A Carpe Diem Year

Ok firstly I would like to apologize to the three people that openly admit to reading my blog as well as the hidden hordes I know are out there lapping my words up in secret. To those people I have to tell you, it's nothing to be ashamed of, really. I'm not That bad, nor is my material so peverted that it's something you need to hide from your friends. Anyhow, what I'm apologizing for is my prolonged absence. I seem to write a lot about how moody I am or how insanely happy I am but nothing particularly new and exciting. In consequence I really didn't want to bore you all with the details of my Christmas with the family, the waves of despairing loneliness that washed over me (irrationally) alternating with bouts of euphoric Christmas giddiness (also irrationally). Also, I've been unusually critical with myself. It's rare that I start out with any intent or purpose when I post, so it usually sounds quite rambling. However, lately that hasn't quite been good enough. Yes I'm rambling right now, in fact I can barely think through the fog in my brain caused by prolonged inactivity and weeks of eating too much. But I have decided that you, dear reader, have been ignored for too long.

I want to think about New Years. I love New Years. Ok, I hate New Year's eve with a passion. To me it's the worst holiday in the whole wide world. But I love New Years. I love the feeling of a brand new year. For the first little while anyways it feels different from all the other years. This year has possibilities. This is the year I'm going somewhere. I'll do something big. I'll start on the path that will lead me down the road of my Ideal Future. So for a little while I feel grand. I walk with a bounce in my step, I stand a little straighter, I drink more water, go to the gym more often and try to procrastinate less. I try and smile and flirt and be charming and witty, ah yes, this year has possibilities. But as we all know, our Resolutions are doomed before they actually begin. It's kind of embarrassing to admit that we've fallen of the wagon, but since it was inevitiable anyways we all just kind of grin sheepishly and move on. We set the bar to high we tell ourselves, there's always next year. I wish, I desperately wish, that this year would be different. I want a Carpe Diem year. When I'm old I want to look back and remember what I did, not what I wish I had done. So please, please let this New Year's be different.

Nigella... are you looking to adopt another kid?

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I love reading cookbooks. It sounds like a strange thing to love, especially when you consider how little cooking I actually do. A few years ago, I wouldn't have got it, but then a few years ago a good night would probably have involved McDonalds and the movies. Some things about growing up are wonderful... However, by far the best cook books to read are those that are written by people who aren't neccessarily professional chefs. I don't want to say professional chefs are bad food writers! What slander! No, on the contrary they're great food writers, but often for them a meal is an opportunity to show off with delicious but elaborate feasts for the senses that need a half day to prepare and ninety dollars worth of ingredients. What I like to read is the kind of book written by people who cook with love. I know that that sounds incredibly corny, but if you're the type of person who cooks for themselves a lot or who eats out a lot, think of the basic pleasure given when someone else cooks a meal for you. A truly delicious family dinner is an affirmation of love. Also, nothing brings people together like good food.

So while I love going to a restaurant and ordering something fancy, when I want to feel snuggly and cozy, or when I want to get in to the holiday spirit, I crack open one of my Nigella Lawson's or one of my Peter Mayle's and curl up in my living room with something to munch on (you should never read a food book without something to nibble on along the way) and lose myself in the photography, the descriptions, the menus and the whole feel of it.

single during the holidays...

People tend to blog a lot about being single, in fact I would maintain that it is a far more popular theme then the joys of a solid and comforting relationship ever will be. Why? Well in the book Atonement one of the characters said that she liked writing about ugly people better, there were far more ways to describe ugliness then beauty, everyone beautiful looks the same. That's kind of how relationships are, once you've talked about how much you love each other, how happy you make each other and how you can't imagine never feeling this way, there's not a whole lot left to talk about. Not to mention the fact that, most relationships inevitably settle in to a rut... singles do to of course, they just get to bitch about that rut because they're single. Singleness on the other hand comes in a wonderful array. Firstly, there are the miserable singles, these people are absolutely convinced that their lives would be so much better if only they had a significant other. Their self esteem would be better (since someone finds them attractive), it doesn't matter how crappy their job is because there's someone wonderful to come home to, and having partner is going to fill that aching void of loneliness that is inevitably in their lives.

Then there is the kind of single that is indifferent to their singleness. They've accepted it, they go out with their friends, they have hobbies, they try to go places to meet new people, they go on the occasional date. These people do not bemoan their singleness and they see it as a phase. But on the flip side they don't celebrate their singleness either.

The third kind of single is the kind that celebrates their singleness, they wallow in it. The perfect example in my mind is Samantha from Sex and the City. She is the quintessential bachelorette and has every intention of remaining so for the rest of her life. She revels in the freedom of being without that ball and chain, she gets the stability of a relationship from her friendships and she gets the sex from... well... the masses. She is a total narcissist and likes it that way.

So my friends, what makes singleness truly interesting is that no one is one of these three all the time. People tend to bounce back and forth between the three, and sometimes they find themselves in between two of them.

The reason why I'm giving so much thought to singleness is the holidays, specifically New Years. The holidays are bad enough with the majority of my cousins and my sister in relationships but now add to the mix New Years, the holiday with the most pressure to be with someone... anyone if only at the strike of midnight. (Well Valentines is probably more pressure, or would be if I wasn't looking forward to the discount chocolate on the 15th) So here am I trying to figure out what to do with myself, I talk to one of my bffs, she's going to a club with her bf and some other people, I ask if some of those people will be single. She said no, is that a problem? The answer is a resounding omfg YES!!! See here's the thing, its not that I mind being with couples, I don't but I really really cannot stand being a third wheel. I get strength in numbers. I need people to commiserate with. I need people to talk to when all the couples get all PDA on me. Trust me, there is absolutely nothing more awkward then sitting in a hotel room with 5 other couples that are making out, whispering to each other or drunkenly arguing. Well... the only thing more awkward would be if they started having sex.

So my assessment: I need a date, another single or another party... STAT!

I was going to write about christmas music, scrubbing the floor and the sappy/awesome book I read but...

I tend to assume a lot of men are gay and just not out yet. In fact, my deep interest in outing gay men, my overly sensitive gaydar, my interest in gay rights (it's totally a human rights issue!) and the fact that sometimes i would rather wear my sneakers, a t-shirt and my comfy jeans (with no makeup to boot) led my mother to suspect that I'm gay.

This was something I gave serious thought to... after all no one knows me better then my own Mother! Maybe she was on to something, maybe she knew something I didn't. So I pictured myself with a woman instead of a man. I could immediately see the practicalities of the situation. I want a large family so it was nice to think that the birthing and breast-feeding responsibilities would be immediately halved. Also, I wouldn't be automatically slotted into the typical woman's roles in a marriage. Hopefull I would never have to hear "you're only mad because you're on your period" as well.

I did some research, I compared hot men and women on the subway, who was I more attacted to? I even struck up a flirtatious conversation with an absolutely gorgeous girl who hit on me via facebook. I'm not one of those girls who get drunk and make out with other girls for attention, I'm one of those girls who get drunk and make out with guys... because I'm horny, so I had no real frame of reference to help me determine which gender I had the most chemistry with.

But ultimately folks, I think that the reality is that I'm just far more attracted to tall handsome men with breaod shoulders and muscular stomachs and that undefinable arrogance that must come from having a penis. But perhaps, in spite of the strong case I made for being with women, my attraction to men is for the best... at least with men I know who's the boss (me) with women I'm not so sure where I would stand.

From the Annals of my notebooks

I stockpile notebooks, like a total nerd. I absolutely adore stationary. So sometimes I go through writing periods if you will, when I write quite a frequently. However, as a result, it often winds up being sappy and melodramatic. Writing teachers encourage you to use lots of different words and sometimes that backfires. Anyhow, I feel like including an old piece, one from between 2 and 3 years ago I figure. It's one of the least corny ones, but feedback is always appreciated.

** You are the pink in my day. A brief but glorious minute of sunshine reflecting blazingly in a wet and grey world. You are the tattoo peaking out of an evening gown and you are running away during our lunch break to ride the rollercoasters. You taste like the Baileys I slipped in my coffee before the board meeting. You are the brazen sunflower whose coarse beauty brazenly outshines the dull, prickly roses. Only you could make the smell of lavender soap, stale coffee and garlicky french food my favourite smells in the world. You have become the tamarisk in my life.**

Is it a tad melodramatic? Yes. Is it a little wordy? Yes. Do I remember who this was about? No.

If you're wondering about such a random short paragraph, it has to do with the short descriptive paragraphs a writing teacher had my class do every week. It was kind of a warm up exercise.

I almost forgot

If gentlemen prefer blondes... where is my gentleman?

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

Suprisingly no, this is not going to be me obsessing over Tiffany's again. Instead, I'm going to be obsessing over one of the best movies of all time. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Darlings, it's iconic, it's Marilyn Monroe at her finest, if you have never witnessed this then, you must see it immediately. There are lines in it like "I just love finding a new place to wear diamonds." As well as flashy musical numbers. Monroe plays the charming ditzy blonde who's in it for the money and her friend plays the brunette party girl that is in it for the...well they had to refer to sex far more subtly back then. Suffice it to say that the "Olympic team" (really a bunch of dancers who are far to good looking to be straight) is one of the highlights of the movie.

Anyhow, the movie is the fantastic end to a fantastic day. It has been one of those rare days where I've accomplished everything I wanted to for once.

It's a wonderful feeling.

Hyde... fuck yeah

I have nothing to say except that I just saw an episode of That 70s Show and in a total flash back I have transfered half my affections to Danny Masterson.

Is any fantastic Federal politician hiring right now?

Ok I'm watching Peter Mansbridge right now. I should be reading a newspaper or something, but I can't because I'm getting stupider by the day. Anyhow, as we all know I'm out of school, cooling my heels and waiting for the damn strike to end. There's not a whole lot going on with my life, I'm ashamed to say that my studies aren't just slipping, they've full-on stopped. I would rather clean stuff and go to the gym. Thats actually going really well. But here's the point, Ottawa is the place to be right now. Our politics are getting super exciting with this potentail coalition, maybe even more exciting then in the states. I want to be in Ottawa for the "Coup" if there is one! Can anyone hook me up?

two blogs in one night? WHAT?

Ok, So clearly I'm hyped up on something. If cocaine feels like this then I'll pass. My family says, Laura, go to the gym. I don't know if it'll work but its worth a try. What I really wanted to write about tonight though, was The Daily Show. Anne Hathaway was on it and I have to say, I love her. How did such a sweet girl wind up with a guy who claimed to financially represent the Vatican? But far more important then my love for Anne is my love for John Stewart. I know what you all are saying, "He's too old Laura. He has a family Laura. He's super-smart, rich and famous with millions of groupies." Listen all you nay-sayers, our love is pure! Our love has no bounds. When I'm not swooning over his salt and pepper wavy hair or that sardonic half-smile he's always wearing, I'm grinning with sheer delight, and yes, even chuckling occasionally at his jokes. Of course, I'm also fantasizing about him, me a candy bikini and that studio set of his... once everyone has gone home. TMI? I don't care. Now folks, since I have so much free time on my hands, I'm going to be delving back in to the realm of creative writing. I haven't seriously "been there" since grade 12 in high-school, under the tutelage of Mrs. Diamond. Anyhow, I'm bringin' the creative writing back. Normally political science doesn't allow much in the way of creative leeway, however, it seems that these days, they are just begging me to become an artsy type. I have no intentions of working at a restaurant however. Weak punchline? I know. So I will be sharing little tidbits from the short story I hope to write, maybe even get feedback on the plot ans whether or not its sounding a little to harlequin-ey or like those books with a lot of discriptors designed to confuse the stupid nouveau bourgeois in to believing they're actually reading literature.

whats wrong???

I don't know why, but today I'm feeling jittery. It wasn't so bad yesterday, but last night I could barely sleep. I hovered uncomfortably between consciousness and sleep, my thoughts became dreams, which in turn became nightmares, but I was still conscious enough to say "snap out of it dude". My favourite pillow, which is flatter, was no longer making the cut if you will, my other pillow which is considerably plumper was too plump. At one point I balled up my comforter and all my throw pillows and threw myself across that. No cigar. I wanted to get up and walk around. I wanted to flip through magazines and books. I wanted to go watch the really bizarre late night television. More then anything though, I wanted to sleep. I was awake when everyone else started to get up. More then awake really. Usually I feel pretty groggy first thing in the morning, but not this time. Oh no, what I really wanted to do was get up and take up running. I've failed at it before, but this time I was sure I would get it. I would run to the YMCA, do some laps in the pool, come home and finally get some shut eye. I had a cable guy to wait for though. So instead I drank some coffee, which made things worse, read a book, which made things worse, and tried to trick myself in to eating, which made things worse.

Its like my body is doing a total 180, usually, I'm hungry and tired. Today, food would equal more energy. If I had more energy I would explode!

What the hell is wrong with me?? Anyone know?

To Do

I've been wondering about my reluctance to, you know, actually accomplish anything right now. It's admittedly pretty bad. So I'm going to write up a to do list for the week. Including some major projects, scrubbing the floors, doing the laundry, cooking dinner and transcribing recipes in to the recipe book I got for my mom a couple of Christmases ago. I'm really disappointed in the place where I'm supposedly working, I have emailed them twice, they haven't responded, so I guess I'm looking for a job. If anyone knows a pool thats hiring lifeguards in Toronto please let me know!

yay blogs and david sedaris!

Woo-hoo! So, since monday, I have made my way through 2 books and half way through the third. The first two books were, in my opinion, pretty awesome. The first one was the awesomest, because its totally my thing. I read: The Rick Mercer Report Paperback Book! Yes! If you don't know who Rick Mercer is and you're Canadian, shame on you! I didn't say you have to like him, I said you have to know him. If you're American, he's kind of like John Stewart or Stephen Colbert except funnier. Also his humor is uniquely Canadian, so while you could youtube him I doubt you Americans would get it. You may also be a little offended by his talking to Americans segment. But before you get your patriotic panties in a twist please remember, we live beside the most arrogant and powerful nation in the world, if we didn't laugh at you we would have to find a way to kill you. The second book had its ups and downs, its called Waiter Rant, it was based on the author's blog.

Its not that he's a bad writer, its just that so many of his flaws are also my own, and he wound up waiting tables well in to his late thirties, I mean sure he got a book deal and found somthing else to do, but still, it makes me antsy.

The last one that I'm reading right now is David Sedaris's When Engulfed in Flames. At the outset I found it a little hard to get in to, which was too bad really because I have read nothing but good about this book, maybe I'm just not sophisticated enough to get it.

In other news, and this is the best news of all, I have 4 lbs of the best hand-made chocolate in Canada, if not the world, sitting in my freezer waiting to be devoured by my family on Christmas day. I'm not going to lie the suspense is killing me. To help myself along with the suspense I got some humbugs and peanut brittle from the same company. If they weren't so nicely gift-wrapped I would have already taken a chocolate or two and moved the other around to hide the hole. I got 4 boxes when I only actually need two (one for Grandpa and one for Mom, my dad thinks chocolate is a lame gift, as does my sister) so I will probably be busting one of those extra suckers in... oh... about 2 hours. Lets just say my plans for this evening involve getting hungry with a couple of my girlfriends without actually, you know, exerting ourselves.

Ok here's my last little bit. As you all know, I'm more or less perpetually single, probably because I think I'm the shit, though maybe not, it seems to work for men. Anyhow, in spite of my single status, people ask me for advice. I'm lucky that thus far it hasn't actually led anyone astray. But this is what I'm hearing a lot of: "Oh my GOD Laura, you've got to help me, I have no idea what the fuck to get for______ (fill in the blank.)" This question is usually from, the newbies if you will. The people that have been together for under a year. They're conflicted, many of them would like to buy something super-extravagent as the ultimate statement of love, but alas we are all students. The other thing I'm hearing (from the guys) is a way more cautious approach. It seems like a lot of men don't want to set the bar too high. Jewelry, (as in the good stuff not the crap from ardenes, or even the slightly more upper-scale gold or silver PLATED jewelry) is totally out of the question in their minds, since its clearly setting the bar pretty damn high. Ok I see where you're coming from, but just to clarify, if you buy a girl jewelry she is not going to expect it for every single occasion from now until when you guys break-up... I swear!

However, I think I have a solution that will satisfy both my sentamentalists and my under-achievers. A gift that shows you care. Now I see people scratching their heads, what does that MEAN Laura, and here we arrive at one of the fundamental differences between men and women. Women like stuff they can't use but that makes them feel special, hence the appeal of jewelry, men like stuff they can use. So for the caring stuff, for girls I can see a bunch of insanely cute gifts given over a date: A nice mug w/ hot chocolate mix + a small bottle of bath bubbles, a gift card for a manicure at her fave place (usually around 20$ guys), something small for her pet or child if she has one, and of course something that says: I get you, a DVD that suits her, a mixed cd of all of "your songs" + ones you'll know she'll love a vintage pair of earings like the ones Audrey Hepburn wears in THAT scene of THAT movie that she loves. I know that this is really detailed stuff, but a gift should never be totally generic, polish it off with a great note or card and you're in business.

Ladies, shopping for a guy can be difficult. It's really tempting to just get him nice clothes that he'll never wear or some lingerie for you to wear (a double present really) it's also tempting to get him something really sentimental, like a scrap book of all the special moments you shared... which he may look at once but will wind up in the bottom of his closet for safe keeping. Now the clothing idea isn't half bad actually, (see above about guys liking practical gifts) but I suggest practical AND fun, or sometimes just fun. Tickets to a hockey game, a year long subscription to a beer of the month club, barbecuing accessories... a new golf club... a super awesome home-cooked meal. Once again, find a way to make it personal. Oh! I know, a manly cook book (Gordon Ramsey is manly, Nigella is so awesome men can't handle her) a cook book is a gift that keeps on giving. Actually I think books are awesome presents, but I make this suggestion with some trepidation, remembering my time in highschool where during "reading period" the guys would scramble for the sports section of the newspaper because they quite simply, did not read.

things...

Well, I had a headache today. Advil did squat. I don't waste time with tylenol. The only thing that actually helped was... surprisingly a stiff drink. My headaches was the product of two things, my bad posture and a serious amount of tension. You know its bad when you can feel knots under your scalp. (Its not something people usually think about, but your head is covered in a thin web of muscle which... you know... keeps your head from falling off your neck). But yeah, that pretty much shot my day. I still went to TFS to play with the babies (lunch time supervisor en francais) and I made an attempt to study, but I didn't go swimming the way I wanted to, nor did I get my flu shot.

There's another project that I had set up for today. It's a small thing, but it's one of those feel-good things. Last night, I was thinking about postsecret which is an absolutely fabulous blog to read. Anyhow, I love how people sometimes leave secrets in the books (the postsecret books) rather then send them in to that dude. The blog has a bunch of other little initiatives like that. So, I decided to do my own little take on things, I wrote up 10 one sentence anonymous notes to put in books in Chapters and the library today. But my headache held me back... LAME I know.

I'm also seriously thinking of starting a love advice blog. No I'm not kidding. Yes I know that I'm also single, perpetually, usually by choice tho sometimes not. Anyhow, I'm starting to notice that having a vagina has automatically made me qualified in How Women Think. I have answered questions like: how do you know when a girl likes you? What should you get a new girlfriend for christmas? Does she like it when I do THAT? I know which of my guy friends are vanilla about sex, I know which ones think threesomes involve "lots of waiting for the other chick" and I know which ones think that sniffing their laundry is an acceptable way to tell which ones are clean. Anyhow, I think that some guys need a place to ask what they're too embarrassed to ask their mothers. But then, lets face it Im not actually terribly relationship qualified. I can always poll my friends though!

Christmas is coming!

So in case you didn't know, York is on strike and I'm overwhelmed with free time. (Actually I still have a ton of work to do, but my life is lacking in structure right now) So I've been spending a great deal of my free time thinking about what to get people for Christmas. For one brief moment of madness I wanted to get everyone something from Tiffany's and spend the next year and a half trying to pay down my credit card debt, but the moment has passed and I realize that I'm not quite at the Tiffany's place in my life right now. (I know, I'm obsessed, shaddup) So I'm kind of toying with the notion of getting everyone MY favourite things, namely books and chocolate. Think about it, nothing says Christmas like candy (baby Jesus who?) and a good book is the gift that just keeps on giving. Just to keep people from thinking I'm totally boring and unoriginal I'm going to have to mix it up a little, some jewelry here, some the Body Shop there, you know, that kind of thing. But in all seriousness, I think I've hit upon the perfect combination for the people I really love, since most of them have literary tendancies anyways.

Anywhoodle, the other thing I'm thinking about, the thing that's really bugging me is how am I going to bring structure back in to my life. How do housewives do it I wonder? I know that I have tasks to do, but there's nothing to make me do it. Nothing would make me happier right now then finding a cure for my apathy. I would love to go for a swim or a brisk walk. I would love to be fascinated by the evolving purpose of the British government, but the reality is, this just doesn't seem to be happening right now. So what is a girl to do? Lets give it an hour, in an hour I'm going to get up from the couch, put on nicer clothes and go see the YMCA about a one month gym membership so that I don't have to cross the picket line, and I'll bring a swim suit with me, then I'll head over to the public library at bayview village and do some reading there, after that I will reward my lack of apathy with a browse through chapters! yay! (Plus I'll do some Xmas shopping while Im there!) then I'll walk home, do some tidying and maybe look up some recipes I can cook this week.

Yes! I write about my unproductiveness and suddenly I'm productive! Love it.

a new job!

A new year, A new job! How exciting. I know, neither have started yet, but its what I have to look forward to. That's right folks, I have landed another AA job for a politician. This is super exciting. By AA I mean admin assistant FYI. I've had this kind of job before, it can be dull. It kind of depends on your employer. However, working for a politician has its perks, my personal favourite is lots and lots of phone calls. This might not seem like a good thing to most people but it is. For two reasons: 1# it breaks the monotony. The complaints are varied, they come in different styles, from the polite "we thought you should know our garbage hasn't been picked up in 6 weeks" to the hysterical "our neighbour's boyfriend is parked ILLEGALLY for the second fucking time in a row! If you do not fix this problem immediately I will make SURE that the mayor knows! No I will not fucking speak to the boyfriend first you asshole, I want the person elected to represent me who is being paid by my fucking tax dollars to fix the problem." So, yes, ahem, phone calls do indeed break the monotony. Reason # 2 is perhaps my perversity. Yes I am a cynic, I am a cynic about love, sometimes about human nature, I'm definitely a cynic about bankers; stock brokers and the market in general, but for some strange reason I still see politics as the ultimate higher calling. Usually the people who become politicians could be making more, it would be easier for them to work their way steadily up the corporate or legal ladder (or whatever) but instead they choose the tiring, arduous task of being a politician. Why? Well, sometimes its exciting. Its often thought provoking. A few noble souls feel that it is the best way to give back to their country/province/city, and lots of people see it as one big game. I know that doesn't sound terribly reassuring. Both sides are in it to win, but where does that leave the voters? To me, the most exciting thing about it all is that politics is the ultimate agent of change. If you have an Obama-esque vision, really the only way to bring it about is through politics!

Channelling strength

I was originally going to bitch about a few things that happened this weekend that really pissed me off. But then i decided there is something better to write about, strength.

Today my mom went through her jewelry, she tidied it and sorted it, she got rid of some things and gave me a few things. She lent me a few bangles and a Coco Chanel-esque string of pearls (fake darlings, she's nice but she's not THAT nice). Anyways, tidying her jewelry is no mean feat, she has two jewelry boxes and three drawers full of the stuff. I love going through her stuff. There's so much history. Her most prized possessions are not neccessarily the most valuable ones, the valuable ones were usually pieces she bought when she was single and therefore a wealthy woman. Her most prized pieces are the ones that belonged to her mother.

I'm wearing one of my mom's rings right now and I'm thinking about why heirlooms are so important to people. It reminds me of her, and it reminds me of her strength. She is one of those people who never let circumstances bring her down. I hope I can be that strong someday.

fearless shows yay!

Ok this is something that the Women's network seems to specialize in and I love it. Shows like How to Look Good Naked and What not to Wear make the women in the show feel good and thus me by proxy. Of course, it means I have to put up with awkward vagisil commercials and board game commercials (signs of the recession 101) but seriously these shows are awesome. They specialize in body confidence in a short period of time. Sometimes it doesn't work, once I saw a skinny girl on What Not To Wear who was having trouble with clothes because she felt "top-heavy" the women was probably 120 pounds with a b-cup, so she clearly had other issues at work. However, these shows are great for women with "general" low self-esteem. Lets face it, no one is perfect and we have RIDICULOUS body pressures on us that are created in part by society and the media etc. These shows kind of counter that. The group of women that they help the most are those that seem to have given up, They wear drab shapeless clothes, and they wear their hair long and tied up like the member of some strict sectarian religion. They wear little makeup, don't deal with their eyebrows and oh My GOD I could go on. (If you've seen me lately you're saying Laura you are a fucking hypocrite you're eyebrows are a mess) To me, the most painful part of this is the fact that SOOOOOOO many of these women are MOMS.

Does this mean, when I'm a mom I'm going to stop wearing nice clothes? I doubt it, my mother gets her hair done regularly, has immaculate makeup and knows the importance of a good suit. I think a huge part of that, is the fact that she has a life outside of her family. Its true, in my recent recollection I have seen at least 4 women on this show who, in spite of their jobs say that they are a mom first so it doesn' matter what they look like. I kinda feel bad for their husbands, but I feel worse for them. You have a child so suddenly you don't have any value beyond that child? Wake up ladies, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of another human.

Actually, that's one of the areas about my mom that does frustrate me. I wish she would go to the gym more. It has nothing to do with her weight. The woman has blood pressure problems, a whole slew of immune system problems, and she's getting to an age where she should be thinking about bone density and muscle mass. But no, she puts her career and family first, not her health.

Please, please take care of yourselves first ladies. In looking after yourself you're making sure you'll be arond for a long time to look after your family, career and other interests.

let it snow!

When I woke up this morning, my mother told me it was going to snow. "Are you going out today Laura?"

"Doubt it" (groggily) "Why?'"

"Well it's going to snow today. If you go out bundle up."

"What the hell! Its going to snow today? What's wrong with the weather this year?" I stared at her with accusing eyes. Like it was her fault. "Well if its going to snow, I'm definetely not going out. I don't have boots to wear."

"Fine sweetie. I just thought you should know."

"K thanks Mom. Bye. I love you"

As you can see. Today did not start on a good note. I've been dreading the snow. Last year, my boots were suede. Pretty, but not waterproof. I have a tough time finding a hat that's normal university garb, keeps my ears warm and is relatively fashionable. I also have a penchant for leather gloves. (I know, I could wear a whole cow during the winter. (sorry if I just grossed out a whole ton of vegetarian people)) Also, its way to early for snow. This is as bad as the Christmas commercials. Yes I love them, and I love that sephora and bayview village are already playing the Christmas tracks, but the real question is, am I going to be sick of Christmas by the time Christmas comes around?

I was studying in the living room when the first flakes started to fall. They were hesitant, drifting down from the cold grey sky furtively like they knew they weren't welcome. Soon it picked up. I moved on to yoga. Contorting myself and breathing hard, I watched as they started to fall down in earnest. Sometimes buffeted by a cold breeze, but more often then note they made their way to the ground softly. I had to admit it was pretty. My body was shaking from my yoga practice, so I rolled up my mat and went upstairs for a hot shower. When I came out, the world was blanketed. It's still snowing. My favourite part of a snow storm is right now. The world is absolutely peaceful. The roads and sidewalks are still pristine. The falling snow is only visible in street lights. When I look outside on a night like tonight, in spite of my cynicism I feel like the world is a good place. I feel a kind of anticipation for that time of the year when I feel that maybe, just maybe we can eradicate poverty, achieve world peace, gender parity, racial parity and cure AIDS and cancer. Just maybe.

Happy snow folks, happy snow.

Can someone please tell me why?!

Actually, I already know the answer! I just don't like it. Its because, when it comes to gettin' shit done... I am my own worse enemy. It's because I don't want to fail. SO I make myself fail. I feel like I'm running in circles... How lame is that? On top of being lame, it is TIRING! And it gives me those big, mean, I-can't-believe-I-just-made-myself-sick headaches! I think I may have to bust out my therapy notebooks and do some cognitive exercises+ some yoga. I'll let y'all know!

the facts miss, nothing but the facts.

Fact #1: the weather affects my mood. Let me explain the problem about November. It lacks the lustre of October, the leaves have all changed colour and fallen to the ground where they are now decomposing in to brown sludge. It rains, constantly. The rain is not the pleasant rain of spring that practically smells like things growing. It is dark cold sleet that makes me want to go back to bed or sit pensively and read Victorian dramas in front of a roaring fire place. When it's sunny out like today, the sunlight is weak and the air is worse than nippy. As a result, I don't like November. It makes me cranky. Not only is it really cold, but its too soon to get in to the holiday spirit... Santa Claus parade be damned.

Fact #2: Apparently, nothing cures my November doldrums like online window shopping. Specifically Tiffanys. I know, its incredibly materialistic and sad. But nothing brings a sparkle to my eye or a glow to my cheek like pretty trinkets in that evocative blue box. Coming in a close second is that particular brand of Holt Renfrew pink. (For those Americans out there, Holts is like the Canadiand version of Saks) But yeah, back to Tiffanys, I suggest you go to their website and start at the hearts page. If that doesn't restore your faith in romance then you may as well be a dead fish for all the feeling you've got, thats right, not a cold fish, a dead one.

A more cynical person might say: Tiffany's; helping men get laid since 18-something-or-other. I say: Tiffanys; helping people fall in luuuuuuuurve since 18-something-or-other. Now ladies, the way I see it, there has never been a better time to be single. Come Christmas, you will not have your hopes disappointed by your cheap ass boyfriend and you can take the money you would have spent on a man and buy yourself the Tiffany's what-have-you that he's to cheap to get. When my Grandpa gives me my annual check, well any other year it would go towards jewelry or clothing, and this year especially it would go towards Tiffany's but I'm afraid its going towards my Spring Break.

ciao,
back to my urban aboriginals article. The topic is not as exciting as it sounds.

monday goals

I have lots of them. I mean lots. You should see my to do list, its scary. I'm going to read, tidy, do outlines write cover letters, do yoga, eat healthy and drink lots of water. And the stuff I'm reading. Let me tell you, its not light. I have to finish off my Plato (I know! Its been months) I have to read to articles on the urbanization of Aboriginals and an article on Africa. SO, if anyone has a suggestion on how to read copiously while staying awake, please let me know. I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who gets bored quickly with all of those academics who get such a kick out of showing off their vocabularies.

Also the yoga. The yoga is key. Some people don't like yoga, they get bored, they feel it isn't doing anything what have you. Find something that helps you unwind and burns calories. Thats what yoga does for me. Its the perfect exercise, and on top of that I can do it until I'm 80.

The whole eating healthy thing? I don't know why but it is so much easier when I have more time, so I'm going to work it!

yay, my first strike week where I actually have time!

I am remiss

Its been a while. Well actually only a couple of days but I'm still remiss. I have a question: why would you go out on a miserable and rainy night like tonight, when you can be at home watching the Godfather. Its been an eventful couple of days. I got a filling, I got the most fantastic pair of skinny jeans ever. We're talking 150 dollar fantastic. Oh I know, totally unjustifiable right? well let me put it this way, do you know how hard it is to find skinny jeans when you have an actual ass and hips? Anyways, I found a pair and its awesome. I can't afford them, but money is in the mail people, wiping dirty faces and zipping up coats and being VERY VERY VERY enthusiastic for a whole week is going to pay off soon.

Ok well I'm not really payingattention to what Im writing, so its pretty lame.

I'll bounce back tomorrow I swear.

I just keep posting and posting and posting

You know what I've realized? I've forgotten how to flirt! I don't know when it happened or why. Maybe I'm just going through a dry spell or I'm feeling more insecure, but all I know is that I used to be so quick on my feet and now I'm not. I felt shy and stupid today, and I'm starting to reminisce and I realize that I've been this way for at least a year now! I blame technology. Bring the flirt back man, bring the flirt back.

hodge podge

One of my friends IMed me the other day and said every time I read your blog I love you even more... or something to that effect. Unfortunately I was having dinner and I didn't get a chance to follow up.

Anyways that is neither here nor there.

I think that this post is going to be a hodge podge. Thats where my mind is right now. Do you know how I spent my day? I spent my day with 16 four year olds. I spent my day wiping dirty faces, cuddling, carrying 8 coats and three lunch bags while children found places on my body to hold on to. I spent my day trying to think of creative ways to get the kids to walk down the hall in something close to a line... we totally killed and burried the soldiers routine and the kids don't believe that fish swim in a straight line. I read stories in expressive voices and then made up other stories. I got blood on my hands (what would my lifeguarding instructor say!!) when one of the kids had a nose bleed. I cuddled another kid for a solid hour and my cos and I got those 16 kids in and out of swim suits ON TIME. (No one wore their underwear underneath their suits this time either... BONUS) My hair is a mess, my glasses are dirty and I haven't worn makeup in days! I'm pretty short on sleep to.

Anyways, all that said! I'm off to bed. (very early)

do as I say, not as I do

I'm beginning to wonder at the peversity of human nature. The next time your with a three year old, just for kicks, tell him or her for no apparent reason, not to bang their heads against the wall. If their parents walk in on this social experiment it really is a totally legit warning. Now count how many times they try to defy your orders and bang their heads against the wall. I've been thinking about this a lot. On the one hand sometimes I feel like we become the total opposite of our parents. Case in point: our parents were the hippie generation, sex, drugs and rock and roll. My generation is the new capitalism. Consumer-driven greedy kids (depressing no?). On the other hand, I feel like we become the same. For example, I didn't come by my love of tidiness randomly, oh no. Or another thing... why as some one who is the product of a perfectly functional marriage am I so pessimistic about the whole institution in general.

Anyways, I don't know why I'm writing about this. I think its to help clear up my thoughts a little bit. My mind is just a hodgepodge of all kinds of crap right now.

Long story short: I'm spending the next few days working at a day camp to earn money during the strike. Silver lining folks.

I must post before the madness ensues

As soon as my mom gets home from visiting her dad things are going to get crazy! Actually I exagerate, as is my wont. But yes, my parents have volunteered to cohost a neighbourhood.... drinking party... meet and greet? I actually don't know what the occasion is, all I know is that this is not the way I envisioned spending my Sunday. It actually won't be too bad. We're in charge of the cheese. Easiest and least fun thing ever. And just to be even more cliched we are decorating the cheese platter with grapes! Grapes! I know... its out of my hands. Anywho, I'm going to be gettin' the laundry done hopefully before my mom gets home, so that she doesn't unleash the crazy. THEN I'm going to read. Yes, its now my life. I'm arguably the least productive reader I know. In fact, I often go through whole semesters without cracking open a book (that I'm supposed to read that is, a novel on the other hand...) But this year is my year of change baby! This is the year that I'm going to be different. Since I'm writing about it in cyberspace it must be true.

Ok, there is one last teensy weensy thing I would like to discuss. I think I've come up with a rewards system. My parents have always believed that good grades and a healthy lifestyl are rewards enough on their own... Yes I see where they're coming from, but I've never entirely bought it. SO, I'm going to start bribing myself. A new pair of jeans here, a rental designer bag there, an occasional manicure. But only if I've done something exceptional. For example, if I go an entire week without a stress induced headache because I've been working hard AND doing my yoga, then I have earned a... whatever, I'll need to set up an actual rewards system. I'll let y'all know how that goes. Some people need an added incentive to reinforce good behaviour and I think I'm one of them! (Or maybe I just want an excuse to buy shit)

just for fun

I'm going to try and post every day. Hopefully the strike at York will allow me to do so AND catch up on all my readings.

Anyways, in case you haven't noticed, we are well in to fall. I dragged my butt out last night in spite of the rain to have supper with one of my besties. My only complaints were that supper was too short and the wine didn't have enough character for that kind of pasta.

PASTA, thats right. There is no food that I long for more in the colder months then pasta. Though I admit just about anything hot and sweet, and the occasional bowl of squash soup can give pasta a run for its money. What seems more perfect on a miserably cold and damp night then pasta drenched in a cream and wine sauce, maybe with some chicken or maybe some sea food and of course some winter vegetables tossed in as well. Accompanied by a great wine and followed up with a tarte... I'm in Heaven.

Truthfully though, there is absolutely nothing I want to do more today then bake. I was toying with the idea of shopping especially since I'm almost sure Im going out tonight and I'm equally sure that my jeans, as much as I love them are not the going out kind of jeans. They aren't dark enough and too comfy, though if we're just going to a bar what do I care. But no, today I'm going to curl up and read papers about aboriginals, China and Aristotle while eating those soft fresh from the oven melt in your mouth kind of chocolate chip cookies and I shall toy with the idea of ginger snaps and brioche.

PS I know that this is sounding a great deal like a food blog today. I confess I draw a great deal of comfort out of reading food blogs on cold wet days.

Oh Hai. I haven't been here in a while

So, since the last time I wrote something amazing happened. Not to me, to humanity! I know its a very dramtic pronouncement but so long as the US is more or less the leader (something only my love for Obama could get me to admit...) who their president is hugely important. On some level they set the standard for humanity. Anyways, Obama became president and he has bridged the deep divide, or at least he has begun to lay the foundation for bridging said deep divide. This is also huge for the fearless factor people. Why? Because Obama's victory is an affirmation! Its a Yes We Can moment. Its a for the love of GOD just get over your inhibitions already because at the worst you won't succeed (McCain anyone?) but at the best you'll be the vehicle for change moment. So yeah I'm pumped.

Anyways, I'm sorry that I haven't written before. I have been persistently ignoring my work load while sort of doing some of the reading I'm supposed to do but realistically I was spending more time on sites like Jezebel and Overheard in New York. What can I say, I'm weak. Anyways right now I have a fabulous opportunity to get back on the wagon o' good work ethic because the TAs at york have conveniently gone on strike. Normally I would be less then thrilled. Yes any excuse to chill after a stressful fucking month is a welcome one but at the same time this strike is going to wind up cutting in to my Christmas break, which is very important to me.

Christmas still makes me excited like a seven year-old every year. I can't help myself. The family, the friends, the food, the presents, the music, the old christmas movies, the trees and other decorations the snow (I hope) and on top of that my cousins are kindly all having Christmas babies, which actually means that I won't be seeing them because they won't want to travel if they're about ready to pop, but I'll know that there'll be some lil bundles of joy for me to play with come Easter.

Right, anyways that was way off topic. Anyhow I think in terms of being fearless there are two things I need to foccus on, using this stress free time to catch myself up so that I'm no longer subconsciously setting myself up for failure. (BAD mind... BAD) and... just getting myself back to overall healthy Laura, take my multivitamines, go swimming do some yoga, maybe even to a strength building kind of class, the options are limitless, but since I'm on my ass all day, if I dont get out to the gym I will go crazy and my muscles will become mushier then they already are. Never a good thing I know.

I feel that in terms of my goals I'm repeating myself a lot. Its really for the reason that there are only a couple of basic principles that I need to work on in terms of the fearlessness thing. I think the most important thing I can do right now though, is take advantage of the lull in the madness and try and rearrange my perspective a little. Make things less scary by actually doing them without the pressure of a looming deadline.

Ah to be self-employed

One of the things that I've learned from the blogging world is that, sometimes you can have your cake and eat it too. Yes folks, there are people who have the wonderful job of sifting through the internet and watching day time television and then reporting it back to us, the people that actually have to work/study for a living in a witty and anecdotal style. Its a dream, it really is. Right now its one of my three favourite "in the near future" dreams. Dream #1 is daring and enterprising, completely underpaid political aide. Changing the world by pissing off one high ranking civil servant twice my age at a time. Dream #2: Vagabond, world traveler, making money working odd jobs (read: nannying and teaching english) all the while documenting my experiences by blogging, journaling (on a brand new mac book) and taking copious pictures with the 1500$ nikon I would need for this dream. Dream #3: Intrepid blogger, on one internet beat after another. When I run out of material, I can write about the mediocre social life I would no doubt have or what Oprah said today and how it gives women unrealistic expectations. Dream big people, dream big.

Its hard to stay gloomy

Its actually almost impossible for me to stay depressed. Some people would say that's a blessing. My mother is greatly comforted by the fact that on most weekends I can be seen going around the house and doing my chores singing (albeit off key) like I'm some kind of Disney princess. The truth is I can't help it. I live with the eternal pessimist (my father) and the eternal realist (my mother) and the eternal grump (my sister). Toss in the interchanging house students who range in personality from social recluse to debonair metrosexual and I think its clear that somebody in this family has to be all giggles and sunshine. (I can see most of my friends rolling their eyes at that last statement) but the reality is that, comparatively anyways I actually have a relatively sunny disposition.

Anyways, like I said above, some people would say that my chirpiness is a blessing. Those people clearly don't have an artistic temperment. They don't get the value added of a good sulk. The appeal of walking around the house in high dudgeon. To stand by my window and stare out in to the night sky, coldly beautiful... to lie, languishing on my bed with one melancholy tear trickling down my cheek. To write reams of mediocre poetry in my journal... Ok so I'm carried away and I've read too many old romances (not the harlequin kind, the victorian kind, where the heroine is always an enormous sap)

I guess what I'm trying to say here is... Im back folks... ish!

sad fall days

the fatal combination of gloomy weather, the fact that I haven't been taking birth control for the past month (maaaad PMSing) and a potential cold brewing means that I have a bad case of the doldrums. What I really want to do is sit at home all day, nursing myself with hot tea (there's not hot chocolate... WHY God WHY) cookies, perfect slices of raisin toast with creamy salty butter melting in to its cinnamon swirl, and heaping bowls of hot pasta oozing cheese, pesto and garlic. (I haven't had breakfast yet) I crave the mellowness of soft voice women singers crooning over gentle piano melodies. I want to read my favourite blogs, start a girly novel and watch chick flicks. I genuinely need bubble baths. I cannot, under any circumstances spend too much time with people. I might get unreasonably angry with them, or start to cry. In short, I am a mess. I really should have just stayed in bed and ignored my employers when they called. But here I am, up and listening to my mellow music and eating my raisin toast. I would like to make cookies, but its not allowed. sooo saaaaaad.

out of sorts

I'm more then a little miffed. This school year is definetely not working out the way I'ld envisioned it. No not at all. I'm not getting enough reading done, I'm not seeing my friends often enough, I'm not getting things done early, I don't have a job and I haven't really been staying on top of my exercising. All that said, I'm FINALLY registered for my NLS. I put it off for as long as possible but then I realized I was really going to need to make some money before Christmas. I've also been slightly better at exercising then everything else. Maybe it's an excuse to avoid work... who knows. Anyways whatever the reason, I'm glad I'm at least taking care of my health. Though, I think what's really on my mind right now is that CL posting and how I never followed through with it. I didn't want to find love or anything but in some ways I feel limited to my program etc. when it comes to meeting people. This will require some wide awake thought. I'll have to get back to y'all

Wouldn't it be lovely!

I don't know why I'm feeling glum. Or should I say, I don't know why I WAS feeling glum. Perhaps its the inevitable onset of fall. Perhaps its the unavoidable state of singleness. Maybe I'm just pining for my friends, whom I haven't seen in weeks. Whatever the case may be, I'm cheering myself up with one of the few known cures of the doldrums. My Fair Lady! I love Audrey, I love Rex and I love musicals. I love the wild clothes. I love whoever is playing Eliza's dad, I even like that milksop of a boy who's in love with Eliza.

so its been a while....

confession #1: Today is one of my swimming days, in fact, true story (I refuse to relinquish that saying) I should be in the pool in twenty minutes. I'm currently sitting fully dressed in my freshly tidied room reading all my favourite blogs, which, for the record is no mean feat because there are around 40 of them.

confession #2: I don't care.

confession # 3: I follow a bizarre number of food blogs considering I do the least amount of cooking around the house.

confession #4: I have a penchant for travel memoirs, especially in which the author is as obsessed with a good meal as I am.

So yeah, all of that had absolutely nothing to do with anything except perhaps an explanation for why I don't feel like doing anything today. On a side note, did you know that there are now 100 million bloggers world wide? What are they all writing about? So please excuse me while I get back to imagining how delicious these foods might be without having to act on it and avoiding studying and exercising.

Palin & Thatcher: the new domnimatrix porno

I've always been fascinated by the way women polticians are portrayed in the media. They are either too weak or too cold (the female version of strong apparently). Sometimes they're portrayed as air-headed bimbos who are not serious enough to be participating in the arena of men's politics. Sarah Palin for instance is described as a cold bitch one minute and then "infantalized" by her campaign the next. Truth be told though, I would rather someone cold and calculating "thatcher-esque" in the White House then this supposed paragon the media is seeking when it comes to female politicians. Can someone please tell me exactly what it is they want anyways? Not to hard, not to soft, just right. Someone attractive naturally, couldn't have someone dowdy in office, but on the other hand, she can't look "done"... you know "freshened up" so to speak. It seems like any gaffes a woman makes in politics are not quickly forgotten, but hey, maybe thats me. The other thing is that a woman in office has become such an obsession in North America, to the point where people will vote GOP just because the running mate is a woman and regardless of platform.

Anyways, I apologize for that. It had nothing to do with anything and it was a total ramble. I will probably look back on it and wince, as I often do. On a side note, I'm questioning this blog just a tad, it seems wildly narcissistic right now which I think is ultimately a reflection of our generation and our appallingly strong self-centeredness coupled with our sense of entitlement. In short "I'm special because I've been told so since birth, and therefore the whole world should give a damn about what I say." Which in my case, is all completely true.

one last thing

Just added a "following" app to the blog. Since I want to know... if you read it click on the whole become a follower thing!

Had I known this was going to be what third year was like

I would have run! I would have been like, alright folks, y'all go enjoy you're bourgeois education so that you can have that middle class life with the white collar job, the 1.8 children and the picket fence, and a life of general mediocrity. I'm going to go become a feminist stripper in Shanghai. But no, I was not warned, so here I am, enjoying the highs and lows of my elitest education. Let me tell you folks, right now, I'm at a low point. It doesn't get much lower. Having thoroughly examined my work load, I can safely kiss my social life goodbye until Christmas (with a few-a very few- exceptions of course). On top of that, I seem to be blowing through my cash at a typical Laura rate, and while I don't doubt that my shiny new credit card will see me through the next few months, I would like a little more financial security... namely, a job. So all that said, I have decided to become a romantic hermit. I know several of my friends are going to be disappointed by this. They live in hope of me finding a man, so that we can double date, so that we can gossip out "the ol' ball and chain" , so that I'll stop complaining about the continuous, and often drunken presence of their various boyfriends, which naturally leads to continuous and often drunken makeout sessions. But alas ladies, thats how its got to be. I, declare in the presence of all net surfers, that I will hand in projects on time this year, they will be well done and I will continue on to next year, in spite of my better judgement and get this darned degree over with and get it done with honours!

I'm glad people bug me to do this

It's not that I don't want to write, I do. After all this was my idea and no one else's but for some reason I occasionally lack the inclination to write. For example, sometimes I don't get terribly excited about blogging about my "failures"... I know, imagine that. For example, I went for a job interview the other day, to be a nanny (it goes against my feminist instincts, but what can I say? I like kids) and guess what, the people were there, but their door bell was broken and they did not answer the door no matter how much I hammered on it. In fairness, I actually had a narrow escape because they lived at Queen and Lansdowne which is, an absolutely appalling commute.

In other equally depressing news I have "failed"in a couple of other ways. Way # 1: I'm already way behind in my readings, school work etc. My due dates are looming, LOOMING I tell you. So yes, I'm going to spend today and tomorrow (I spent yesterday as well) getting myself back on track.

Thing number 2: In spite all of my resolutions to be a little healthier, I have been MAD failing at that. I haven't even been taking my vitamins which is usually a total given for me. The gym pass was just bought yesterday. Still unused, natch.

Anyways,
Pray for me people. I'm gonna get back on track again I sweear!

what have I been doing with myself... fearlessly

Ok, so... I've been away for a while. Five days to be exact! Why? True story, its easier to blog obsessively about the mundane when you work in an office. (ooooh Harsh I know) What have I been up to since I'm no longer the great organizer of addresses and taker of angry constituent calls? I have been schoolin' hitting on waiters AFTER I've left (cowardly, I know) putting enticingly snarky ads about myself on craigslist (follow the link!) and fielding responses. True story, don't use craigslist unless your desperate. Lesson learned. The responses have ranged from witty, to creepy, to sad to bizarre. Example of creepy: without having seen my pic, I was offered no-strings attached sex except I would make 2000$ a week as his employee (yes I would be payrolled... I wonder if it was tax deductible). An example of the bizarre had to be one guy who responded by saying: no offense but at 5'7 and 140 you're a bit fat, don't you think its a bit strong to ask for a guy who's in good shape? Then he asked me for coffee. What a charmer. Some guys only sent pics to persuade me that way. They were admittedly way to good looking to be using craigslist. Other guys attempted humor. Some failing wildly, others making me smile, and others still making me chuckle out loud. Which was awkward when I was sitting in Vari hall at York. For example, in response to the are you in shape thing, one guy said he could throw me over his shoulder, run a mile and then collapse at the end. A good skill to have. Especially since I probably wouldn't make 200m with someone my weight over my shoulder.

Ok, so totally rambling up there. Did you notice? Are you still reading? Yay. I'm going to note a couple of things that I'm proud of right now. 1) making friends in class. Trust me, its scary. Some students are all like Ï'm her to listen to the prof"and some students just want to sit around and have a good chuckle. I'm in between. True story. So I want friends in my class. Anyways thing number 2) People are reading my blog! Often people that I don't expect. Yay Sarah (since I know you're reading this!)


Alright, so this has been barely coherent and I apologize. Its the drugs talking not me. I have a cold and I take a LOT of medicine to get through any standard bout of illness. (I know, not good) Anyways everyone, I doubt Ill be blogging again soonish because I'm leaving on Friday for my Grandpa's house, and then from there I get to see my new baby cousin! Its going to be an awesome weekend.

(PS according to blogger spell check snarky is not a word. snarky snarky snarkily snarky)

Part of me wonders why I even bother posting...

...when people write things like this!http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/mis/827398580.html

guyland... the next book I want to read

Ok, I'm not a fan of the non-fiction unless its about culture, society, politics, civil rights or feminism (with the occasional biography for shits and giggles). So, in spite of the fact that I'm gearing up for a full year of incredibly dense non-fiction (Ok realistically I'll still get through a novel every two weeks but whateves) the next book I want to read is a sociological exploration of the white middle-class male between 16-25 and why they are by and large such douches. The book is called guyland. "Feminism expects a man to be ethical, emotionally present, and accountable to his values in his actions with women — as well as with other men. Feminism loves men enough to expect them to act more honorably and actually believes them capable of doing so." thats a short quote from the author who happens to be a man. I know I'm going to love it.

Self-improvement projects abound!

Ah how we want to be perfect. Think about how unstressful our lives would be. What do you stress about on a day to day basis? Your job, you classes, your body, your friendships, your relationships, money, your house or room, and thank God I don't have kids yet because that's just one more thing to stress about! We're not perfect and never will be. Nonetheless, perfection is what we all,subconciously struggle for. No one just "settles" so let me tell you about the rash of self-improvement projects that are going around today. There's a blog that a woman is writing to describe her experience of living life according to all things Oprah for a year in an attempt to find happiness. Another woman has written a book about her life when she spends a year following the advice in magazines (mainly the magazines that cover all the bases like Self, Glamour and Cosmo). Someone else wrote a book about when he and his wife decided to have sex every single day for a year, including how it affected their relationship, the health benifits and the fact that she got pregnant as a result (YAY) What else, Eat, Pray, Love. I haven't read it yet but its about finding self-fulfillment. There are people blogging about losing weight. There are people who blog about being good parents. The web is littered with the journeys of people who are searching for happiness, perfection, fulfillment you name it, its out there.


In the same vein, I read an article about the importance of goal lists. They provide clarity, something concrete to work towards and you can break them down in to steps. I'll make goal lists for the year and goal lists for the next 10 years (stuff to do before I'm 30). I think this will be a good exercise for me. If I can break my goals in to less scary huge things I'll be more likely to accomplish them.

It happened again

A flash of clarity followed by a mini panic attack. I'm thinking of giving up TV entirely since it seems to do nothing but increase my anxiety these days. A sociologist was talking about today's youth, more specifically men, or should I say boys. More specifically he was talking about how we all had grandiose visions of our future and no idea how to get there. As a result we wind up wasting out time and futzing around in school and dead end jobs and dealing with our frustration through binge-drinking, sports watching and violent porn. Ok so those last two items may be more about the guys he was talking about and less so youth in general. You know what, he's right. So is Kanye West when he talks about the career student who stays in school to hide from the real world in his song Good Morning. (awesome song by the way) I'm writing this from my sad windowless office where I'm killing time by updating a database. This is what my life is for the two weeks until I start school again. Another year of school will go by, I will continue to maintain a mediocre GPA (actually I have some fairly high goals for myself this year but I'm being pessimistic, don't interrupt) and then once again I will be lassoed into another long, tedious, pointless office job. Oh joy. And to what end? Where is this going? What am I doing? I have a day dream that I play more or less constantly in my head these days. I see myself graduated, with pretty good marks, getting my TOEFL certificate and then taking off to Japan for a year or two. From there I'll hop around Europe either teaching English or working as an Au Pair. Occasionally I'll use the money I've managed to save and do side trips to the Middle East and Africa, maybe doing some not for profit. I want to spend somewhere between five and ten years seeing the world before I come home and get my masters in whatever. Then masters, interesting career, maybe a book or two, possibly some politics and some more not for profit tossed in to the mix. Lots of travel, lots of children and happily ever after. I really don't know how feasible or likely this is. I'm pretty sure that Kimmel, the man writing about male youth and what the Hell is wrong with them would disapprove of my lack of direction, but on the plus side he'll be glad I'm not in the work place "confusing men". (he blames feminism in part for how fucked up guys my age are these days).

a gesture of commitment

Back in the old days, when people were committed to marrying someone they committed with some gesture of wealth or money. So I think its time for a big splashy gesture that says "I Laura am committed to this project" Its important. I've more or less fallen off of the diet/exercise wagon. My motivation elsewhere in my life is totally shot. Honestly my indiference to work, my social life etc pains me. I'm in a slump, I don't know why and I don't know what to do with it. So I've had some thoughts about remotivating myself. I was looking at signing up for a boot camp in Toronto but I missed the sign up date. I would love to sign up for a yoga studio. I think a gesture of total frivolity is also appealing but I can't think of a way to justify it. Maybe when I go out I'll do something brave and stupid under the influence of alcohol. However, I think that for now I'm going to think. September has always been like a new year for me, so let me come up with a meaningful resolution which will help me confront one of those two main fears. Thoughts?

rude awakenings

I saw my future on Wednesday when I was watching TV and it wasn't pretty. I was watching Scrubs probably because I was missing my sister and its one of her favourite shows. The main character's brother was coming to visit. The main character is a medical student doing his residency (so basically a doctor) and his brother is a bartender still living with his parents. At the end of the show the brothers were having a heart to heart and confronting some of their issues. One of the most significant issues was the fact that the doctor was ashamed of his brother. I think his brother sort of saw himself as a free-spirit type, but J.D. said the reason for his crappy job and the fact that he's still living with his parents was because he was so afraid to fail he didn't want to try anything that he loved or thought he would love. When I saw the confrontation scene my mind almost exploded. The problem is I don't know how to keep myself from falling in to Dan (the brother's) pattern I know it can be done but how? I know that I'm always making up excuses for myself, justifying the things I don't like about my life and convincing myself that everything is fine. But what if its not? Am I placidly plodding along in the general direction of obscurity, boredom and uneventfulness? If so I better turn myself around because that's not how I saw myself living!

confused

Dear Hipster,
I'm confused. I no longer can tell if I'm in style or horribly gauche. You try to look artsy but often you just come off as a dirty 80s bum. The cut off pale blue jean shorts paired with torn nylons long lank hair and eye skimming bangs leave me feeling baffled. Yes you have the signature enormous slouchy bag and starbucks to let the world know that you know what your doing, but to be honest I usually just think your sloppy.

Love,
Laura

Fearless Fridays

I think any well established blog should have features, this will be a feature. Woot! Here I'm going to talk about fearless things, people etc. I'll also talk about things that make me feel fearless. How exciting.

The first thing I would like to discuss is people and they're sexual kinks. Thanks to the world wide web people can be more open and upfront then ever whilst maintaining a degree of anonymity. The best place to see the result of this is, in my opinion, Craigslist. People can be oh so upfront about what they like its actually a little bizarre. There are married couples looking for "house girls" in the romance section, which leads me to suspect that domestic duties are not all thats required. Other people want to find a young woman to "financially support" in exchanges for a few small services. But hey, at least they're honest, which in a society that is so judgemental, is pretty fearless from my perspective.

breaking down barriers: I am an avid reader of fashion magazines and one of the things that has always frustrated me beyond comprehension is their sheer hypocrasy. They nod their heads sagely and criticize the fashion industry for their skinny white models, and flipping through any major fashion magazine what are you going to see? Skinny white models. That said, Italian Vogue should be applauded for their September issue (AKA any magazine's biggest issue of the year) because that issue is a so called all black issue. Meaning that all the models are black. Yes they're still skinny and by and large they're on the paler side of the spectrum, but its still progress.

Makeup that doesn't move: summer proof make up. Total confidence. Need I say more?

mmmm thats it folks.

Lost in transition

I totally posted something yesterday and its not there! I think the blog gremlin ate it. Anywho, it was a totally unimportant little pat on the back for going to the gym. I have a plan! This is the plan. I want to keep this job so that I can stay in funds and enjoy my year! So, in order to keep this job I need to work extra hard and prove to my boss that I'm actually stellar. Considering that this work is so simple a five year old could do it you'ld think that wouldn't be a problem right? Enter boredom! THe thing that makes us forget we had other ambitions aside from making it through this day awake. "Money pays for all the days we live away but half asleep" says The Primitive Radio Gods So I'm just going to repeat to myself "Italy" over and over again and make it my new mantra, because my darling but now foreign friend Yuko and I are desperately hoping to meet up in the land of pasta and fashion at some point in December. (One wonders, on a side note, how it is that fashion and pasta go so well together in Italy but sadly not elsewhere) This is of course, if and ONLY if the people who are singlehandedly financing my education (my parents) agree. This will probably entail me making a contribution as well as me getting acceptable grades. Oh the pressure!

so I haven't done anything scary in a while...

It's true, I haven't done anything truly terrifying in a while, so today will be the day. I'm going to the gym. Thus far I've been happy with walking and the occasional little work out at home. Today I'm making the first actual honest to goodness commitment to getting my ass in to shape. I have a couple of things that will hopefully motivate me. The first is my traditional back to school shopping trip wich I tend to do towards the end of September, when it's actually cold enough to wear fall clothes. The second thing is much more serious. Around the same time I'm going to get requalified for my bronze cross and hopefully continue on my way to getting my lifeguard qualifications. In the past, the thing that's always kept me from succeeding is lack of strength. I make the timed swim just fine, but keeping people's heads out of the water and eventually lifting someone simulating unconsciousness has always been tricky for me. Not this time! When I finally did pass it was because I spent weeks practicing every day. Hopefully this time will be the same. Another reason for working out a little more is tension and tiredness. I remember (vaguely) when I was in my best shape and I more or less bounded out of bed to greet the new day, I just felt healthier and exuberant about it. Who doesn't want that? The tension is another factor, I really want my back and neck to get a little more movement and loosen up! So hopefully I'll go to the gym as often as possible and join a yoga studio (I'm going to sign up after work today) and by the end of August I'll feel wonderful!

Things we love

Oh the list is long. But I think I should share a couple of "fearless" things that I'm in to right now as a way to close off the week. Fearless thing number one: Friends. A good friend should be able to bolster your confidence and help you achieve things that you wouldn't normally do. Number 2: liquor! Kidding... sort of. Number 3: Self-help literature. I kid you not. Specifically my new favourite, every girl on the planet should read this book: He's Just not that in to you. The best part of this book is that it takes the agony and second guessing out of relationships and boys which is, in my opinion, incredibly liberating and confidence boosting. As the authors say, you'll find the one, just not him. True story. Number 4: Spray in shampoo. Because nothing gives me anxiety like greasy roots. And finally number 5: Shopping. Seriously, just one new thing and I feel that much perkier. Better yet get something thats a little more adventurous then what you normally wear. That way you get fearless and confidence-boosting wrapped in to one!

can't think of a title

So here's a question: does my overwhelming desire to feed runway models stem from the fact that I hate to see creatures suffer or from secret jealousy that my clothes don't skim gracefully over my jutting bones.

That actually has nothing to do with anything, all I know is that high fashion mags make me cringe.

On another note I've been thinking about taking up creative writing again. Not in any large way per se. More of an occasional short story or vignette. Because writing is something that I'm good at, sort of, but not incredible, so while I wouldn't be failing exactly I'll probably never measure up to my own standards and in time I need to learn to be ok with that. Besides from a practical perspective I really need to work on my technique. I have a tendancy towards the melodramatic which probably stems from my slightly victorian vocabulary and my very, very dry major. (In other words my essays are not exactly a creative outlet) I read a ton which means that occasionally at least, I read "the best" or "the masters" of literature, and every time I finish a book that belongs to the literary canon, I sigh, half with satisfaction that something so wonderful has been created and half with envy at the dizzying heights of that author's writing... something I can never aspire to.


See what I mean about melodrama?

On another note, the fun and fearless new hair cut has its downside, I blew it out as best I could last night and straightened it this morning but my hair had its heart set on soft 1940's waves and I wanted a sleek and modern bob which I would tousle ever so slightly to keep from looking to polished. It had humidity and the remanants of a perm on its side, I had styling tools and lots of hairspray on mine, in the end we achieved a compromise which we both hate. Such is life.

Finally, I would like to share one of my greatest failings. I may obsessively read blogs, listen to my ipod, send text messages and do all those other things that are typical of my generation, but I am a serial email ignorer. As a result, all those little reminders sent to me by self.com and glamour.com in regards to my too lifestyle "makeovers" have been rather systemically ignored. I may even check them someday. Oops? Who needs to be organized and diet jump-started anyways?

I get grumpy when I can't have bacon on my burger

So, if the name doesn't say it all, and if my past "anti-diet" post didn't, I'm not a big fan of diets. However, in an effort to be a little more aware of my dietary habits, and make sure that I'm consuming healthy amounts of fruits and veggies, I decided to keep a record of my eating habits. TOTALLY a bad idea. I'm pretty sure it's a hop skip and a jump away from counting calories, and calorie counters are the next door neighbours of eating disorders. Not to mention the whole thing is very very scary, but scary in a way I don't want to persue. Now, let me confess, it gave me a little insight in to the hard core dieter's mind, and I almost saw the appeal. Scary I know. But to people like me, control is very tempting. There is SO little in our lives that we can control. We can't control the people around us, or our work, income etc. We don't have control when disaster strikes, and based on the newspapers, disaster strikes several times a day. So why not take control of something deeply personal, what we eat, how much we exercise, and thus our weight.

So, originally I thought I was doing the cop out thing. In the back of my head I was thinking "come on, this isn't for real, you just want to live the way you always live and not feel guilty." I'll never fully silence that voice in my head. Instead I'm going to respond with, yes and no. Yes, I want to live with a little less guilt. Women are laden with guilt. We're programmed that way. If we some how fall short of our own expecations we feel guilty, it's even worse when we disappoint others. But also, I do want to live and eat more healthfully. I think that I have made a good change in my life. I had a burger and fries for lunch but I have yogurt and almonds waiting as my afternoon snack. I walk a LOT and I try to do some yoga a few times a week.

So yeah, that part of my life seems to be going really well. BUT(!) other parts not so much. Yes I'm still scared of people in general really. That whole fear of rejection thing. Just because I've now made friends with the girl down the hall does not mean I'm about to make friends with the really hot guy down the hall. Soo for my darling friends who read without responding, (you know who you are) lets give Laura some fun and exciting challenges for the near future!

why yes I DO in fact have a fun and fearless new haircut

AHHHHH! Its so good. I love gay south Koreans. A rare breed though they may be. My hair dresser assured me that everything I envisioned was in fact achievable and also would look good on my face. That like never happens. Anyways, I think its a style that can be both sleek and professional, young and fun and saturday morning style relaxed. Life is good. Thought I wold share.

So Im a little torn here

I really don't know what to do! My heart really wants to go to Caribana but my head doesn't want me to go by myself. I know that if I was truly being fearless I would go anyways and have a great time, but realistically I want to go with my friends. It seems however that the vast majority of my friends are either busy or disinterested. Decisions, decisions. OH! I almost forgot to mention, things are getting better in the office. I'm going out for lunch today with that girl. Now if only I could work up the guts to talk to that cute boy in the office next door! Oh well. Baby steps here people. If I can make friends I can talk to ridiculously good looking guys, just maybe not yet.

I'm doing this sooner then expected

I went to say goodbye to my mom this morning before my daily walk to the subway station. She has the luxury of driving so she can leave at least half an hour later then me. This morning was a little different though, usually she adjusts some aspect of my outfit, tells me to stand up straight and scrunches my hair. This morning she looked and me and wrinkled her forehead looking faintly distressed. "You should just cut it" she said in frustration "Really?!" I almost shrieked with happiness. You see, I have slightly longer then shoulder length curly blond hair, but here's the thing, my curls aren't natural. I've had a perm for the past 4 years and I'm starting to get more then a little bored. Plus, in my opinion, my hair is starting to look more then a little damaged. I've been dying to lop it off and start from the very beginning. I want to go back to my natural hair texture and in order to do that I'm inevitably going to have to cut it short, which is something I'm actually quite excited for. Why? You may ask. So many reasons. Reason #1 is totally practical. Short hair is just easier. I've had it before, I know. It takes mere seconds to dry and style and it keeps me cool throughout the day. Reason # 2 its fearless. No I'm not making this up. Have you ever watched TLC's What Not To Wear? After all of that shopping what happens next? These ladies, who by and large have long, unkempt, shapeless, mousy looking hair get this dramatic cut. Its the one thing they're scared of they keep on saying. Its true. Women are by and large foolish. They use their long hair as a security blanket, they automatically equate long hair with beauty and this silly concept is, if anything, encouraged by the men in their lives. I actually had a guy friend tell me after I grew my hair out that it was way better then that butch thing I had going on. Let me be the first to admit that my last short hair cut kind of sucked. It was totally my hair dresser's fault. But this time I'm going to do some serious research and find the perfect hair cut for me, and the perfect hair dresser. I'm not going to be talked in or out of anything. Its going to be my way or nothing. And I am sooooooo excited!

oh my goodness

I feel tired and harassed and very, very unfearless. I'm slouching in my chair and my ass hurts from being stuck here for so long, I have a headache that is the combined result of the absence of caffeine in my blood and sheer boredom. Right now I'm having a "who really gives a fuck" kind of day. Everyone has them, I know I'm in a slump and really the best thing to pull myself out would be doing some small scary little thing. Actually I already tried that this morning. While the TTC was malfunctioning I eye-flirted a little with one guy but it never progressed. I think that what I really need to do is commit to a couple of interesting activities and maybe some volunteer time. Why is that fearless you may ask? Well the only really scary thing about some new activities and volunteering my time is the fact that it puts me in new social situations where I'm forced to meet people! Scary I know. I'll look in to a yoga class in the area maybe, and possibly some belly dancing since I have the scarf anyways or salsa because its fun and the next time I go to a salsa club I would like to actually know what I'm doing. The thing I would REALLY love to do though is a cooking class. Because I love making food but only if its delicious.

the anti-diet and political/racial musings

So, in perhaps what can only be described as "taking things too far" I have decided to attribute everything in life that I've ever failed at to my all-consuming fears. I suspect that my therapists would be proud if they could see that sentence. But, in regards to the whole diet weight loss thing I know I'm not alone in letting my fears hold me back. I suspect that the vast majority of women who go about dieting and weight loss are defeated before they even start. Why? Because the diets are so restricted and their exercise programs are so boot camp-like that they're bound to fail, unless you're one of the few who actually thrive on this kind of life style. The knowledge that I was setting myself up to fail always kept me from sticking to any form of weight loss. So, today I am starting the anti-diet. The anti-diet is not a diet of calorie counting, salad eating and diet coke drinking. I'm actually going to be eating and drinking more or less the same but trying to keep in mind that I want to lose weight. Also I'm not really fixing a goal for myself or a date, because the pressure would doom me to fail. In fact, my goal is not actually weight loss per se, I'm pretty indifferent to the number on the scale. Lets just call it healthifying. I have absolutely no intention of going to the gym every day, but I am going to look in to restarting yoga. Everything about my approach is anti-failure... I hope. I might be still striving for that vague and foggy notion of perfection, but I don't think I am. Afterall I'm probably several thousands of dollars (in plastic sugery) away from society's current notions of perfection. I think my goal here is just feeling good. And for the record, I'm meeting a friend for lunch and we're getting poutine, but thats ok because I'm babysitting a hyperactive 7 year old after work, and I intend to play like a hyperactive 7 year old.

Now, politics. I really can't be happy unless I get to air my political views occasionally. For those of you who don't read the newspaper, MacLeans magazine is being taken before the Human Rights Tribunal because of an article they published proclaiming that radical, politicized Islam is the way of the future. The group charging them is an Islamic Canadian organisation. The author of the article was a right-wing white man who evidently takes delight in fear mongering, in fact his article, which was an opinion piece, was watered down compared to what Fox news presents as unbiased fact. Anyways, that had nothing to do with anything at all, I'm just highly annoyed that a prestigious and thought provoking magazine like MacLeans would publish that piece of crap.

Self-improvement is fun!

My very sick little sister mustered up all the enthusiasm she possibly could when I explained this project to her. As someone who is quite possibly even more type A then myself, Andie is very appreciative of self-improvement schemes. Therfore in a voice only slightly less defeated then before she congratulated me on my idea and hoped I would follow through with it. So in a real fit of self improvement I went on to the self.com website and looked at their 30 day makeovers. I was also on Glamour and signed up for their program to. If I keep up with half the stuff I've signed up for Im going to do well!

How easily we slip back in to our old habits

It is so much easier to live life in mediocrity. Trust me. I've had an absolutely exhausting and stressful week so I used it as an excuse to let myself slip back in to my old ways. I did not make any effort to step outside my comfort zone, I in no way strove to be better, on the contrary I told myself that it would be enough... more then enough to make it through this week alive. Now I'm not stressed though, I have no excuse. In fact, this weekend I had two opportunities to be severely outside of my comfort zone. I went to a salsa club on Saturday, and I comforted a friend who had just lost an important family member on Sunday. I will grant you that the two things don't seem connected, the connection is very vague at best. The only thing they have in common is that I didn't feel entirely comfortable doing either. The salsa club was terrifying for one simple reason... I don't dance. Actually that's not entirely accurate, I do dance but not well. So I don't mind feigning I can dance when I'm with my girl friends, and anyone can look like they know what they're doing when its top 40 thats playing, but salsa requires actual skill, actual steps. I learned the gist of it in a few minutes, enough so that I looked like I knew what I was doing but then... guys asked me to dance and it all went down hill from there. Of course, I was either concentrating really hard or cracking up. I was trying not to roll my eyes at the stereotypical latin lover thing that the guys were working, I'm pretty sure that my clumsiness killed any "mood" they were trying to create. In spite of it all though, I had so much fun and I've resolved to continue learning how to salsa, and maybe, just maybe next time I'll actually let the guys lead.

As for my time with my other friend, some people wonder why that would be out of my comfort zone. Actually I wasn't, but think about this for a second, your friend is obviously very upset, devastated in fact, and you're the kind of person who is, from time to time, accidentally an insensitive bitch. Now would not be the moment. Also, any situation remotely like that can be difficult because everyone grieves differently. What you need when your grieving can be very different from what other people need. My friend wanted to be distracted, I on the other hand like to reminisce and try to instill myself with good memories. However, I obliged and we spent the evening talking about everything but. I managed to make her laugh a few times so I think that this is another instance of me worrying over nothing and building something up in my head... Its something I do a lot. I just wanted to close by letting my darling friend know that I am praying for her and her family. xoxoxo

(PS I'm not going to edit but in reading what I wrote above I am aware of how little sense I made, I have a headache be patient)

living mindfully

So I think that in some way, living mindfully can be a scary thing to do. Rather then being spontaneous and thoughtless if we think through our actions before we do them and if we pause and reflect before we speak, then we are far more likely to hold ourselves accountable for them later. When a person does something spontaneously, or in the heat of the moment its much easier to shrug it off. Living mindfully can encompass all things, from what we spend our time doing to what we eat, to what we say. Now obviously we're not going to be thinking about every detail all the time, mistakes are bound to be made, and thats ok. Mistakes are a part of our humanity. Living mindfully however means that we a person may go through life hurting fewer people, making decisions that they're more confident in, yet at the same time not letting irrational fears hold them back. When you think something through then chances are you'll realize just how silly all those little fears and precautions are. However, for tomorrow, I would like to try to be more mindful before I speak. Why? So many reasons. I tend to blather. I tend to be rash with my words and sometimes I hurt people without realizing the full impact of my words. Sometimes I say things, and then when someone mentions it to me later I have no recollection of ever saying those things. What was evidently forgettable to me was incredibly hurtful to someone else.

I know people that are a million times worse then me. They're hostile, callous, prickly people and I know why. They're trying to close themselves off to the world. They're building this hard spiky shell around themselves and they let only a select few in. To be honest I can hardly blame them. So many times I've mistakenly put trust in someone and lived to regret it. Whats worse is when people get to see the real you and they don't like what they see. I suspect that that's many people's worst fear.

So, what does that ramble have to do with speaking mindfully? It's quite simple: think before you speak, you offend fewer people so in a way its kind of letting my guard down. Trust me, my brash impulsiveness is kind of a protection

So today

I'm blogging about my absolute failure to do something fearless. Why? because I was quite simply, too tired to even consider being bold and exciting. I also feel pretty down because my cold/sore throat just will not go away. Things are going really well, and aside from my perpetual state of singledom and those extra few pounds that virtually every girl thinks she could do without, my life is pretty good. So really the only thing motivating this project is boredom. And also my type-a tendancies that I normally try to keep carefully supressed. Ultimately, who doesn't want to be perfect? It means something different to all of us, but I suspect most people have a hazy ideal in their heads that they are constantly striving for and inevitably die falling short of. Depressing I'll grant you, but I think its also a part of how humanity has survived this long. Tomorrow, I promise, my thoughts will be more organized, I will have a schedule and a plan to attack this whole fear thing. I will face my demons head on.... (I will be less corny with more sleep)

1# talking to strangers

So why is this scary? Good question. Most people have a certain hesitancy about approaching strangers. In fact the best way, in my mind, to pick out the most confident people around are the ones that feel absolutely comfortable talking to strangers. Not the ones who feign comfort, but the ones who are actually comfortable. The ones without those niggling little insecurities about the situation... most people are scared of what that absolute stranger is thinking about them, they think that person is judging them. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.

So I decided to talk to strangers today. Not an actual stranger per se. I was talking to my brand new homestay. Im shy, she's shy, its a bad situation in general. But there we were on the bus getting along swimmingly in spite of it. Until I lapsed in to silence. I ran out of the stuff to talk about, or I lost interest or something. It was a good start though. The problem is that I have the upperhand in homestay situations because a) I speak english and she is trying to communicate with me in english b) she stays in my house. So tomorrow, I will be talking to someone who has the upper hand, and making more of an effort.

So I was supposed to start this on my birthday

The concept is as follows: I spend one year doing something I am scared to do every single day. Sometimes it will be some small thing that is a part of something larger. Sometimes it will be very publicly committing to some project of some sort, but every day this year I have to do one thing that I'm scared of.... there will probably be some repeats.

Let me explain. I have spent my entire life, according to at least two therapists, living my life in fearl. Not in the traditional sense of the word. I have not been fearing for my life, I do not have any overwhelming neurotic fears. Actually, my fears are quite rational and they are fears that are a part of everyone.. at least I think they are. I am afraid of failure and I am afraid of rejection. Actually the two are inextricably linked. Actually, the fact that this is a project that I intend to maintain for the entire year is kind of scary in itself. As far as I know I can't fail at it, but you never know. My hope is that I will finish this year off a much stronger and more fearless person. I think that everyone is at least slightly inhibited by their fear. All this is, is a daily log of me keeping track of being slightly less inhibited.

I'm actually exhausted and my contacts are about to fall out from sheer dryness, so I probably won't write more until tomorrow. I'm definetely seeking ideas though!