord, I'm training for a triathlon people. I know right... Because enough is enough. It saddens me that running a mile is so damn exhausting. It also saddens me that I have flub where my triceps should be. No longer people, no longer. Plus, hopefully I'll be ready to do Run for the Cure in September.

Also, how does one go about writing a novel? I suppose its just one more thing that I'm going to procrastinate on this summer, but I think it would be kind of fun. If you have any tips feel free to share.

Work: I HAVE A SUMMER JOOOOOOB! Woot! This is awesome. I don't have to become a street baker or a nanny for 8 bratty children. Thank heavens! Nope, instead, one of my professors is going to hire me. (I know, I was suprised too!) Cross your fingers for me, tell your friends.

I heart letters

I really do. Because I find them ALL over the place, and notes that my friends and I passed, scrap bits of paper with to-do lists, story ideas, things that I want, goals etc. My room is littered with them. My favourite has got to be letters however. I don't have any love letters YET but someday I hope I will. Anyway, I found this one little gem that I wanted to share, it's from when I was a ten-year old camper and as much of a misfit as you've ever seen. Let me paint the picture for you before I share the letter, with a few short words and phrases: book worm, too smart, gangly, boyish, thick glasses, poor wardrobe, socially awkward, too honest, too trusting. Can you see why I might have had trouble making friends? Anyway, long story short, I was, for a number of years, the kind of target certain girls dream of encountering and, Christian camp or no, there was still that kind of girl. So, the letter, from one of my councellors. Very sweet and just the kind of thing an insecure little dork like me needed to hear.

Dear Laura,
It's late at night Saturday and for some reason I thought of you. I wanted to say something to you that I didn't get a chance to at camp.
I know some of the girls gave you a hard time at camp. You are going to run into that in life. You are different from a lot of people. You are very smart and that will make some people dislike you. (editor's note: told you!) My advice to you is try not to let it get to you. You are very special and you should not let others make you feel bad about that. Don't ever deny your brains. I'm sure you're destined for something gret in life. Look around for people who can appreciate your specialness. They are out there!
It was wonderful having you at camp. Hope to run in to you again.
Love,
____

So, I think the moral of this is two-fold. Never underestimate the difference a kind word can make in a child's life. And two, be different! I probably couldn't have blended in with the "cool girls" even if I had tried, but as I got older I found people who appreciated me. I grew too... I was none the worse for the bullying I received, in fact it made me stronger. BUT, some people don't get away so lightly. Oh yeah, I guess thats lesson number 3, grow!

10 things I would rather do then go job hunting

I'm thinking of starting a list of all the things I would rather do instead of finding a job.

1) read classical political theory
2) reorganize my closet by colour and clothing type
3) read every russian literature book I can get my hands on
4) mow the lawn... in a spiral pattern.
5) write 5 novellas in a gossip girl style targeted at stupid girls.
6) learn jazz or tap or something requiring the same amount of coordination
7) go out with a fat bald guy 30 years my senior
8) learn to play the oboe.
9) master the art of haikus and make a day-by-day haiku calendar
10) stay in bed all day and pretend I don't need money!

So... I bought this dress. In retrospect it was kind of an impulse buy and probably not worth the 90$ I spent on it but DAMN it is cute. I can't wait to wear it in public, ideally with my most ass covering pair of nickers because MAN is it SHORT!

Is it cute or what? Next time I'll take off the jacket but folks, my arms are one of my "trouble spots" you see, I used to swim competitively so I used to have these big muscular arms and shoulders, well the muscle is long gone but my arms are still big! Or at least it seems that way to me! Anyway its nothing that some pushups won't fix, so hopefully they'll be ready to show off by mid may.

PARIS

When people think of the epicentre of culture (western culture anyway) they tend to think of one place more than any other. When people are talking of places they want to visit eventually, it might not top their list but it's on there and they always wind their way to that city eventually. Sure people might long for hot sandy beaches, turquoise water and dark skinned men with their white teeth flashing against their tans. Or they might want the hustle and bustle of an Asian city, steaming and savoury dishes, fluffy hot rice, tucked in to corners temples and remnants of their greatness. But eventually, if it's not at the top of their lists, people will say "and of course there's Paris".

Why? What do we love so much about the City of Light. Perhaps its the food? There are definitely people who would quite contentedly eat their way through Paris, with a Guide Michelin in hand they would go to a three or four starred restaurant for every meal, they would go to the open air markets devotedly, they would go to as many caves as possible, getting in a wine tasting every day if they could. They would delight in the little boulangerie right outside their hotel, where they would get their morning croissants- made not 15 minutes ago as Madame assured them- and sit at a little table out front and order a cafe au lait with their croissants.

Some people go for the culture. Paris is FULL of museums, churches relics of history war memorials etc. To go through the Louvre and give the art work the attention it deserves would take months. And then there's the light and airy and entirely beautiful musee d'Orsay, an old train station converted in to a shrine for slightly more modern artists. My favourite museum of them all though, had to be the Rodin museum. In his old, large and very beautiful house and throughout his gardens there is an impressive amount of statuary. There is also, if my memory serves me, a small outdoor cafe on the property, so that you can take a little refreshment and contemplate Rodin's genius at the same time.

Others still go for the fashion. That indescribable way that french women have of dressing that many others try to replicate but can never duplicate. The priviledge of shopping in the homeland of some of fashion's greatest names. A chance to get a little preview of whats to come (France is roughly a year ahead of us fashion-wise).

And lastly, I suspect that some people go simply to absorb and enjoy a little bit of frenchness. The french have something that a lot of the rest of the world doesn't understand, they have joie de vivre. Joie de vivre isn't quite as simple as enjoying life. It takes a little more conscious thought. It actually involves trying to make life pleasurable. So for example, when you're in France you may notice an astounding absence of gaudy mansions, hummers, SUVs etc. Instead what you're likely to see is tiny appartments, itty bitty houses with front gardens that are an absolute riot of flowers and lots of mopeds. This is no because the French earn less, but rather because they'ld rather spend their money on other things. The French spend a much higher amount of money, proportionally on food, vacations and other little pleasurable things. The French are much more likely to value a good restaurant meal over more gas for a hummer.

Anyway, I'm not going to lecture, the whole point of this was a brief bit of nostalgia and longing for my favourite place in the world.

Mystery solved!

GUYS!

I've answered one of life's mysteries! I'm so excited... I HAD to share! I've always wondered, why do lyrics NOT make sense, and folks, I've figured it out. All across the nation, as I write, variations of the same conversation are going on. It goes like this.

"Dude, great song, but the lyrics don't make sense"

"So?"

"Well, dude... like... people have gotta understand what we're trying to say!"

"What are we trying to say Ned?"

"Dude... that's soooo deep."

"Look Ned, no one is gonna not buy our album because the lyrics don't make sense, and if anyone were to question us, and they wouldn't because no one wants to seem stupid, we would just say that we refuse to explain ourselves."

"Whoa... dude... that's why you're the master."

internet neuroses.. I mean dating

zomg.... I have 6 followers! 6! I can't handle the pressure, I need one of you to leave now, k?! Actually, please don't I would cry, for days. Follower rejection would hurt more then dating website rejection.... So lets dive right in to the fray shall we? I feel as if, some guys have become disillusioned because, lets be real here folks, we all pick our most flattering pics to put on the site, so when they add me on fbook, and see the drunk shots, well you know.

Also, chiropractor boy, who I might add is graduating from kin shortly is fit. And I'm not... I feel as if he may be disappointed. We exchanged pics of a slightly more naked nature (swimsuits guys! JEEZE) and I feel paranoid because so far I've received, no comment. Nothing wreaks havoc with a woman's self-esteem like no comment.


Anywhoo, post is short because I am mad tired, and slightly tipsy and I have an early day tomorrow. So love you all! Have a bee-you-tiful weekend!

more, from the dating website

so... I really like to peruse people's profiles, it's interesting checking out how people try and sell themselves.

"looking for a woman I can trust" could mean one of two things: a) I got hurt, so I'll never trust you. b) I'm looking for a sucker.

"no mothers please" means: I'm funny.. ha.ha

"verrry interesting" means: he's anything but

"looking for a soul mate" means: I'm sad and alone and not meeting my life goal of being married before I turn 25

"friends and maybe more" means: I'm trying to seem disarming and suggestive. So I come off as creepy.

"Love IS commitment, not a feeling" wow... that's... depressing...

"LETS GO BLUEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!" because.. that is how you attract a woman!

Internet dating part four

Well, I went out with nurse boy and it was... a train wreck. Really I should have seen it coming, I like people who are different from me but we need SOME things in common for you know... conversation and such. This boy was like TOTAL opposite, I feared talking politics with him since hes so woefully uninformed and bored by it. I'm not interested in nursing, we had no common ground upon which to build... I should have seen it coming.

I sort of want to have a new rule of only dating university people, I feel like that would be wildly pretentious but at least that way I can avoid people who "don't read". Actually I cringed as I typed that last sentence. There are a whole lot of middle class liberal types like my self who fear seeming snobby more then anything else in the world. As a result sometimes we put up with people who are just not agood match so that we can't be accused of said snobbery. Well, I still have the guy from Dubai, Fashion guy, chiropractor guy, and the guy who likes sex in public places (yeah I dunno about that one either). I don't know what happened to french arab guy, I haven't talked to him since either monday or tuesday... I'm a little bummed about that because, with him, I could really practice my french, and you know, I had some diversity.

online dating cont'd

Urgh, so this whole online thing adds such LAYERS of complexity it's actually insane. For instance, I haven't heard from fashion boy in AGES (ok like one and a half days) but it's driving me wild, wild I say. I added him on fbook per his request, he hasn't gotten back on that either. I'm wildly paranoid, did he peruse through my pics and decide that my style was off (as it can be sometimes, I blame suzy shier and it's cheap glory) or maybe he saw a pic where I'm not wearing any makeup and decided my skin tone was too uneven or my pores are too big!

Thats another fear of mine! Am I misrepresenting myself but just including head shots? You can't see any of my "trouble spots" so I'm developing a whole whack of insecurities I never had before! Are my arms too big? What about my belly? Can you see that little bit of cellulite on my thighs? Should my ass be more toned? Should I go get a facial that I can't afford because my nose is starting to erupt in black heads? ARGH!

On the flip side it makes things easier to. I mean I would NEVER approach a guy in real life, I'm ballsy about some things but rejection really stings. Even online rejection! Plus sometimes I get really tongue tied and nervous and I have inane giggles and goofy smiles and trouble making eye contact! At least here I can play it cool.

But fashion boy, or fb if I may.... I hope you get back to me soon!

Internet dating... continued

So, life is going well-ish these days, aside from a couple of minor glitches (the disappearance of my glasses, my wallet being stolen, my continued refusal to crack open a text book) But I'm happy, sure I have a stress headache from not working but hey, if I just keep putting it off I won't fail because I'm stupid, I'll fail because I put it off.

I've been reading blogs again (excellent procrastination technique!) and I'm over 1000 behind... another thing I'll never catch up on.

But hey, I'm like 10 lbs lighter, I got my hair cut like Katie Holmes and I'm getting a kick out of internet dating (It is SOOOOOOO much easier then meeting people the usual way) Anyway, I've got a few going on right now, the main ones though are french guy, fashion guy, only wants sex guy, dubai guy and chiropractor guy.

The one that excites me the most though, is fashion guy. Already, he's giving me fashion and makeup tips, but he was in the army and watches football and such, it's such an interesting combination. PLUS hes 6' PLUS he's asian, did I mention I'm going through my asian phase right now? My last phase was a white phase which lasted for about a year so I figure I was long over due for a new racial phase!

(I don't know why but my mind works like this, for long periods of time I find only one race attractive... right now its asian guys, before that it was white guys, before that it was black guys and before that... I forget... but you get the idea)

Anywho... I went on a date with french guy. He was really cute, or I would think so if I wasn't going through asian phase, he's much better in person then online, some people come on really strong online since they can say things that they would normally be to inhibited to say in person. Our entire date was in french! Thats right, I spoke french for 2 solid hours, about... everything, heck even I'm impressed. The other good news? My english accent is cute.

internet dating part 1

So, much to the amusement or disgust of several friends, I have joined an internet dating site. It's been an interesting ride people. It's amazing what guys think is funny. It also amazes me how many cliched shots there are of people.... some suprisingly frequent ones that come up: the shirtless shot, the sunglasses shot, the swimming with dolphins shot, the with 4 girls shot, I don't know why these all keep cropping up? I don't know.

And the kinks people have! The guy that likes to do it in public, the one that likes spanking, the one who wants to play just the tip asap.

URGH

Oh Hai, sorry I've been gone

Lately... like the past month, I've been neglecting HUGE swaths of my life quite shamelessly and really I'm sorry! I AM. I've been preoccupied and studying and just not really feeling like doing anything. Sometimes a huge wack of apathy totally derails me for a little while, I hope that the fact that I'm posting right now means that I'm back!

So, what's new. I don't really know what to say. I wish I had tons of exciting updates. I wish that my life was as wild and crazy as I picture it in my head, the way that my Second Life would be if I had one.

Honestly I'm pretty out of practice in the blogging thing, so I'm going to leave it at this for now. More to follow with my life and the fearless things I might do (I have a doozy!) to follow.

comfort food (for the soul)

"The melon felt surprisingly heavy for its size, the skin freckled with beads of water, the stem end slightly soft. We inhaled and made admiring noises. The melon king smiled, his expression at odds with the eighteen-inch machete he had found in the corner. "Now you must see the flesh," he said, taking back the melon. A flick of the blade and it was in two halves, vivid orange, brimming with juice, a treat that he told us would "charm the throat and cool the belly." (I later found out that he had borrowed the line from a melon-fancier who was also a poet, but it was most impressive at the time.)
.... He let us buy a dozen, throwing in a handful of damp straw to line the shallow wooden box which he gave us to carry them away.
We stopped at a cafe before going back to the car, and found that we had another melon expert in our waiter. The thing to do he told us was to cut of the top, scoop out the seeds, pour a bottle of vodka into the hollow, and leave the melon in the fridge for twenty-four hours. The vodka is soaked up by the flesh of the melon, making a potent dessert of unimaginable delicacy.
Something to charm the throat and cool the belly?
"Voila" he said. "Exactement"
- Peter Mayle, from Encore Provence

I don't just have a repertoire of comfort foods, I also have a repertoire of comfort books, though I acknowledge, the common theme in those books seems to be total escapism (like in the sorcerer world of David Eddings) or homey comfortable books like Lucy Maude Montgomery.

I also have a penchant for books set in France, like the one above, or the swash buckling adventures of Alexandre Dumas. It's books in these three, very general categories, that I read over and over again.

The L. M. Montgomery books are very simple. Feminism is great, I love it, it serves me and I serve it. Equality is great. Technology is great. Modern day relationships are great. But at the end of the day they are also freakin' complicated. So L. M is my escape, along with Alcott and other books of that ilk. Anything Jane Austen is guaranteed to satisfy me.

Also, I just like really old books in general, vanity fair, and Charles Dickens, any book where I'm addressed as Dear Reader. Swiss Family Robinson and others. It's so detached from my world, it was before fiction played games and tried to shock and pain you (the way the Kite Runner or the God of Small things does. Those to books are NOT escapist literature), no those books serve to entertain, they detach you briefly from reality and its great.

Another genre, fantasy. Who doesn't want to move to Hogwarts? De-stressing escapism at its finest, Voldermort be damned.

The foodie books. You need books with good eating. If only to make your eating better. Flip through nigella or gourmet magazine before your super. The perfect prime, and it's wonderful to think about nothing but food for a bit.

And finally, the french culture books which I eat up. I devour them. Or really any book where they romanticize the 1600s and 1700s with swashbuckling musketeers and fainting ladies. I don't know what that says about me. No doubt some Freudian psychologist says it reflects my subconscious desire to be a weak willed sop of a woman.

Either way, these are the books I reread when I'm stressed and tired of my dry academic tomes. Sometimes I'm ashamed so I usually tote Machiavelli with me (or sometimes Aristotle) to make me feel better. Sometimes it works to.

food is love

All the diet and exercise magazines are going to strongly recommend against what I'm about to say, but I don't care. Sometimes we need food to make us feel better. There! I've said it! Are you suprised?

No?

Did I just go against every single fitness magazine that I've ever read that has said over and over, stop having an emotional relationship with food! It will make you fat! Food is fuel and nothing more!

Look people, the day food is nothing more then fuel, is the day that sex is nothing but a means of reproduction. It's the day that clothing, including silks, cashmeres, pretty dresses and hot jeans are nothing more then what we use to hide our nakedness and shelter our bodies from the elements. The day that food is nothing but fuel is the day that all the beauty in the world ceases to be important.

Am I being melodramatic? I don't think so. Every culture knows what I'm talking about. The preparation of a good meal is an act of love. Sitting together at a communal table, what is more elemental, what is more essential to what it means to be human, and alive, and AWARE. Food is love.

Ok, all that said, where am I going with this? This all started because, me being stressed out about exams and therefore procrastinating, what do you think I've been fantasizing about, day dreaming about, with a coy smile hovering around my lips like its some harlequin being written in my head? Not a man. Oh no. I don't think men are as satisfying as the things I was dreaming about (or at least no man I've met so far)

I've been dreaming about comfort food. My famous chocolate chip cookies, the delicious, incredible pasta carbonara I made for myself once, and only once since my parents frown on fatty pastas (living with home is a trial sometimes) nuts and bolts. This really divine burger that I haven't had since the summer. The stupendous pizza I had in the Dominican (I was surprised too). Its all been dancing through my head. I've been telling people about it too. They think I'm weird, or maybe they think the gym is finally getting to me. My sister took the opportunity to lecture me about my bad food choices (whatever miss Coolers and poutine! (ooooooh poutine... I just opened up another can of worms))

Anyways, where I'm REALLY going here is this: do not be ashamed to turn to food in comfort. Make yourself a home cooked meal, have a glass of wine, top it off with a cookie and some milk. That is healthy comfort food. An entire pint of Cherry Garcia, not so much.

Also, this is sort of my one and a half hours at the gym talking. I tried to satiate it with cheese but it's roaring for pasta, cookies, or nuts and bolts.

What Machiavelli forgot

There's something you should know about political science students. Actually, several things. 1) Yes, even we are occasionally bored by our own subject matter. I was lulled in to napping earlier on today reading about Chinese politics which, considering how volatile they are (in comparison to Canadian politics) was no mean feat.

2) We all plan to take over the world someday. It's kind of embarassing and cliched actually.

3) We have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever. If you don't believe me look at parliament. If you don't believe them, contrast Hilary Clinton and her array of pantsuits (and her success) to Sarah Palin and her fashiongate (and her failure). Hell, I'm not even touching the men, caus we know they mix their plaids and polkadots.

4) We're argumentative by nature. We're sorry, we know its obnoxious, we can't help it.

5) All that said, we must be great in bed given the disproportionate number of cheating politicians.

the vacation anticlimax... in other words, the honeymoon is over.

urgh. I feel so disinclined to blog right now. I'm back from the DR. It is cold here. Very. Very. Cold. I also lost my glasses at some point, so I'm bummed. Im equally bummed about the fact that I'm very unfashionable apparently (I'm not even close to the weardrobe kids, or the lookbook ones in all their hipster glory), my credit debt may be insurmountable and H ave take home exams galore to get done. Take homes a great idea, unless you have 4.

had to share... And if you have food issues, DO NOT click on the link (yes you)

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

I'm serious. It's sick and delicious at the same time, it left me craving gravy covered pizza.

Alright so I was not going to blog again before I go, but I'm kind of excited because I lost a lot of weight in a relatively short amount of time. And I was healthy about it people. I didn't deny myself ANYTHING. All I did was drink more water, eat more salad and burn 500 cal 3 times a week.... roughly.

So yeah. That pretty much sums up my weight loss tips. It won't even matter that you had almost a whole day's worth of calories in OREOS alone one day because you were so tired after the gym your body was going "sugar, fat, sugar, fat"

before I go

Ok, so I'm off to the Dominican on Saturday (I know!) and I have got SO much to do before then. But I thought I would stop by.

Things I hate:

Knee caps- They seem so vulnerable

Essays that are entirely to long

Getting a manicure

The calories in the starbucks Espresso Truffle

Things I love:

The way my nails look after a manicure

The Espresso Truffle

The short story I'm writing (yay!)

The people who read this

Dear White People

Hi white people (with emphasis on men)
Yes, I know, I'm white. Bear with me.

Listen white folks, I would love to say that this is an American problem. But its not. This is pretty much a world problem. Any place there are white people they're going to be saying shitty things and making assumptions. Now, I'm not saying that this is an exclusive white people thing, trust me, just about everyone can be and will be racist. But seriously people, the things you say. Really stupid Republican lady? You think this email is appropriate? Really lady working for Queen's Park who called the black guy that came in for an interview the "ghetto dude" because of his cornrows REALLY! Really stupid guy from a prairie province (who happens to also be a federal politician) who called Nelson Mandela a terrorist? Really Miley Cyrus? Asian eyes? (Sad story about the only asian girl in my class in elementary school who actually tried to fit in with our kiddie racism with a fake chinese accent and the odd asian joke is NOT to follow, but it did happen. The world is sick, I know.)

I mean, let's be real here. I make mistakes. I say things that I later regret. So does everyone. I pass judgement on people... pretty much all the time. We all do. So I could use a little cultural sensitivity myself, I think we all could. I mean, my black friends could including Miss "White Girls Can't Dance" (she may be right though) My asian friends could (Mr. Everyone knows White people aren't good at football... yeah that stereotype surprised me to)

So the question is this, what are we to do? Laugh it off? Get over it. Or get indignant (my personal hobby) and hypersensitive.

I'm going to warn you right now, if you ever use the phrase that's so gay I'm going to dye your hair purple in your sleep and tattoo gay hair stylists, I'm a homophobe on your forehead. Just TRY to get your hair fixed after that. (No I'm not implying all hairstylists are gay, I'm implying its a very accepting industry... jeeeeeeze)

So... are ya inadvertantly racist ever? How do you deal?

I want a simple life!

Ok so you know when I get these ridiculous headaches and I want to wrap my head in pillows and sleep for a week (except I would get really dehydrated) well thats pretty much my life right now. Thats right people, I'm blogging, going to class, going to work, studying, hitting the gym and talking to friends all while my head feels like my brains are being squeezed out my ears. All day every day. Did I mention its impervious to pain meds? Oh yes, thats right, does not respond to over the counter drugs in unhealthy quantities. Yes you see, this is what stress does to me. It's cruel and ironic and debillitating, because then I can't function with a headache and I get more stressed when I can't function which makes the headache worse, so nothing gets done which makes the headache worse. BAH!

But now I'm doing something.

I'm reading over an essay (surprisingly good) and I'm blogging.

I cannot wait for my vacation, the Dominican isn't gonna forget me baby!

goals and things

It's been a long time since I've written anything meaningful, for which I apologize. I've had a lot going on. I mean, between the resumption of school, the realization that I have a helluva lot of work to do, keeping up my two jobs and squeezing in gym time, I can barely think. (Clearly I need a blackberry and an itouch.) So even with all of this going on, I've been thinking of getting a little creative writing done on the side. Virtually all the bloggers who's blogs I read regularly are a) working on a book, b) have written a book or c) talk about how much they would like to write a book. I tend to fall in to the c category.

Maybe while I'm on vacation I will use it as an opportunity to write.

Anyways, I have some goals for myself this month, what about you guys? I mean first and foremost if I can make it through this month with some money in my bank account and relatively on top of my readings it would be a HUGE accomplishment, but I am going to set the bar a little higher then that. First, I would like to get my work done on time. Second I would like to exercise every day, with a serious workout 5 times a week. So when I say exercise every day I mean, take a walk, do some quick asanas whatever, but carve out some serious time 5 days a week to really exercise. I'm starting to slip in to the groove and I'm liking it, lets just hope I keep it up. I want to talk to some strangers, smile more, crack a few more jokes and make friends at my jobs. I want to feel motivated to make myself healthy food so I don't wind up buying fries at 3pm.

I want to meet people to. Maybe while I'm on vacation, but also at home. I can really never know enough people. ALSO, I need to start talking to potential future bosses (read: summer bosses) and seeing what I can get lined up. Come March I would like to be in a position where I can take some time, get my instructor's qualifications done and find another job. (BOTH my contracts expire in March but I'll be working a day camp thing for two weeks) Still, I NEED a regular source of income, or two.

I might just start leaving my credit and debit cards at home this month and paying in cash, so that when I AM out of work, I have enough to get by on for one or two months, but oooooh how I want that itouch and blackberry.

This whole want want want thing is getting a little tiresome, a little self-absorbed (more then usual anyways) I'm going to start thinking about other kinds of wants. Spiritual wants, other people's wants the wants of politics, feminism and all those other big things I try to understand.

One last thing: do you consider yourself to be a feminist? Or is it some awful label in your mind that calls up images of angry short haired women with unshaven legs and shrill demands?

I want..

The body that makes swim suit shopping fun.

I went swim suit shopping today and it was painful my friends, painful. Usually, I have pretty good body confidence. I mean, it could be better but then so could my body (see?) but come swim suit shopping I feel like a mess by the end of it. Its like I've gained 50 lbs in two hours. This feeling is pretty much universal I understand.

Anyways, long story short, I have two bikinis (3 tops) and I'm so GLAD its over.

In other news, today I kind of disappointed myself. I watched a situation unfold and I felt like I should have intervened, my parents are two upstanding people and they don't let other people get abused but I'm afraid I have chronic bystanderitis. (I believe the real term is diffusion of responsibility) Because I work in the service industry, I'm very sensitive to people abusing service providers (verbally) I really wanted to intercede, especially because it seemed like such a crazy situation, but I was also afraid of making it worse. What would you do if you saw someone screaming at the poor bus driver? I had to go see if she was ok after that, but it really wasn't good enough. I'm definitely thinking about this too much, but its what I do. I replay things in my head over and over. I'm a dweller

Anyways.

Goodnight...
Don't dwell people. Don't be like me. Move on, make more memories... don't dwell

I want...

...to leave this cold country for a time. I want to go to a place with endless beaches, warm breeze and smiling waiters. I want to go to a place where everything's brighter, and warmer. The sun, the colours, the smiles of strangers. I want to learn to surf, to snorkel through reefs, eat spicy food and drink freshly squeezed mango juice. I want to dance, let my hair bleach out and get wavy and wear jewelry made of shells that would look tacky anywhere but on a beach.

If not there then I want to go to a place where the very streets have been walked on for centuries before my country was even on a map. I want to wander through old castles and look around and enjoy the forgotten splendour of it all. I want to experience the kind of culture that is slower moving, they understand the importance of language, food and tradition in their continuity. I want to drink wine and discuss politics with the boys my age who act like they're men. I want to go to a daily market and sit on a terrace while the sun sets on some beautiful old ruin.

If not there, then I want to go to a place where to food is hotter and the colours are wilder then anyone with delicate North American sensibilities could ever imagine. I want to walk through old temples, and hike through ancient rain forests. I want to do yoga in an ashram and see where an ancient emperor used to keep his harem.

If not there, then I want to stand at the edge of a dessert. I want to walk through cities of vast wealth and vast poverty. I want to see an oasis. I want to experience a hot desert garden. I want to eat with my hands. I want to see places that westerners never go. I want to see catacombs. I want to see the oldest cities in the world, the greatest monuments to death and life.

So I think the point is, I'm bored of Canada, I'm bored of Winter. Get me out of here.

I have to go to bed early because I have a headache and so much to do tomorrow! AND I have to make myself indispensible at work to get a good reference, its getting close to end of contract time (5 more weeks people) I also have a mild headache. So, before i go to bed I thought I would go through a childhood ritual that I never had but wish I did.

Goodnight moon...

Good night stars that I can't see...

Good night messy room....

Goodnight yellow monkey on my bed...

Good night tiring thoughts in my head....

Goodnight friends who are far away....

Goodnight York, I'll see you monday...

Goodnight hat & Gloves...

Goodnight future loves....

Goodnight gym bag...

(nothing rhymes with gym bag)

Goodnight moon.

You know, with all of the wonderful children's books we had it makes me a little sad that we never had that one, I mean we had a lot of the key ones: velveteen rabbit, I'll love you forever, The Giving Tree, Grandma and the pirates and a bunch of lesser known but equally awesome books. I loved those books and they really did define my childhood, I only discovered Good Night Moon later on in life. (Yes I'm aware that that was a lame rendition of Good Night Moon and my 7 year old self is currently shaking her head at my 20 year old self but I really am tired.)

Goodnight All.

sooooooorry (puppy eyes)

It's been an embarassingly long time. In fact, the only thing that is awakening me from my blogging stupor is the Nablomopo theme for next month, it is something I will be able to blog extensively about. Ladies and gentlemen, the theme for the month of February is: WANT!



Who in North America can't blog excessively about this topic? Who isn't unsatisfied. I started thinking about it on the bus the other day, from the really basic things I want (chocolate, sleep, a seat) to the material things I want (itouch, blackberry, smaller laptop, designer duds, more money) to the completely unattainable things that I want (a rockin' bod, perfect skin, the ability to turn off the mean part of my personality) and then the wild and distant dreams that I have (novelist, world traveler, politician, intrepid do-gooder) and these are only the things I want for myself!

I want an end to world poverty, world peace, everyone to be happy, our lives to feel more simple, I want the world to want less (oooh the irony)... the list goes on my friends, the list goes on. Like I said, I can wax eloquent on this topic like no one else. After all, are we not driven by our wants? Could we not say that every single action we perform every single day is the direct result of trying to achieve something we want? Anyways, my head hurts way to much for me to philosophize any longer about this.

In case your all wondering, this whole exercise and eat right business is going okay. I mean, I just can't give up junk food cold turkey, I mean there are certain things that I would miss with a physical ache, bacon, fries, mayo, pie, chocolate, fettucini alfredo, (or really any italian food... like garlic bread) chocolate chip cookies, etc. Man if loving those things is wrong, I don't want to be right. ALSO, I have a problem, so I'm hoping that all of you people who read my blog and don't comment can help me out (I'm lookin' at you Lynne and Sarah) I need a super fantastic, wildly energetic, fun in a poppy way, with no electronika play list to exercise to! Shout out your favourites people!

byyyyyyye

He's just not that in to you

Today has been a day with nothing to do but "Try and Look Busy". Something I like to think I'm really good at but I suspect I'm fooling no one. So in an effort to do so, I've been alternating between reading through my google reader (I had to mark them all as read since every time I left the damn page it started all over again) and reading the news. Especially the political news. I'm sure my boss would be very impressed. Anyways, here's what I noticed, I've noticed that all is not well in bloggerdom. I mean, sure we're all pumped about the Obama Inauguration. I cannot wait for our weird neighbours to the South to finally have a normal, sane, rational leader. I mean Bush made Harper look like a tree-hugging lefty. (On the other hand, Bush still looks better compared to Stockwell Day) But like I said before, all is not well in bloggerdom.

I think I've found the problem. The problem is men. It makes me cringe, it makes me wince, it hurts me to see the women whose lives I like to read about, throwing themselves away on crappy guys. Last year, I read the book that is soon to be released in to a movie with tons of my favourite actresses (Scarlette Johansson... Drew Barrymore? Squeeeeeee!) and I think that its a book every woman should read.

Ok, one of my fave websites of all time because it has just the right mixture of feminism, politics, fashion, celeb juice and other fluff says you should NOT read this book. I haven'really followed the full debacle, but in some way or another it is anti-feminist or woman or maybe even the problem lies in the fact that it makes all men seem like assholes... Eitherway Jezebel hates the book but is excited for the movie, and I'm confused.

Anywho, I really really really want all bloggers with man trouble to read the friggin book! Because then they would realize, that everything they do to convince themselves that so and so is a good guy and he'll come around is just a huge waste of time. If I actually knew these people personally, well lets just say they wouldn't be doubting my stance on the matter. So, girls if you need to convince yourselves that he's going to call/ask you out/not cheat on you/marry you, then maybe he's just not that in to you and for the love of God (because God is a she, clearly) stop wasting the pretty.

my outbox

Dear Americans,

I don't understand your love for dragging out politics and turning something as simple as electing LEADERS for your parties ( and then the president) in to a big brouhaha. I know you all think that the fate of the world hangs on your next president, but hey, the world survived 8 years of Bush, so clearly not. Also you should consider the more civilized parliamentary system. With our system you can actually get rid of the leaders you don't like before their term is up. Of course I wonder if you would have had the brains to do it considering you re-elected that numskull. (I know, John Kerry wasn't as exciting but he sure would have been better for the economy) Anyways, can't wait for the inauguration to be over. Took ya long enough.

Love,
Canada
(80% of us anyways)

Dear York,
FUCK YOU

Love,
The Students.... and their parents.

Dear Fries,
Our sordid love affair has gone on for too long. You will be the death of my waistline. I think I need to go cold turkey. Is there a country that DOESN'T sell fries?

Love,
My muffin top

So I was on craigslist

And this is the Ad I want to post:

So, do you like girls with big boobs, tiny waists, clear skin and perfect hair? Sorry man, thats not me. What about girls that make sandwiches after sex and don't really like to talk about anything aside from sports and how hot other girls are? Well sorry to disappoint. If you want a girl who's super needy and yet, incredibly argumentative, I'm your girl. If you like tons of layers to bed, and unshaved legs, give me a ring. I'll probably spend lots of time trying to change you... I hope thats ok. I by contrast will be strongly, strongly resistant to even the faintest suggestion of some small way that I can be improved. I don't get my eyebrows done as often as I should. I'm the queen of procastination, and during the winter, you'ld be lucky to get me out of my bed, let alone out of the house on a date. My nail polish usually looks pretty scraggly. I get cranky when I'm not fed frequently, thats one of your resoponsibilities by the way. I love to have political arguments until I'm screaming.

Sound exciting!
Please reply.

Fearless Fridays!

Ew. Why would I ever have said, hey you know what, I want to stand on my feet for 6 hours in an unflattering swim suit, a large floppy flotation device on a hot pool deck in the hopes of preventing the accidental death of 4 year olds for a mere pittance! If I was getting paid what those city kids are getting paid, who would care. AND they get to sit in chairs. But no, I had to be a snob, I had to say I want to work for the company that's more selective with their clientel. I'm actually rolling my eyes at myself right now. I've been pretty busy lately pretending to work and pretending to not eat junk food. I've also pretended to exercise as much as I'm supposed to, but no force on earth is going to get me outside to walk for an hour on a day like today. I had a lot of observations to make today, they all sounded wonderfully witty in my head. Sometimes I catch myself thinking like I'm talking to someone or writing this blog, or perhaps even writing a novel about myself. (It wouldn't sell... trust me) I think I was going to do a fearless fridays thing, why not, let's give it a quick whirl.

1) Caesar Salad: Because I feel healthy eating it, even though I know, deep down inside it's all a sham!

2) Ri-ri: I just really like her hair...

3) The crazy guy that adressed a letter to the mayor today and signed it "The President of the United States" and then accused said mayor of flagrant sex acts and of printing lies about him in the Toronto Star.

4) My fidelity Jeans: Everyone should have a pair of fantastic jeans to wear when they're glum.

5) Spray in wax: Makes my boring hair interesting.

6) The Illinois House for FINALLY impeaching Blago. Took you guys long enough. Yeesh.

SO that pretty much concludes my involuted little rant. In case your wondering I only did walking today and I was good on the junk food score until tonight, I'm a sucker for popcorn.

Some things

I need carbs on a deep level. This goes far beyond the realms of physical hunger my friends, in fact it goes far beyond the realms of psychological hunger. I will not say I'm on a diet because that will just jinx everything, but I will say I'm going to the Dominican Republic on February 14th and I have begun my preparations. Among them I'm trying to reduce my junk food intake to almost zero and maximize my fruit and vegetable intake. This is going as well as can be expected considering the fact that I'm pretty much allergic to all fruits and vegetables in their uncooked form. I wish I was exaggerating friends, but I'm not. Here's when I know I'm done my salad: I'm not finished when I'm full, nor am I finished when the plate is empty, I'm finished when my voice is so raspy I sound like a 60 year old 1/2 pack a day smoker. (I stop plenty before I sound like a pack a day smoker) On top of this, I'm exercising. I don't use this term negligently the way I usually do to describe laps in the pool, a brisk walk or yoga whenever the mood strikes. Oh no, this is the real McCoy. I'm working out, with real exercises and everything. End of story, I'm tired, cranky and not noticeably slimmer (of course it's only been 3 days... but still) however, there is this one point in the day when all my good intentions go out the window. On Monday I succumbed to perogies, on Tuesday it was poppycock and today it was a BLT. Let me tell you, as soon as that constant gnawing that simply will not be satiated by salad was gone, I could feel wellbeing radiate from every inch of my body, it was wonderful. Long story short, I'm pretty sure I can stay on track if I can have one or two indulgences a day.

Ok in retrospect I realize that was a really boring thing to write about. I apologize, my life is in fact, pretty boring these days. Aside from waiting with bated breath to see whether or not my university and the union will in fact let me back in to class and working, and seeing some friends some of the time, there's really not all that much going on. I worry, I plan, I don't act out on my plans and then it starts again.

Finally, I'm just now coming to terms with the awesomeness that is Kindle, and slowly absorbing the fact that I don't have one. At any given day I carry about 5 books in my purse, one or two that I'm reading for fun, one serious book, and the rest are school books. On top of that, I carry like, 2 notebooks, because I don't want to be caught unprepared, an organizer that I haven't had to use and a bunch of other paraphanalia. I was thinking, kindle, plus iphone, plus super small and fast laptop with lots of battery power (AKA not the one I have now) and that would be all I need to carry. Then I stopped, sighed, and shook my head at what a sad, materialistic little person I am. But hey, at least I know!

ah Europe, here we come

I'm excited. I'm excited the way I wish I was excited about a new man in my life. In some ways this is better though. Men come and go, working in Europe with a friend is the trip of a lifetime though. It's a little premature, I'm not going to lie, but we've already begun the preliminary planning. I'll let you know as the plans unfold. I'm serious this time. Plus I have someone to go with as added incentive!

snowy afternoons in the library

I have a headache so I'm going to keep this brief. Firstly, have you read Eat, Pray, Love yet? No? Why not? Do it. It's life changing I swear. It's very carpe diem to which I like. In fact that may have to be my new motto for the year. It's pretty cliched, but things only become cliched because they were awesome in the first place.

So originally my big plan for today was... NOTHING! And I liked it that way. Usually I have stuff to do, or I feel like I should be doing something. In fact, usually I feel guilty for sitting around and doing nothing. In fact, occasionally I make it look like I'm doing something so that I can do nothing with a tranquil spirit.

However, my plan was quickly derailed. For reasons I'm not getting in to now, I wound up in a big library in tights and a red dress. No force on earth could persuade me to go outside or take the subway until I thawed a little so I started to think about some things that I want to do for myself this year. Do more yoga, decrease anxiety, manage my headaches without pills, maybe be a little more spiritual, because lets face it, we all need some spirituality. So, long story short, I have books along the lines of The secret power of yoga and What Matters; Spiritual Nourishment for mind and heart, Bikini Bootcamp, and Scarlett Pimpernell which is admittedly neither here nor there, it's just a good book. I'm also trying to get back on track with my school reading. I have no clear idea of what this is going to accomplish, just some hazy ideals, so bear with me folks.

Happy new Year

So I've been thinking about New Year's Resolutions.It's a slippery slope my friends. I think we're all familiar with the tendency of these often drunkenly thought out resolutions to fail. I mean realistically if I want my resolutions to not fail, I would have a better time if they went along the lines of:
1) study less
2) eat more junk food
3) get in to more fights with people that I love.

These are all things that I'm already pretty good at, so I'm pretty much guaranteed to succeed. Instead my resolutions tend to run along the lines of :

1) go to the gym
2) get and maintain an 80% average
3) don't spend my money on useless things and junk food
4) stand up straight
5) stop being such an irrascible bitch

However, I think we all know that life isn't like that. I was reading, a month or so ago in my fave girlie magazine... well really my favourite magazine since I don't read intellectual ones (a resolution maybe?) about the idea of making small monthly resolutions. To be frank, I like it. The people did really easy thigs too, like wear dresses for a month or do one minute of exercise daily. So maybe, I just might stand a better chance of my resolutions are one at a time and bite sized. My over all goal can be more grandiose maybe, but my steps in getting there can be smaller. Let's say "be the best you can be" as something overall, vague and pleasant sounding for now. I'll firm it up a bit later.